Christmas, 2020. I'm not sure I can even write about it. The December Ensign came in the mail yesterday (yes, almost two months late), and just seeing the articles about Christmas, I had to close it. The feelings are PTSD like, and it might be too soon to relive the moments, but I know the longer I wait to post, the more I forget, so let's see what I can do.
I had such hopes for Christmas. I told the family that they were to be on their BEST behavior. No animals dying (I was seriously checking the animals weekly to make sure no health problems were looming), no job loss (I told John to cut any woman that seemed even 1% risky), and no boyfriends.
No boyfriends.
Two years ago, we had Ethan Sulik for Christmas before Glo left on her mission. While it was super fun to have him around, knowing a mission-necessary break-up was on the horizon was really difficult. At least for me.
So when Hannah asked if Zach could come for Christmas, I initially told her "no". I wasn't going to invite anything or anyone that would stymie my perfect Christmas which was four years in the making. We were finally going to have a peaceful, beautiful, magical, Kennedy Christmas. However, Johannah brought up the fact that both Glo and Mark had had significant others singing carols around the piano, so why couldn't she have Zach?
I tell you now that I should've stuck to my guns because neither Niki nor Ethan Sulik is part of our family anymore, and those Christmas memories are marred because of their presence.
It's a long and horrific break-up story. Hannah and Zach had every intention of getting married, even talking about what they would name their kids. But unbeknownst to anyone but Hannah, she would go home after dates with him and sit on the floor of the dorm shower, crying. He couldn't stop telling her what was wrong with her and what she needed to change, and despite trying, she was never perfect enough for him.
I told her to break up with him back in August when he told her he wasn't sure he was supposed to marry her because she watches Friends. And September when he got mad at her because she was an hour late for a date because she was out with a friend, comforting her because she couldn't get pregnant. And October when he asked her if the wedding dress she had bought was modest. And November when he wasn't even telling her where he was applying to graduate school so that she could apply there as well. And December when he insisted that she come stay the month with him and his family in order to show him she loved him. There were so many red flags.
But in the end, Hannah loved him. She loved him so much. She gave him everything, even not coming home at times because it was important to him that she stay with him. And during the day, when they weren't talking about important things, he was a darling boyfriend. He made sure she always had fresh flowers. He left her notes on her car. He brought her breakfast at work. She wanted it to happen so badly as did I.
He had become part of my family. He was with us in Utah. We flew him home in the summer. We talked to him over FaceTime, and he joined us each week for Come, Follow Me. It's funny, because the boys didn't like him at all, but the rest of us did. I guess we should have known.
Hannah gave him a deadline back in October. If they weren't getting married by the end of Christmas break, she was moving back to Michigan (my idea). And then she told him that he needed to decide if he wanted to marry her at all by the end of December. I had wanted these deadlines to happen back in August so that she would have time to find someone else, but as she says, she wanted to give it everything so that she could look back on the relationship with no regrets.
Two weeks before Christmas, Hannah drove out to see him to break up with him--she didn't want our Christmas ruined with a breakup--but he convinced her to not break up. And with that, she committed to give him as much time as he needed. No pressure anymore--she loved him, and she would wait. She went to see him the following weekend as well. And the weekend before Christmas, he came to stay with us. It was a beautiful weekend, full of fun, but there was something going on with Hannah and Zach. They were happy during the day, but after hours, the conversations were heavy and not very promising. So on December 22, Zach called Hannah at midnight (like he always did--after he was done studying) and told her he was driving over in the morning. Sweet Hannah was so excited because she thought he was coming earlier for Christmas, but he told her "we need to talk". She knew then. It was over. HE was breaking up with HER. In other words, he was being the control freak he'd been the entire eight months.
He wanted to go out to lunch, but she just went out on the front porch in the cold, they said goodbye, and that was it.
Except it wasn't.
I know it's really about Hannah, but this isn't her blog, or the record of her life. It's mine. It ruined my Christmas. In fact, my life hasn't been the same since.
