Tender Mercies

Querida Glo,

Comó estás?  Comó está el CCM?  Espero que todo esté bien!

We miss you and hope you are having a great time! You look like you are doing well in your picture on the bus, the cool kid at the back of the bus!  How is your companion?  How is the food?  How is the air in la Ciudad de México?  Have you had an air quality attack?  I hope not!

We are doing ok.  We have been serving a lot!  We are working in the bishops storehouse tues and thurs and in the temple on Thursday nightso we are pretty busy with service.  I kind of like the storehouse.  Mommy and I are pretty fast so we usually end up getting the jobs done quickly and then we just kind of sit around and wait for something to happen, like a person to come in the storehouse to shop for their food.  My favorite time at the storehouse is what I call MEAT ATTACK.  We get a team of 7 people and all the frozen meat products the storehouse provides - franks, patties, ground beef, pork sausage, pork roast, ham slices, roast beef and chicken.  They are all lined up in boxes and two people are the baggers, one guy is the meat passer, me and another guy are the double baggers and bag tyers and Sis Hicks with help from Mommy is the caller.  Sis Hicks calls the meat that should go in the bag, the passer throws it in the bag, once the bag has all the meat it can hold they pass it to us and we tie the bag and Elder Hicks puts it in a box for people to come pick up.  It is a whole system and it is kind of fun.  We can get about 50 orders done in 30 minutes with a full team. It took only 15 minutes yesterday to do 25 orders.  I really enjoy helping, it takes my mind off my troubles.  Plus, they have some funny little sayings, one bag of frozen chicken is cackleberry and two chickens in a bag are a "missionary chicken", because they go "two by two".  Mommy thought that was all very funny the other day and she and Sister Hicks were laughing hysterically.  

With all the service we have been doing, we have been pretty busy.  The house is ready to go on the market and so that is good I guess.

I wanted to tell you and the family about my experiences that have given me comfort with all that has happened.  I am still waiting for a hearing date.  As I type, my lawyer is talking to the hospital lawyer and the hearing officer about my hearing and a date.  It is kind of stressful but not really because I have been waiting now for almost 3 months for something to happen.

So, on to the good things, what have I felt to make me think this will all turn out okay.

When I was notified of all the possible badness, it was the beginning of November and I did not even know what was happening because I had never even considered this possibile.   So, I was in shock and disbelief and did not really know what to do.  However, we had a temple work session on the next day.  When we went to the temple I was kind of in a daze but I had the sense to think of needing a blessing.  My two favorite friends in the temple are Peter Groen and Bro Kaski.  They are the supervisors of our shift and they kind of watch out for me.  I am thankful for them both, they have both made me feel welcome and important in the temple.  So, I thought of getting a blessing and I asked Bro Groen if he could give me a blessing with Bro Kaski.  Usually they do not do a blessing in the temple because then everyone would be asking for that, and I was fine with that, but Bro Groen asked the presidency if they could give me the blessing in the temple and the presidency said yes.  So we went to a room, I think it was a sealing room but to be honest I have been so stressed out I cannot clearly remember.  Anyway, Bro Groen and Bro Kaski put their hands on my head and Bro Groen started to give me the blessing.  Now mind you, they don't know me that well.  Its not like we have lots of in depth conversations in the temple because we try and be reverent.  And it was very beautiful because when he started he started in the normal way, but I could feel him access the spirit right after he started because then the blessing got very specific and personal, even though these two brethren don't know me that well.  It was a beautiful blessing and I don't remember all of it, but I do remember one sentence that has given me great comfort since this started, which has really helped me to believe and not despair.  Bro Groen said basically:  "you will know what to say, to take care of this situation".  I do not remember other specifics, I wish blessings would stick with me better but that one little beautiful phrase did.  Since then I have had terrible fears and worries prey on my mind, but that blessing has strengthened my faith and given me comfort since the beginning.

Another tender mercy of all this time since October 30 when this all went down, is Mommy.  She is embroiled in this situation as bad or worse than me.  I at least kind of know what is going on, but she just has what I have explained to her and the vague fears that plague me and her about our future.  It is very difficult not knowing what is going to happen exactly or how it is going to happen.  We have been through a lot of difficult times with moving and money and houses lately and this is all very hard on both of us.  But, through all of this, Mommy and I have stuck together and been loving to each other and have tried to enjoy this time.  It is very difficult to be jumping for joy or to relax with what we are dealing with, but we have had happy moments and loving times and I am so thankful for her.  She has made the holidays good and we had so much fun with all the kids during thanksgiving and Christmas which was mostly a function of her efforts and planning.  I have always said, I am the producer of the means to allow mommy to be the director of our beautiful life and she has done a great job, even through all of the troubles we have faced lately.  She has helped and managed to get this big house ready for moving if that is necessary and it was such a blessing to have all the good helpers we had to pack the house and move the big furniture.  I honestly cannot believe how well Mommy worked it out to get the house ready.  It seems like we went to sleep one day and then the next everything was taken care of.  I am so thankful for Mommy, she has been a rock through all of this.  She has handled it all very well and though I know it is hard for her to have me around so much, without a lot to do, she has been there for me and for our family and I am so thankful.  

I had a beautiful experience when Mommy and I went to see the Messiah.  As I listened to the words:  

"Behold the Lamb of God,

that taketh away the sin of the world.
(St. John 1:29)

He was despised and rejected of men,
a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.
(Isaiah 53:3)

He gave His back to the smiters, and His cheeks to them
that plucked off the hair:
He hid not His face from shame and spitting.
(Isaiah 50:6)

Surely He hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows!
He was wounded for our transgressions,
He was bruised for our iniquities;

the chastisement of our peace was upon Him.

