Well, here I sit, at 1:12am, thinking. I’m afraid that the biggest reason I have never been able to sleep like certain siblings of mine is due to my inability to turn off my brain at convenient times. I can sit in bed for hours, thinking, all the while, frustrated at myself because I CAN'T SLEEP! In this case, I took a rather long nap today, so it could just be that I’m not tired.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the concept of finding one’s self. It seems funny that we should ever need to find ourselves, because we certainly can’t go missing (folks round here don’t normally joke ‘bout Jesus). It is very possible, however, to lose one’s self amidst trials and suffering. We spend our entire lives becoming someone, only to find out that there is more that we didn’t know. If I looked at myself ten, five, or even two years ago, I would find myself to be considerably different than I am now. I find that we find ourselves best when we realize that we had lost who we were before.
Much of my mission was defined by my broken ankle, and my month spent at home. I was known around the mission for it, and I was asked to train a new missionary specifically because of that experience. People assumed that my time at home was a wondrous and fun experience, while for me, it was a living hell. We find ourselves when God throws something at us that we never expected, and I certainly never expected to be sent home early. It was one of two of my worst fears when I started my mission. I couldn’t imagine the shame and guilt of going home early. You don’t fulfill your purpose to God, or maybe He doesn’t need you as a missionary, or maybe you just aren’t good enough. Those were the thoughts that filled my head in my time at home. And you would think that when I returned to the mission, it would have been better, but instead, I constantly questioned whether I had done the right thing. Who is crazy enough to go BACK on a mission when I had an easy out? A broken ankle is a real reason for going home early. Why would I ever go back to lice, or parasites, or homes without running water or electricity? Why would I ever leave home, and my family, a SECOND time? That was something nobody on the mission ever realized. Yes, I got to go home, and take naps, and watch TV, but in the end, I had to leave my family behind again. It broke my heart to say goodbye to Mommy in the airport, and I knew that I couldn’t look back at her, or I think I wouldn’t have been able to go. But, looking back now, I am beginning to understand.
I wanted to go back for a couple of reasons.
1. I knew that I needed to improve my Spanish. It was okay after six months, but I felt that I would need it in my future, and six months wasn’t enough.
2. I needed to fulfill my promise to my mission president. When he called to tell me that I would be going home, I told him amidst my tears that I didn’t know if I would be strong enough to come back. He then lovingly told me, “Hermana, you are one of the strongest people I think I have ever met, and you will come back if you decide to do so.” Then, as I said goodbye to him in the airport, I told him that I would be back, and I could never disappoint President Murphy. I also felt that I still had a lot to learn from him.
3. I prayed, and God told me that I needed to go back. Can’t argue with that.
4. I thought about the celestial kingdom someday, and the fact that maybe someone wouldn’t come to a knowledge of the Gospel for another twenty years because I didn’t go back. I thought about the blessings they would miss because I didn’t want to go back, all because it was hard. What kind of a disciple of Christ was I if I put my needs above the needs of others? I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t go back.
So, I went back, and it was crazy hard. But then I met wonderful people who filled my heart with love, and who showed me just how wonderful anyone can be if you just believe in them. I strengthened my relationship with President and Hermana Murphy, with my companions, and with God. And best of all, I met Rene. I don’t think he realizes how much I love him, or how much I talk about him, but whenever anyone asks about my mission, I have to mention him. He is one of the best people I have ever met, and I believe, with all my heart, that he was the reason I had to go back on my mission. He had spent so long trying to leave something behind that was preventing him from joining the church, and several missionaries had tried to help him, but he could never quite make it. But he and I understood each other, and he has never looked back. He is now a strong and loyal member of the church, and he remains my friend.
Looking back on my mission, I still realize how crazy it was for me to go back, but I have also come to realize exactly why I needed to go home. I have always been a pretty intense person, and pride seems to be my biggest weakness. So, intensity+pride=not so good. When I was sent home, it was humbling in the worst way possible. I felt abandoned by God. I felt alone. I felt like a loser, and a disappointment. Now, I realize that in my first six months, I probably thought a little too much of myself, while also throwing myself too much into my mission. That sounds weird, but I was way deep into being a missionary. A little too much, I think. God needed me to come home so that I could remember the people here that loved me, and so that I could grow to appreciate them more. He needed me to come home so as to realize that coming home early from a mission doesn’t mean a person is weak or disobedient, but that sometimes, God has other plans for them. And, He needed me to find myself again. I had become Hermana Kennedy, and had left Johannah behind, bit when I would finish my mission, Hermana Kennedy would have to be left behind, and i think that had I stayed for the consecutive eighteen months, Johannah would have been lost, and who would I have been then?