I think I've already written this, but when our lives were falling apart, I told Heavenly Father that I would give up John's job and our own security if Hannah could just find someone who would love her. She's getting older (she's 24 now), and she was leaving Utah. I never imagined my girl wouldn't be married by this time. This one thing--Johannah not finding anyone and not getting married--is the single most stressful thing in my life. I worry about it from sun up to sun down. To have it in my face two days before Christmas was just too much.
I cried myself to sleep for over a week. And three weeks later, I'm still reeling from it. I had a bunch of other things happening over Christmas--a double sinus infection, Mark and Allison contracting COVID, and my insecurities of being a parent of adult children roaring in my mind--but I could've handled it all if the breakup just hadn't happened.
And the worst part about it all for me is that I didn't have the chance to mourn or stress or just fall apart. I had to be there for Johannah, holding her through the tears, and telling her that it was all for the best (when I didn't believe it). And I had to host Christmas. The ornament exchange the next day. Christmas eve magic, and dinner. Christmas day festivities. I had to be the strong one.
24 hours after it had happened, I was downstairs in the basement alone, wrapping presents and feeling completely hopeless. I just wanted to out-loud sob, but I was trying to keep it together so I could go back upstairs again. I couldn't do anything but pray, and with ribbon in hand, I bowed my head and told my Heavenly Father that I couldn't believe she would find anyone else because I just didn't have any more hope. When I think of other times I have felt this, the one that comes to mind is praying yet again that our house would sell. It never did (without breaking us financially) so I know that prayers aren't always answered.
Losing hope is the worst feeling I have ever experienced. It's happened a few times in my life, and it paralyzes me. There's no reason to pray, or to try, and I'm just left feeling completely abandoned by everyone, but especially by God. I wish I knew someone else who could sympathize with me, because I would like to know what the solution is.
In the moment, I didn't have the luxury of exploring how I was feeling, nor did I have the ability, but I said, out loud to Heavenly Father, that I had lost all hope. That I didn't even know what to pray for anymore, because I didn't hold a belief that it would happen.
And in that moment, I heard a voice. It has only happened to me two other times in my life, but it was as if Heavenly Father was standing right next to me talking to me. In Johannah's patriarchal blessing, it states that her mind and her heart must be in agreement when choosing a husband, and when they are, she will be assured of an eternal marriage. The voice said to me, "She had to go through this experience so that she will know when her mind and her heart ARE in agreement."
It was a sacred experience to say the least, and instantly I believed again that all would be well. It hasn't made my experience of mourning any easier, and I still question exactly how things are going to work out, but I can again believe that the Lord has a plan for Hannah, and I need to trust Him.
Today I was working in the temple, and between being sick and just being completely run down, I was barely hanging on to what I needed to do on my shift, but a sister whom I know from working Saturdays together and who is more of an acquaintance, stopped me and asked me about my Christmas. I swear, she was guided by the Spirit to ask me that, because up to that point, I haven't really been able to talk to anyone about my fears and worries (John is a great support, but he just tells me it's all for the best and it's going to be fine). I took a deep breath and just told her that my daughter's boyfriend broke up with her two days before Christmas, and do you know, she knew just what to say? She listened to me trying to be brave and a bit flippant and funny about it all, but she looked me straight in the eye and said, "But it still pulls at a mother's heart strings, especially when there aren't any men to date out here." Yes, thank you. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for allowing me to worry and feel bad in front of you. The conversation wasn't more than a minute or two, but it was what I needed. I needed to know that I'm not crazy for how I worry and how I feel.
I hope that someday I will read this again and be able to see the Lord's hand in why this all happened. That's what happened with our move from PA to here, and with John's job loss, but those experiences came at a high price. I hope that Hannah doesn't have to pay the equivalent price of years of misery and pleading, but the Lord will allow her to find some happiness sooner. She deserves it.
But in the meantime, I don't want to think about Christmas. I seriously can't do this again next year. I asked the girls if they'd like to just go to Grand Cayman for Christmas, 2021, and they weren't opposed to it. But if we go, I tell you--NO BOYFRIENDS.
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