There have been moments in my life when I see a whole bunch of what-appear-to-be separate experiences come together into one mammoth experience, and when it happens, I sit back amazed, reminded again that "He's got the whole world in His hands." Kind of like an old vinyl LP. A whole bunch of different songs all making up the record. Let me see if I can sew them all together in this post.
1. A little over a year ago, Hannah was called as a Relief Society president in her BYU ward. It was weeks before COVID shut down everything. She had a million ideas, and she wasn't able to put any into place. She was planning on moving to a different apartment in August, but her bishop assured her that he would keep her until she graduated in December. Unfortunately (and I really mean that), her bishop was released in August...and so was she, without a single thank you from the new bishop.
I can't speak for her, but I know she felt like she never really even got a start in that calling, but instead was constantly lacing up her shoes, ready to go...with no race in sight. Too, she felt constantly guilty, never feeling like she was doing enough, because quite honestly, there wasn't much she could do.
2. I hate seeing anyone who is Hannah's age, or quite frankly, now Glo's age, getting married. It's like a knife to my mother heart, knowing that marriage isn't even on the horizon for either of my girls and might never be. I see the goofiest of girls who have no goals in life having the opportunity to choose and be super picky and selective about who they want to marry when my girls can't even get a first date. It is THE most painful thing in my life and has been for years.
3. I've had almost no faith in my life lately. I've been praying for things for years that haven't come to pass (including my girls getting married topping the list). I give credit to Heavenly Father, though, for giving me other things that I have prayed for. They just haven't been on the top of the list. John getting through his firing, hearing and finding another (and better) job is one, and us getting out of debt once and for all is another. But the nitty gritty personal things I pray for have eluded me. My health. My girls. My confidence.
Yes, confidence. As I see Ethan and Rebecca struggling to make ends meet, and as I see Mark not having the children he's always wanted, and as my girls aren't getting married (and Hannah didn't make it into the first round of PA school), I doubt my past 30 years as a mother. Did I steer them all the wrong way as children? Did I let them make too many decisions that would make them "happy" versus what would be rational? Did I not give them the emotional tools they need to market themselves to others?
I actually found a therapist almost three months ago, and weekly sessions with her have been a godsend. And I mean that. Answers to so many questions and problems weren't coming to me on my own, but many have come through Teresa. When she asked me what I wanted from therapy, I told her that I wanted to see myself as what I know I am. On paper, I look pretty good, but in my own head, I'm a piece of garbage. And the one solace I've taken in my life is that I've been a decent mother, but even that has been in question lately. But Teresa has helped me reframe how I look at myself and my life.
4. Walking with Natalie. I was given the ministering assignment of Natalie Hill when I first moved into the ward last year. I reached out to her, but with COVID, I couldn't see many ways we could get together. But I asked her if she would like to go walking at the mall with me during the cold winter months. Well, that walking has turned into three times a week, Monday/Wednesday/Friday. And Natalie is so much of what I want to be. She's solid. She's grounded. She's beautiful. She's kind. And she listens to me and gives me really great advice. I don't tell her much of what I'm feeling because her outlook is always "it'll always work out", and that doesn't feel like much of an answer to me, but we have good gospel discussions, and I can often take what we say and really apply it to my troubles.
5. It's been hard on John and me to not have callings in the ward, especially with the formation of a new stake, and a new high council. I mean, I play organ on some Sundays, but it's only an assignment. But when the YW presidency can't find anyone to go to girls' camp for all three days, you better believe they call me. Because, you know, at age 51, with my health problems, I just love the idea of camping for three days in the Michigan heat. But I miss the opportunity to serve. Yes, I'm a pretty terrific ministering sister, and the women to whom I minister have become the dearest of friends, but there's something about stretching and growing in a calling. I haven't been president of an organization for almost 20 years now, and twice I've been a counselor but only for a short time. I would love to have the chance to learn from an amazing president, but it's not for me, I guess.
6. I wrote this in the previous post, but I've been praying for my faith to be strengthened. I always thought faith was a no-brainer for me (yes, I would move my family across the plains), but Heavenly Father has been testing it in ways I never saw in the test-prep outline. Every day, I kneel and ask God to strengthen my faith. Obviously, he's not going to give me EXACTLY what I want (you know, like a tantrum-throwing toddler), so give me the strength to believe in the life I'm living. Let me believe that it's exactly where God wants me.
Wow. That's a lot. That's a lot of crap that's been going through my mind for well over a year. But I do have to say, I'm healing...and I'm cutting myself a break. Probably the best thing that has come out of therapy is that I am validated in my suffering. The majority of my life is spent putting on a good face and gritting it out through tough times. It's about appearing perfect when I'm still trying to recover from what was a horrific childhood. Teresa is teaching me that I need to realize that people like me for the real me, not for the me that I think I need to put forward, and if they don't, they aren't real friends. So I've made a lot of progress, looking at people differently, determining if they DO accept me for who I am, and if they don't, that's okay. I don't need to change myself to be loved by them.