When I actually came home after completing my mission, my stake president told me that there would be times in my life when Hermana Kennedy would be needed again. Not even necessarily as a missionary, but that I would need to remind myself of who I was and what I did as a full-time missionary for Christ’s church. He told me to put my name tags in places where I could see them, so that I would never forget who I became on my mission. And, he was right. There have already been times when I have needed to remind myself of the hard things I accomplished on my mission, and that nothing is impossible as long as I trust in God, and put in the work myself. Everything will be fine.
God often gives us tender moments in our lives so that we can find ourselves again. In my case, I was lost at the beginning of my mission. I had left myself behind, and I tried to become someone I saw as better. When I came home, I mentioned that I didn’t like being home because I felt that I was a better person as a missionary, and I didn’t want to be home, because I felt like I would go back to the bad person I was before. Someone who was mean, and harsh, and selfish. I felt the my mission changed me. Instead, I have realized that that person has always been inside me, but my mission helped bring her out, but not as Hermana Kennedy, or as Johannah, but as Hermana Johannah Kennedy. And at the end of it all, I returned to my refiner’s fire, ready to keep going.
God’s will is often hard to accept. I’m not sure anyone can say that they have always accepted His will without any fear or doubt. I still mention to Him every once in a while that I don’t like being here at BYU. It’s far from home, and I don’t fit in here, but He told me to come, and that is why I am here. I didn’t want to go on a mission, go home, or go back, but He told me to each time. I honestly feel like I have a really good relationship with Heavenly Father. Granted, old men love me, so it isn’t really surprising :) But, I feel like because of our relationship, He feels like He can give me anything, and knows that in the end, I’ll still love him. I feel like my life is one big curveball, and God is constantly testing my willingness to obey. And He only does it because He knows exactly who I am. God has never lost me, even though I have lost myself before. He is always putting me on the path to find myself. Even being here at BYU, I have found a part of myself that I thought would never exist. He has shown me through my mission and being here that I love people, and they love me. I used to think of myself as a black sheep, incapable of being loved or of showing love. Instead, all I want to do is show people that I love them, and they love me for it.
A little while ago, someone asked me what I think my purpose in life is. I think it was Mark... Anyway, I told him that I think God sent me to this earth to be a bridge. My patriarchal blessing specifically says that I will be a peacemaker among my friends and family, and I have seen myself play that role, sometimes without even meaning to do so. I don’t think it even means only between two people, but also just bringing peace to an individual’s heart. When I told Mommy that, she said that that was a heavy burden to have, and it is, but if that is why God needs me, then His will is easy to accept. Even if it means enduring crazy difficult trials, I will be a bridge and a peacemaker. It can be lonely, but it brings me joy to see other people happy. We each have a purpose here on earth, and we can lose a sense of that purpose sometimes, but God will always help us find it again. We just have to trust Him, and be willing to push through difficult things.
So, if you’re struggling with something right now, never fear. God is just trying to show you a little more of who you are. He is helping you to find yourself, and you just need to trust Him, and everything will be okay. That’s truly what I believe. Everything will work out like it needs to. Everything will be okay, and we will look back on those times in our lives, and wonder why we ever worried.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the concept of finding one’s self. It seems funny that we should ever need to find ourselves, because we certainly can’t go missing (folks round here don’t normally joke ‘bout Jesus). It is very possible, however, to lose one’s self amidst trials and suffering. We spend our entire lives becoming someone, only to find out that there is more that we didn’t know. If I looked at myself ten, five, or even two years ago, I would find myself to be considerably different than I am now. I find that we find ourselves best when we realize that we had lost who we were before.