All they that see Him  laugh Him to scorn;
they shoot out their lips, and shake their heads, saying:
(Psalm 22:7)

He trusted in God that He would deliver Him;

let Him deliver Him, if He delight in Him.

Thy rebuke hath broken His heart:
He is full of heaviness.
He looked for some to have pity on Him, but there was no man,
neither found He any to comfort Him.
(Psalm 69:20)

Behold, and see if there be any sorrow
like unto His sorrow.
(Lamentations 1:12)

He was cut off out of the land of the living:
for the transgressions of Thy people was He stricken.
(Isaiah 53:8)

But Thou didst not leave His soul in hell;

nor didst Thou suffer Thy Holy One to see corruption."

Now, I am not comparing myself to Jesus or what he went through or the fact he did it for us.  I am suffering because of what others think of my actions and how they see what I have done.  He suffered everything he did, for our sake.  The reason these words meant so much to me was that these words are all about how Jesus as a grown man was treated poorly.  It happened to him because he had to suffer and experience what we suffer and experience for us.  The thing is, I have never as an adult, experienced anything like this.  I have never experienced a time where I am being treated so poorly, where I am being emotionally and mentally beaten down.  I have never as an adult felt like I was an outcast or that other adults were coming after and persecuting me.  So, though I have always felt sorry for Jesus, for what he had to suffer and experience, I could never really appreciate how he must have felt...until now.  As I listened to these words about how people laughed at Jesus, they did not pity him, his heart was broken, he was stricken, he was despised and rejected of men, I could in a small way understand how it must have been for him.  As a kid, I had lots of experience with being made fun of, with being rejected and beaten down, but as an adult, I have not felt that in this way.  But through this experience, I have now felt some of that adult rejection and the emotional and mental beating down, and when I thought about that for Jesus, it made me cry for His pain.  I felt so bad for him and I think it made me appreciate him even more.

A small episode happened a few weeks ago.  I was thinking about this all, and wondering why this was happening and some words from the story of adam and eve came into my mind in a very forceful way "the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil" and I realized that this experience is necessary for me to pass through sorrow.  I have to admit, I feel like I don't want it or need it but obviously God feels differently.  It just meant a lot that there was meaning to this situation though it is still very hard.  

Something happened this week on Monday.  I had a few conversations with other lawyers on the phone on Monday morning that made me very worried about my situation and made me wonder if I have a lawyer who is good enough.  I found him online and he has seemed good and attentive to me, but I am so out of my depth in this situation and I know nothing about finding a lawyer.  So I was super worried and I was telling Mommy and I was crying I was so stressed out.  I tried to call Uncle Mike and Aunt Melanie to find out how I would know if my lawyer was doing enough and neither of them were answering.  So, I asked Mommy to pray with me and we kneeled down there in the living room and said a prayer.  I asked God to help me now what to do and if Louis Czura was the right lawyer for my situation because the other two I had talked to that morning seemed very aggressive but they scared me out of my wits and I did not know what to do.  So, we get done with the prayer, and Louis Czura had texted and called me during our prayer. 

So, this week, we have been serving in the Bishop's Storehouse in the morning and in the temple in the evening.  On Tuesday we went to the storehouse and worked and then rushed over to the temple.  Mommy had been asked to substitute for another worker, and I offered to help, but they didn't need me so I went to the endowment session.  However, we were wearing our storehouse clothes so we ran into the temple and changed into our temple clothes and then Mommy went to work and I went and got my new name.  She wanted me to get in their in front so we could get out earlier as we had already had a long day, so I went into the endowment room early and sat down on the chair, nearest the door in the front on the side next to the wall.  Not the quietest place in the room being near the door.  Now, I have had lots of turmoil in my life over the past 3 months.  Lots of stress and very little peace.  So, I am sitting in this chair, at the front of the room and near the door, and I started to say a prayer.  I have to tell you Glo, it was like a cocoon of peace enveloped me.  I did not hear anything around me, I did not feel people coming into the room, it was just me talking to God in the temple.  It was a peaceful feeling like I have rarely ever experienced and it went from the time I started to pray, till the endowment started.  Just thinking about it now I feel so thankful for the experience and I know it was a message from God to me that he is watching out and taking care and protecting me.  

Another thing that has given me comfort is my patriarchal blessing.  It was given so long ago, in January  of 1980 when I was 13 years old and yet reading it now, it still gives me such insight and hope.  I tells me that I am of the lineage of Manasseh and "this lineage will be source of joy and comfort to you and will afford you strength as you live in this state of mortality".  My lineage has always made me feel special, even though many times I have not felt that based on what the world has said or the way it has treated me.  So many other things are said to me in my blessing, that have and do mean so much to me and even when I cannot imagine how it will come to pass, I have seen other parts of my blessing come to pass that seemed impossible, and my faith is strengthened that the other parts of it will too.  With all that has been going on, I have obviously been really worried about our finances.  This is what my patriarchal blessing says about that:  "You will not be unaware of the fact that all the blessings you have and will enjoy in this mortal state have come from your Heavenly Father and all the things that you expect financially and otherwise, will be given to you by your Father in heaven as you serve Him in righteousness."  

Anyway Glo, I wanted to share these thoughts with you.  I am sorry they are so serious but being a missionary is a serious thing and I am sure you can appreciate them right now because of what you are doing.  

We love you and pray for your every prayer.  We miss you and hope you are having a great time and hope to hear from you soon sometime today.

Con amor,

Papá