Redefining Charity

I like attending church on Sunday for many different reasons, but I dislike the meetings for one very large reason:  discussions regarding charity.

In case you don't remember your Sunday School lessons, charity is defined as the pure love of Christ.  If you were to actually look up the word in a dictionary, it would say, "See John Kennedy".

That's right.  My wonderful husband is the perfect embodiment of charity.

His life basically moves from one charitable act to another.

Take any given Saturday.  He can found building some large structure on our property because I think we need it.  He can be found, rebuilding a pond for an old Indian woman who lives alone and needs some help.  On his way to a church picnic, he will stop to help an old woman reseal her driveway, missing one of his favorite meals in the world:  a POTLUCK!

Other days?  He stops to help any person on the side of the road with car troubles. He'll drive 2.5 hours to a person who needs a temple recommend by the next day.  He brings me flowers, and when other people see them, they ask if it's our anniversary.  No, he just brings me flowers on a weekly basis.  He offers to take me out to eat when I'm tired and don't want to cook.  He sings to Squeakie every night, even though Glo is now 13 years old.  He works like a dog to pay for our boys' college tuitions, asking for nothing in return.

And on Sundays?  His entire day is spent serving other people.  He does such wonderful acts of service that people bear their testimonies about him at the podium.  It's all under the guise of being in the stake presidency, but I know that he would do the same things, stake presidency or not.

He has successfully encouraged people through the years to quit smoking, to lose weight, or to start running.  He does it because he cares about them.

Too, he forgives everyone for everything.  I can't tell you the number of times my husband's character has been slammed because he can be a bit "rough around the edges".  People (like me, I must admit) who are uptight, high-strung, or perfectionists can be driven to pull their hair out because of some of John's funny character flaws (he's chronically late, for example).  However, he lets it go.  He knows he's not perfect, and he doesn't hold it against anyone when they point it out to him.

Too, my closest friends are the most amazing examples of charity.  I don't know what I would have done when I broke my ankle without friends.  Friends who send Haribo for no reason except to let our family know they are loved.  Friends who listen to me when I'm feeling like a total loser.  Friends who write notes, telling me that something I did meant something to them.  Family members and friends who send letters to my missionary sons (I hope blessings are POURING down on your heads for that).  What great examples.

Back to Sunday church meetings.  I have had callings in the church that have kept me busy through all three hours of church, and I have (thankfully) been able to avoid attending Relief Society, the women's group in our church.  I don't fit in with most women anyway, but when the subject of charity comes up, I feel like the charity pariah of the century.

In our congregation, it usually comes down to what I call the two "B"s:   brownies and babysitting.  Some woman heard that another woman was struggling so she brought her a pan of brownies.  Another woman was sick with a cold, so some charitable woman babysat her kids for the day while she rested.  I have heard these same stories ad nauseum and I get so tired of them.  Why?

Because I'm not a 2B kind of woman.  I've had plates of brownies left on my doorstep, and trust me, they did little except add more inches to my hips.  What I would have preferred is some good old conversation.  I don't enjoy babysitting.

Things that I do in the community (or in the church) aren't itemized.  Creating video presentations for a stake youth activity.  Dee-jaying dances.  Playing the piano for just about every musical number ever created.  Playing (gratis) for the high school choirs whenever the choir director needs me.  Writing a letter a day to my missionary son for the entire two years of his mission.

Ugh.

This past Sunday was our ward conference, and guess what the theme was?  Yep, charity.

I wanted to die....or at least check out the nearby Methodist church for an hour, or so.

A fellow member of the stake presidency gave the Sunday School lesson, and he started by handing out a piece of paper with statements on it.  We were to rate our responses on a scale of one to five, with one being never, and five being always (and the others in between).  Here are the statements (with the responses I gave in my head):

I feel a sincere desire for the eternal welfare and happiness of other people.
3--I'm not sure I think much about anyone else in this room during an entire week.  However, I think daily about the kids in my Sunday School class.

When I pray, I ask for charity, the pure love of Christ.
1--Never.  

I try to understand others feelings and see their point of view.
4--I'm a very good listener.

I forgive others who have offended or wronged me.
1--Never.  It's a running joke in our family--don't get on my bad side, because you'll never get back on the good one.

I try to help others when they are struggling or discouraged.
1--I never even know when anybody is struggling because I don't talk to anyone on a regular basis.  Too, people have told me I'm too intimidating.  They will tell others about their problems, but they feel they need to be perfect around me.