So, the big moment.
Last week, Hannah was sitting on the couch, taking her 20 minute dinner break to watch Wheel of Fortune. It's literally the only time of the day that she has to "relax". She leaves for work in the 6:00s, and she comes home in the 6:00s. She's taking a GRE prep course which is three hours on Tuesday and Thursday night, and she's taking a pathophysiology course which requires about 150 pages of reading per week. Exercise has gone by the wayside as has anything else in her life. It's a situation that pains me to see, but I'm coming to terms that she just might have a career for the rest of her life.
Anyway, she was sitting on the couch, and I hear, "Oh NO!" She was scrolling through FB, and she saw that the Relief Society President in her YSA ward in Ann Arbor is moving. She was fairly certain what was coming, and it was confirmed two days later when she was contacted for an appointment with the bishop. I'll never forget seeing her on the floor, looking through the bannister, like a prisoner, when she told me she got the request for an appointment. She just knew what was coming, and she didn't want it.
And sure enough, she was called as the Relief Society president for the Ann Arbor YSA ward. It's a super big deal, because the ward itself is a big deal in the world of YSA wards. That interview went from 7:00-7:45. She came down and gave us the news. She was covered in hives, and her eyes were swollen. She literally doesn't have a free hour in her day to do anything else, and she didn't know how she was going to do this calling. And I feel terrible that I didn't have much to tell her except that the Lord would help her. She also expressed that she realized maybe she was being given the chance for a "do-over". She didn't really have the chance to serve in Provo, so maybe she can do it now. She then told us that the bishop had made suggestions for counselors: keep one from the previous presidency, pick another from the three other women they considered for president, and keep the secretary. But Hannah didn't feel right about any of them. So with Glo and me at the table, we started talking through some names (Glo and I both know many of them, either from attending the ward (Glo), or from having them as my YW in Chelsea), and it was miraculous to see how she had it all figured out within half an hour. Then, at 8:30, she got on the phone with the bishop and the outgoing RS president to talk about all of the sisters for an hour and a half. She took two pages of typed notes. At the end of that call, the bishop asked her if she had thought about counselors, and to his credit, he listened to her and completely supported her decisions. I mean, how many men have I worked with in the church who don't listen to women? Man, that alone is a tender mercy that she might not appreciate for many years to come.
Through all of this, when we were expecting the call to come through, John and I were talking, and he said something profound. I wish I had perfect memory because the way he said it was perfect, but here's the gist: Aris, what type of girl did you raise? A flirty, flaky girl who has lots of guys, gets married early, but no goals in life, or did you raise a Relief Society president?
That's right. I might not have raised a girl who appeals to any boys, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have a place in life. God has a plan for her, and right now, that plan is pretty awesome by most's standards. It's not my plan, but it's hers and it's her Heavenly Father's. If she was on the wrong path, she wouldn't be called to this calling, but her being single is allowing her to have this incredible, exhausting, spiritual opportunity...in addition to everything else she is doing. Maybe someday she'll also be all of these things and married, but if not, it's okay.
The next day, my cadre of friends came through. I sent out the Bat signal at 11:30 that night to Natalie, and even though it was Thursday, we met at 8 a.m. the next morning so I could share my worries for poor Hannie with her. And Natalie had the most beautiful thing to say after marveling at the amazing experiences and thoughts Hannie was already having for the women in the ward: maybe God will make it so that she can learn the things she needs to for her classes in less time so that she will have the time to serve that she needs. Isn't that just perfect?
I also talked to Amber that day, and Rebecca, and Ethan. It's crazy but I (emphasis on the I) had thoughts of what Hannah needed to do to get her presidency going...but I know that Hannah doesn't want or like advice from me. But in that moment, I realized something Hannah had told me weeks before. Oftentimes, we get callings because we have something to learn. Hannah had suggested that I don't get any callings because I've already got my s**t together (my term, not hers), and in the thought of how I could help Hannah with her calling, a million things came to mind of what she could do. I won't suggest any of these unless she asks, but I know how to be a president. Yes, it would be so nice to be like my non-existent ministering sister who goes from one stake calling to Gospel Doctrine teacher to another stake calling--I mean, how loved she must feel by man and God, constantly being trusted to do really great things--but maybe I don't need to. Maybe I have the skills already. And honestly, who needs that stress? I guess, it's just with no extended family (aka my mother) to love me or appreciate things about me, it's sometimes nice to feel like leaders in my ward do.
So there it is. With Hannah's calling, so many things make so much more sense--she's amazing, I was a decent mother--and with those things, I am reminded that God is in the details. And I can believe in him. Because I have faith. All of these moments that seemed unrelated, coming together to make some beautiful music.
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