Criticism

Should you feel inclined to censure faults you may in others view,

Ask your own heart, ere you venture, if you have not failings, too.

Let not friendly vows be broken; rather strive a friend to gain.

Many words in anger spoken find their passage home again.

Do not then in idle pleasure trifle with a brother's fame;

Guard it as a valued treasure, sacred as your own good name.

Do not form opinions blindly; hastiness to trouble tends;

Those of whom we thought unkindly oft become our warmest friends.

Ugh.  It's one of those times in my life again when I am the object of criticism.  I can't explain it, but it comes in waves with me.  I can go a year or two without anyone saying anything, and then, BAM! People just can't stop finding things wrong with how I act, or what I say, and unbelievably, they feel the need to tell me about it.  I'm going on six months now of various criticisms, and I'm so very tired of it all.

This past week, I have cried myself to sleep at night.  After a new email full of criticism arrived in my Inbox last week, my hands shook for hours.  I wake up in the morning, and while saying my prayer, remember the words that have been said to me, and feel sick to my stomach.

I'm not sure what prompts people to do this to me.  My intentions are always good, and I go out of my way to think about others and their needs.  The crazy thing is that I don't criticize other people.  Yes, I might express some frustration about someone to John, or to a dear friend, but I NEVER criticize a person to their face.  As I have written about before, I try and always remember that everybody has a story.  If we could just see into the hearts and histories of people, we would be far more sympathetic to their attitudes and ways of being.

As I teach my children when they too are the recipients of criticism (or bullying), we take the high road in our family.  We don't fight cruelty with more cruelty.  We don't gossip about the person, or cast dispersions on them.  We try and understand why they said what they said and change our own lives if we need to.

There's just one problem to all of this.

I can't find anything to change.  I don't mean that to sound arrogant, but looking at what people don't like about me, it appears to be more a problem with them than with me.  However, they are unable to see that.  And that is what causes me so much stress and worry.

What untruths are they telling others about me?
What if I do something similar again and hurt someone else?
What if my actions reflect poorly on my family?

I don't know when anyone would find it appropriate to criticize another person for the sole purpose of pure criticism.  I am being held accountable for things that have nothing to do with me, but it seems that there is no other option for a fall guy.  Do the people not realize that it makes me feel really, really sad?

This is one of those times where all I can do is pray.

Pray that the person will forgive me for what has upset them.
Pray for myself to remain strong.
Pray that I will be able to let go of the stress and worry so that I can continue to take care of my family.  Pray that my family won't feel any of the stress that I am feeling.
Pray that my mind will be distracted by something, or someone wonderful coming into my life.
Pray that this will all just go away.