When appropriate, I tell others that I love them and care about them.
3--When I'm around friends, I do this frequently (ie the Morans).  Do I randomly call up people and tell them this?  No.

I look for opportunities to serve other people.
1--Absolutely not, although when asked, I usually say yes.

I say positive things about others.
2--Only about the people I love.

I am kind and patient with others even when they are hard to get along with.
1--I just decide to not make them a part of my life.

I find joy in others' achievements.
2--If they are in their own realm of achievement, and it doesn't deny my family glory, good for them!  If it means my family suffered, no way, Jose.

Pretty evil, huh?  I know, I know.  So, let's add up that score.  19 total out of a possible 50.  If I remember correctly back to school, that is a definite failing grade.

So, I tried to let it go.  Afterall, my self-esteem is generally tanking on a daily basis anyway, and I didn't need to add fuel to the fire.

However, when John finally came home around 7 p.m. (from performing his litany of charitable activities), I couldn't help bringing it up.  John's my best friend, and I would venture to say that he understands me better than anyone.  I felt a complete sense of loss, knowing that I would not be accompanying him into heaven with a score of 19.  I know it sounds comical, but without charity, a (wo)man is nothing.

John listened very patiently to me, and didn't just brush me off by saying that I'm a good person.  Instead, he said that I needed to redefine my idea of charity. "How do I do that?" I asked him.

"What do you spend most of your time doing?" he asked.

I would love to itemize all of the things that John mentioned (and that I thought of), but that would just be bragging.

However, it all came down to my family.  Every moment of every day is spent in the service of my family.  Other people who say they struggle with their teenagers and can't wait for them to move out of the house?  Not me.  I can't talk to them enough, or hear enough about their thoughts.  Packed lunches?  No pb&j's here.  Hot lasagna in a thermos with a slice of pumpkin pie.  Driving to college visits with a broken ankle, in the snow?  Doesn't every mother do that?  Practicing for countless hours with the kids at 8 o'clock at night (because they put it off until then) when I really just want to watch "Dancing with the Stars" with John.  Mowing the 11 acres so that John doesn't have to do that too.

Now let me run through those questions again, but with my family in mind (and if you are a stay-at-home mom, I hope you will do this too):

I feel a sincere desire for the eternal welfare and happiness of other people (my husband and kids).

5--It's all I think about everyday.

When I pray, I ask for charity, the pure love of Christ.

5--I want to love my family like Christ would.

I try to understand others feelings and see their point of view.

4--I'm great with the kids, but not always perfect with John.

I forgive others (my family) who have offended or wronged me.

5--Always.  This is one of the most important things we can do as family members--forgive easily.

I try to help others (my family) when they are struggling or discouraged.

5--It's all I do, everyday.

When appropriate, I tell others that I love them and care about them.

5--People have said we are the closest set of family members they have ever seen.  Even when the kids leave sacrament meeting for Sunday School, they come up and give me a goodbye kiss at the organ.  I can't count the number of times we say we love each other in a day.

I look for opportunities to serve other people.

5--There aren't enough ways to serve my family.

I say positive things about others.

4--The kids and I like to laugh at John :-)

I am kind and patient with others (my family) even when they are hard to get along with.

5--Just ask any of the kids about the 12-14-year-old snarky year gap.  I've handled it pretty darn well.

I find joy in others' achievements (my family).

5--I would give this a 6 if I could.

My score now?  48 out of a possible 50.

Again, I'm not saying this to brag.  I'm writing this to offer hope to all those women who feel the same amount of guilt I do.  While I would be doing the standard things if they were needed, at this time in our lives, my charity extends to our family.  In fact, every waking moment is spent thinking about those I love.

We women struggle with feeling good about ourselves (John calls us "tortured").  I think sometimes we get too caught up in the minutia of what we are trying to do right, and lose sight of the big picture.  Our lives may not fit in the "brownie and babysitting" mold, but that doesn't mean that what we are doing is wrong.  It's just right in a completely different way.  Kind of like when you look up a definition of a word and there can be multiple meanings, and even multiple uses (verbs AND nouns).  My way of serving may be the fifth or sixth definition of charity, but it's still a definition!

I have repeatedly heard that by serving others, we help ourselves.  While I agree with that to a point, I think it's even more than that.  By serving my family, and showing them the pure love of Christ, the blessings have been returned to me tenfold.  It almost feels selfish to serve them, because I know at the end of the day, I'm the one who is going to walk out the biggest winner.

I like my definition of charity.  I hope you like yours too.