This past month, I had the chance to get up and perform again! My friend, Jennifer Olsen, has a piano student whose father happens to be the choral director at a local junior high (not my former school, Forsythe Junior High, but the rival junior high, Slauson). He was looking for an accompanist for the seventh and eighth grade holiday concert, and he contacted me. With only five days before the concert, I was a bit nervous about the music, but c'mon, it's junior high choir.
For several years now, my confidence in being able to play in public has waned. Basically my confidence in just being a human being has been flushed down the toilet, so it made sense that my musical abilities would come into question in my mind too. But with the new, empowering experiences that this past year has given me (and especially moving to a new place), I wanted to start believing in myself again.
One thing that has always held me back is my belief that I need a diploma hanging on the wall to validate that I'm any good. If I don't have a degree, I must not be good enough to play. My patriarchal blessing spends a large portion of its two pages discussing the skills that I will develop in college being a blessing to me throughout my life. I have always felt that there was some other skill that I should have developed in college (and that I WOULD have developed had I just graduated). However, I feel like it's time to accept the fact that music is it, degree or no. After all, when I look back on my life, some of the greatest blessings and happiness (*cough* my kids) have come through music.
And after talking to Jennifer (a woman who DOES have a degree in piano performance), she told me that the diploma doesn't matter; all that matters is if I can actually play the music.
So I accepted the challenge to play for the concert. I actually practiced quite a bit over the weekend, just making sure I didn't end up with one of those "musical mishaps". And when I showed up for rehearsals the following Monday, it made me happy to see the conductor's surprise when I could do basically anything he asked me to do.
Tuesday night was the performance. Just a little rinky-dink performance in a junior high auditorium, but for how I felt, it could have been Carnegie Hall. It's hard after years of musical hibernation to come out and feel the performing sun shining on my face again....along with several hundred faces watching me! But I tossed aside all the doubts and nagging, destructive thoughts running through my head and decided to just focus on the moment. I've prepared my whole life for moments like this.
And what a difference a little bit of self-belief can make! Yes, I made a couple of mistakes here and there (John insists he heard nothing, and I believe him), but it was so good to get back up on that musical horse again. I've been told during some pivotal moments in my life that I'm just not good enough; that I'll never become anything, or ever make a difference, or that I'm a really bad person. It was good to write a really great, positive experience into the Book of Larisa again.
For several years now, my confidence in being able to play in public has waned. Basically my confidence in just being a human being has been flushed down the toilet, so it made sense that my musical abilities would come into question in my mind too. But with the new, empowering experiences that this past year has given me (and especially moving to a new place), I wanted to start believing in myself again.
One thing that has always held me back is my belief that I need a diploma hanging on the wall to validate that I'm any good. If I don't have a degree, I must not be good enough to play. My patriarchal blessing spends a large portion of its two pages discussing the skills that I will develop in college being a blessing to me throughout my life. I have always felt that there was some other skill that I should have developed in college (and that I WOULD have developed had I just graduated). However, I feel like it's time to accept the fact that music is it, degree or no. After all, when I look back on my life, some of the greatest blessings and happiness (*cough* my kids) have come through music.
And after talking to Jennifer (a woman who DOES have a degree in piano performance), she told me that the diploma doesn't matter; all that matters is if I can actually play the music.
So I accepted the challenge to play for the concert. I actually practiced quite a bit over the weekend, just making sure I didn't end up with one of those "musical mishaps". And when I showed up for rehearsals the following Monday, it made me happy to see the conductor's surprise when I could do basically anything he asked me to do.
Tuesday night was the performance. Just a little rinky-dink performance in a junior high auditorium, but for how I felt, it could have been Carnegie Hall. It's hard after years of musical hibernation to come out and feel the performing sun shining on my face again....along with several hundred faces watching me! But I tossed aside all the doubts and nagging, destructive thoughts running through my head and decided to just focus on the moment. I've prepared my whole life for moments like this.
And what a difference a little bit of self-belief can make! Yes, I made a couple of mistakes here and there (John insists he heard nothing, and I believe him), but it was so good to get back up on that musical horse again. I've been told during some pivotal moments in my life that I'm just not good enough; that I'll never become anything, or ever make a difference, or that I'm a really bad person. It was good to write a really great, positive experience into the Book of Larisa again.
Who needs a piece of paper? You're crazy talented and I'm happy to hear you're getting the chance to share those talents!
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