This year, I entered the Christmas season with much trepidation. When I packed up all of my earthly belongings back in the spring, I never thought that I would be without those earthly belongings come fall, and especially come Christmas. I kept out two cardigans (which I was still wearing last spring), and I had one pair of black corduroys (we all know how much I love my corduroys in the winter) that I had needed for a concert back in May (thank goodness I also kept out a long-sleeved black shirt!). Other than that, I don't have any winter clothes, not even wool socks. Well okay, I had one pair of Smart Wool hiking socks that are purple ankle socks--not exactly what I want to wear with much of anything--but that came in handy when John and I toured the lighthouses (yes, I wore them for three solid days).
And Christmas decorations. I only have two pictures to hang on the wall (our family picture, and a picture of the temple), and nothing else. I don't have ornaments, wreaths, blankets, my German crechès, nothing.
And with no paycheck, it's not like we want to go out and buy all new stuff.
When fall was approaching, and I was freezing in my t-shirts, capris and Birkenstock sandals, I begged John to take me to the storage units to help me find my boxes of clothes. He begged me to forget about it, but I was persistent. It only took opening the door to see a wall of furniture with all boxes neatly stacked behind the wall of furniture to appreciate that I would not be able to access those boxes, and John kindly offered me $300 to spend on clothing. Not that $300 can replace all of my toasty wool sweaters, or even buy John enough long-sleeved shirts to last through the winter, but I got a couple of things off of Gap and Eddie Bauer clearance. Of course, there wasn't money to buy things like a cheery Christmas red cardigan to wear to Christmas parties, and I make mental notes of when I wear one of three sweaters in public so that I don't repeat them too many times, so it's a bit depressing.
But man, when Thanksgiving Thursday blew through, and the family was all here on the weekend that we normally decorate the house and tree, and Mark asked me what the plans were for Christmas, it hit me that we really don't have anything or anyway to really celebrate in the style we are used to. Even John came home with a poinsettia before Thanksgiving which told me that he too was feeling the pinch of being without our stuff.
However in all truthfulness, I do believe this Christmas might be one of the nicest ones for the books. For real.
I won't lie--when I finally get all of my clothes back, I'll probably burn the clothes that I have now because I have worn all of them so many times, and I'm seriously sick of all of them. Plus, I've gained so much weight that these clothes will forever remind me of how big I was. But is it sacrilege for me to write that I haven't missed putting up my Christmas decorations?
Rebecca, in her total sweetness and thoughtfulness, bought me two decorations--a Target gnome, and a metal sign to hang on the wall which references Christmas cookies. She told me that I can just look at these as temporary and throw them away when I get my real decorations back, but I do believe that those two decorations will go down in history as memories from a very sacred time for John and me.
This Christmas has brought us hope...especially when I compare it to last Christmas when we didn't know what our future held, or if we had a future at all. We were still living in La Maison, and everyone was coming home to help us move our furniture into the barn to prepare selling the house. John and I were attempting to put smiles on our faces when years were being taken off our lives from stress and worry behind closed doors. Glo was leaving on a mission, and to be honest, I was feeling the impending tragic breakup between her and Ethan. But this year, I have spent so many nights crying myself to sleep for a completely different reason.
In the grand scheme of things, we are so blessed. John isn't working...yet, and we haven't had a paycheck in four months now, and yet we can see hope on the horizon. I don't know that I've ever been so thankful or so aware of the idea of "hope".
And it is with eyes wide open that I can look back on 2019 and see how hard our lives have been, how hard we have worked to remain faithful, and how successful we have been in moving forward. I kid you not, there have been so many times when I have wanted to leave my marriage, seeing the absolute worst in John as he was taken down for everything that he is, but looking at us now, and seeing the version of John that I really like, I'm really proud of staying the course. I didn't give up, I didn't throw in the towel, and I think John would agree that I was there for him an awful lot.
I needed Glo this year. Of all years for her to be away on a mission, this was probably the worst for me. She has been the most physically present of all of my children, helping me through back surgeries, and my broken ankle, and moving to Michigan. I can still see her getting up in the mornings, knowing she has a day of work ahead of her, and just jumping in because she knows I need the help. Having to navigate this year without her was a nightmare, but what a blessing it was when it was announced that missionaries could call home weekly. I know the church changed the policy to help kids stay on missions, but I would like to think Heavenly Father inspired the leaders to change it so that I could get the emotional weekly boost from Glo. And you know what? I made it. Somehow, I did it all without her here. It wouldn't have been my choice, but Heavenly Father blesses families who have missionaries serving. I testify of that.
The temple has brought us so much peace this past year. I've told John repeatedly that it's no coincidence that when we went through the hardest trial of our lives, we were living the closest we've ever lived to a temple. The presidency recognized how much we were working at the temple and constantly thanked us, but it was a tender mercy. In the beginning, I was recording so many of the experiences on this blog, but it feels that I can't work in the temple without having yet another moving and spiritual experience. It's the same with our ward as well. I told John that Chelsea ward will probably be my favorite ward of all time, because the people there have been there for me. Yes, I had to do the initial reaching out when we first moved here, but for the first time in a long time, I love going to church.
And yet another reason my tears water my pillow at night? Ethan. I don't know how he's continued to call me daily over the past year. So many times he has listened to the ins and outs of our daily stresses and worries, and he has certainly heard my complaints about his father, but he has been a steadying influence on me. He doesn't ever offer advice, or try to make me feel a certain way about what's happening around me, nor does he ever judge me. He just calls on his lunch hour, listens to me, shares what's going on his life, and repeats the cycle the next day. I never need to catch him up on what's going on, or think that he doesn't care. And beyond that, he recognizes that certain things are important to me, and he mentions them, or participates in them because he loves me. When I gave him his name, meaning "steward", it was no joke.
And with that, I segue into another reason this Christmas has taken on new meaning. #LightTheWorld, the church's Christmas initiative, have been so wonderful. It reminds me of the talk given several years ago by M. Russell Ballard where he discussed service and bees. Our one drop of service, or honey, may seem insignificant, but when combined with the single drops of honey of others, we create something wonderful. I have been so touched to see how Glo and Ethan have been working towards fulfilling the little prompts, and despite John and I basically living a life of service at the moment, it's also spurred us on to try and do a little more. John especially has been a hero of service to my mom.
And once again, I'm so thankful to have a missionary serving at Christmas, because it allowed me to make another Advent Book, and as much as I say it each and every time, I think this one might be the best. I have felt so fulfilled as I have read the stories each day, bringing some of the people who have been such a support to us this past year into our homes and into our lives just a little bit more.
So while I will probably cry into my pile of Smart Wool socks next Christmas, I will also pull out the gnome, and the Christmas cookie sign, and be reminded of a very different, a very special Christmas, and I will remember the feelings of hope and love, and hopefully I will be in a place to look at what I survived, to see how far I've come, and pat myself on the back for staying strong, and for keeping hope on the front dashboard of the journey of life.
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