Let Go, Let God

Remember that Ph.D. in faith that I felt I had earned several years ago?  Turns out, it was only a Master's....

Life is so heavy.  I get tired of fighting that battle, telling myself that life is beautiful and easy if only I make the right choices, but finding that that isn't the case.  I go down the rabbit hole of wondering what I'm doing wrong, questioning if I should be doing something different, and finding little hope for the future.  It's funny--as soon as I pull myself OUT of that rabbit hole, I tell myself that I won't go there again...but it always happens.

Having a chronic disease is exhausting.  I can't say it's "the worst" because I imagine cancer being much worse.  But everyday is a roll of the dice.  Will I be feeling better, or worse?  When I treat one symptom of the disease, a side effect of that drug pops up.  So which is worse? The original symptom, or the side effect?  I know I am in very good company when I ask God, "When will it stop?"  People asking this same question abound in the scriptures, but it still feels very personal.  If I had lived 2,000 years ago, Jesus could've laid his hands on my head and healed me instantly.  That's the kind of answer I want now.

For the past two months, I've been unable to walk.  One day, I was on mile four of my daily 5-7 mile walk, and a debilitating pain shot into my foot.  Having struggled with plantar fasciitis for years, I knew what it was, but I hadn't felt that much pain in probably ten years.  I hobbled home (thankfully I wasn't too far) and rested for the evening.  When I popped out of bed in the morning to let the dog out, I was stunned to discover that I couldn't take a step.  Knowing that walking is a salve to my mind and soul, I went through the arduous process of getting physical therapy set up, and for the past eight weeks, I've gone 2-3 times a week with little improvement.

When I went to my six month appointment with Dr. Dass, my allergist/immunologist, I just happened to mention my plantar fasciitis, and without blinking, she told me that it is a side effect of the biologic, Nucala, which I am currently taking to control my AERD symptoms.  I felt a measure of relief when she told me that by finagling my dosage, we could reset my body and the muscle issues would disappear.  

Deep breath.  It was all going to be okay.

But it never is.  When we were in California last month, we were up in Yosemite, and I got really dizzy.  This isn't something I've ever felt, so I knew something was going on.  However, I just ignored it. However, the moments of dizziness began increasing, and I was suffering with daily headaches.  

So here I am.  Unable to go walking (and consequently unable to go walking and talking with Natalie), and sitting at home dizzy and with severe headaches and pressure behind my eyes, just sitting on the couch getting fat and depressed.

Again, where is God?

So I made an appointment with Hannah's ENT, Dr. Weingarten.  He did a hearing test on me (it was perfect), and told me that I probably had a virus.  He gave me a huge dose of steroids and antibiotics.

This past weekend, I had to say some major prayers to get through playing the organ and accompanying a musical number at church.  I just didn't want to fall over.  John told me that I HAD to go to another doctor.  I called up Dr. Dass, despite hating to call her office because her arabic-speaking secretary is so difficult to leave a message with.

Dr. Dass read on the message that I was having dizziness and headaches, called me up, and told me it is a side effect of the Nucala.

Do you know how many times I sat in my bathroom over the past two months, unable to get myself ready, thinking that I had a brain tumor? For real, I was brought to tears several times, thinking about not seeing my girls married, and thinking about being separated from John.

She told me to push electrolytes for the next four days, and it all should be gone.

And that's just one facet of wondering if God is here for me.  I suffer, and where is he? But then I think about Dr. Dass, and gratitude for her fills my prayers at night, so while God won't take away my suffering, he does provide an answer to relieve it.

But anyway.  Back to faith.  To put it bluntly, I had lost most faith over the past six months...and I don't know that it's back much now...so I knew I had to do something.  I mean I'M NOT A FAITHLESS PERSON.  In Come, Follow Me, we've spoken occasionally about spiritual gifts, and how if we want one, we can pray and ask for it.  So I decided to pray for faith.  

Every day, I pray that God will strengthen my faith.  My faith at the moment isn't strong enough to move mountains, or to sometimes even get me through the day, but I have a seed of it.  But God can strengthen it.  He can help me grow it.

At the moment, our family has been watching a reality TV show called "Tough As Nails".  There is a favorite contestant on it, Linda, who when faced with a challenge repeats the mantra, "Let go, Let God."  At first, I thought it was kind of strange sounding, but I've thought a lot about it over the past few months, and my girls can be found repeating it as well.

There's a lot more that I'm not writing about here, but in all aspects of my life, I need to do a lot more of letting go, and letting God take the reins.  And I decided to go old school, and try it out in simple things.

The first time I exercised my tiny bit of faith was when John, Glo and I went to First Watch for breakfast.

 John only had 30 minutes to eat before he needed to leave for work, and we were on a wait.  I said a silent prayer that Heavenly Father would understand how much John had wanted to go out for breakfast and would make a table available.  Not 30 seconds later, our name was called and we were seated.

Second time.  I hadn't seen my debit card in a week, but I hadn't realized that I hadn't had it for a week.  When I realized this, I went to look for it in the center console of the car where I always keep it.  I pulled everything out of that console three different times and no card.  I then said a prayer, telling Heavenly Father how important it was for me to find it.  I went to pull everything out again, and it fell out of my hands.  Out of thin air.

I haven't prayed about things like this for years.  I mean, these are prayers that little kids offer, but my faith is back on that level.  I need to see that God is in the details of my life in some way, because in the big, important ways, he doesn't appear to be there at all.  It's getting back to the basics and letting him mold me into what he wants me to be.

Let go.  Let God.