Suicide, or the Lack of Hope

I know that my children (at least the ones who read this blog) are probably freaking out, reading the title of this post.  No worries--this isn't my final note, or anything.

I don't know much about suicide.  It's always felt rather silly to me, because in my mind, people should just get help.  Like, walk into any hospital ER, tell them you want to kill yourself, and they will do something about it.  And there are suicide hotlines.  Call them.

But with our lives once again falling apart, I've gained a bit of an understanding into the thoughts behind some of it.  Unfortunately, a lot of my suicidal thoughts relate to the gospel which I don't believe is the case for many people.

Being tired of living.  Sometimes, it feels like there is just too much being laid on my shoulders, especially when I'm trying my best to live a righteous life.  I look at the struggles I've had in the past with people, and I look at the struggles John has with staying happy and keeping our finances, and I'm just tired of fighting to do better.  We are obviously failures in living.  We haven't passed the test.
And looking ahead, I can predict that we won't do any better, so what's the purpose of continuing on? I'm tired of trying to do better, and I don't want to try anymore.

Feeling alone in the struggle.  We have all kinds of resources at our disposal from God.  Prayer, scriptures, and patriarchal blessings are the first things that come to mind.  However, I find no solace for my life in any of them.  Yes, when I read my scriptures I feel the Spirit, but it doesn't help me with my anxiety for the future.  Yes, I continue to go through the motions of prayer, and I can bear testimony of it, but I don't believe God will answer mine, simply because he hasn't answered them for several years now.

My mother expected me to be perfect.  A perfect daughter, a perfect musician, a perfect person, and she expected all of this while giving me nothing. I had to do it on my own when I felt like she should be helping me.  I feel like God is acting the same way now.  He expects me to be perfect, and I"m giving everything to him, but where is he?

Turning to people doesn't help either.  The phrases "I wish there was something I could do," and "I'm so sorry about this" are really sweet and thoughtful of my friends.  I honestly believe that they feel that way, but it doesn't help me on a minute-to-minute basis.  Unless you have a job for John, and a way to sell our house in a week, and the answer to my search for happiness, there isn't really much you can do for me.

Feeling like I've fulfilled my mission on earth.  Sometimes it just doesn't feel like there's any reason to go on.  My kids say that I should want to live for them--that they need me--but I've spent my entire adult life serving my husband and my kids.  When is it my turn to be taken care of?

When I read my patriarchal blessing, I have literally crossed off everything on the list.  I know what you're thinking--patriarchal blessings mean different things in different times of life, but my blessing is very factual.  You will do this, you will do that, and you will be blessed.  I have done this, I have done that, and I have been blessed.  And there's nothing more to it.

When I was driving home from the airport on Sunday, I had an overwhelming feeling that I have fulfilled the plan that God sent me here to do.  I have no college education and no future job possibilities.  I have raised my children (which, funny enough, aren't even mentioned in my patriarchal blessing).  I have served in the church, but as things are going, I'm not a very popular choice for any callings that would challenge me and stretch me.  My children don't need me anymore--they are the independent human beings I raised them to be--and whatever problems they have (in marriage, dating, or jobs), I'm not any help.  I honestly feel like I don't have anything else to do here.

I used to think that John and I would have some amazing opportunities in the church later in life, but I can see that God only finds John worthy of those callings, and even now, he's lost that.  I guess I just don't want to drift into mediocrity, and in my life, there's no possibility for anything else.

While driving home, and having these thoughts, and crying my eyes out, three different times I had the feeling to just run my car off a bridge.  I literally felt like I could just let go and do it, and I would have no regrets.  John would keep on living (and marry again), and my children would move on with their lives.  I wouldn't be missed in church or really on this planet at all.  It almost felt freeing to think of not having to worry about everything that is happening now, that has happened in the past, and that will happen in the future.  To not fight with John anymore.  To not worry about our money or our future or retiring.  To not have to put on a happy face at church.  To not need to continue to believe in a being who is currently absent from my life.  I would be so happy to let go of all of that.

There are three thoughts that stopped me from doing it.

1.  Satan is the root cause behind all of this.  He's winning the fight with me.  And not seeing God stepping up and helping me fight for the good cause is why I want to give up.  But do I want Satan to win?

2.  I'm a planner.  If I'm going to kill myself, I need to make sure everything is in order first.  I need to say my goodbyes, and I need to see some final things on earth before I die.  My kids will laugh at this, but it is true.

3.  Glo's weekly email, and a letter from Sister Dierly.  To quote Glo:  "D&C 130:20-21 says that if you are obedient, what you are obedient to is what you will receive blessings for.  When Elder Holland said that quote, I thought of everyone back home and the struggles I know that many of you are going through.  If I can only be obedient in all the things I can be, my hope is that blessings will come to all of you.  I hope they come soon too because I am trying to be obedient here no matter what other missionaries do or say.  Really, I hope me being out here helps you guys, or else I would be home helping you and Daddy during this really hard time, Mama." I do believe that is one of the most heart-felt and sincere and empathetic paragraphs ever written to me by a child of mine.  Glo gets it, probably because she's already lived through this hell with me.  Even though she's over 2,000 miles away, she understands what I need to hear, and she feels very, very close.

And Sister Dierly, a very sensitive woman in our ward wrote me and said, "We are praying in faith all will be well!  I know the Godhead are mindful of you, love you and will sustain you through this trial.  As I have said to some going through immense trials, the adversary works on those who can do the most to further His work.  The adversary will not succeed!  I also know having Glo on a mission will bring the blessings of heaven to you individually and as a family.  You and your sweet family will be abundantly blessed.  Hang in there, God has big blessings coming your way!"

My tank of faith is currently sitting at zero.  I have no belief that things will get better.  I can't see the end of trials in my life.  And comparing myself to other people, I don't know what I'm doing wrong in life, but it's obviously something big, because I don't know many people who have been asked to go through what I been asked to endure.  So for the time being, I'm holding onto the faith of others.  People are praying for us, and putting our names in the temple, and believing that this will be okay.  If they have had prayers answered and experiences where they can feel the hand of God in their lives, maybe God will answer their prayers on behalf of me.  It is seriously my last hope.