Much of my mission was defined by my broken ankle, and my month spent at home. I was known around the mission for it, and I was asked to train a new missionary specifically because of that experience. People assumed that my time at home was a wondrous and fun experience, while for me, it was a living hell. We find ourselves when God throws something at us that we never expected, and I certainly never expected to be sent home early. It was one of two of my worst fears when I started my mission. I couldn’t imagine the shame and guilt of going home early. You don’t fulfill your purpose to God, or maybe He doesn’t need you as a missionary, or maybe you just aren’t good enough. Those were the thoughts that filled my head in my time at home. And you would think that when I returned to the mission, it would have been better, but instead, I constantly questioned whether I had done the right thing. Who is crazy enough to go BACK on a mission when I had an easy out? A broken ankle is a real reason for going home early. Why would I ever go back to lice, or parasites, or homes without running water or electricity? Why would I ever leave home, and my family, a SECOND time? That was something nobody on the mission ever realized. Yes, I got to go home, and take naps, and watch TV, but in the end, I had to leave my family behind again. It broke my heart to say goodbye to Mommy in the airport, and I knew that I couldn’t look back at her, or I think I wouldn’t have been able to go. But, looking back now, I am beginning to understand.
I wanted to go back for a couple of reasons.
1. I knew that I needed to improve my Spanish. It was okay after six months, but I felt that I would need it in my future, and six months wasn’t enough.
2. I needed to fulfill my promise to my mission president. When he called to tell me that I would be going home, I told him amidst my tears that I didn’t know if I would be strong enough to come back. He then lovingly told me, “Hermana, you are one of the strongest people I think I have ever met, and you will come back if you decide to do so.” Then, as I said goodbye to him in the airport, I told him that I would be back, and I could never disappoint President Murphy. I also felt that I still had a lot to learn from him.
3. I prayed, and God told me that I needed to go back. Can’t argue with that.
4. I thought about the celestial kingdom someday, and the fact that maybe someone wouldn’t come to a knowledge of the Gospel for another twenty years because I didn’t go back. I thought about the blessings they would miss because I didn’t want to go back, all because it was hard. What kind of a disciple of Christ was I if I put my needs above the needs of others? I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t go back.
So, I went back, and it was crazy hard. But then I met wonderful people who filled my heart with love, and who showed me just how wonderful anyone can be if you just believe in them. I strengthened my relationship with President and Hermana Murphy, with my companions, and with God. And best of all, I met Rene. I don’t think he realizes how much I love him, or how much I talk about him, but whenever anyone asks about my mission, I have to mention him. He is one of the best people I have ever met, and I believe, with all my heart, that he was the reason I had to go back on my mission. He had spent so long trying to leave something behind that was preventing him from joining the church, and several missionaries had tried to help him, but he could never quite make it. But he and I understood each other, and he has never looked back. He is now a strong and loyal member of the church, and he remains my friend.
Looking back on my mission, I still realize how crazy it was for me to go back, but I have also come to realize exactly why I needed to go home. I have always been a pretty intense person, and pride seems to be my biggest weakness. So, intensity+pride=not so good. When I was sent home, it was humbling in the worst way possible. I felt abandoned by God. I felt alone. I felt like a loser, and a disappointment. Now, I realize that in my first six months, I probably thought a little too much of myself, while also throwing myself too much into my mission. That sounds weird, but I was way deep into being a missionary. A little too much, I think. God needed me to come home so that I could remember the people here that loved me, and so that I could grow to appreciate them more. He needed me to come home so as to realize that coming home early from a mission doesn’t mean a person is weak or disobedient, but that sometimes, God has other plans for them. And, He needed me to find myself again. I had become Hermana Kennedy, and had left Johannah behind, bit when I would finish my mission, Hermana Kennedy would have to be left behind, and i think that had I stayed for the consecutive eighteen months, Johannah would have been lost, and who would I have been then?
When I actually came home after completing my mission, my stake president told me that there would be times in my life when Hermana Kennedy would be needed again. Not even necessarily as a missionary, but that I would need to remind myself of who I was and what I did as a full-time missionary for Christ’s church. He told me to put my name tags in places where I could see them, so that I would never forget who I became on my mission. And, he was right. There have already been times when I have needed to remind myself of the hard things I accomplished on my mission, and that nothing is impossible as long as I trust in God, and put in the work myself. Everything will be fine.
God often gives us tender moments in our lives so that we can find ourselves again. In my case, I was lost at the beginning of my mission. I had left myself behind, and I tried to become someone I saw as better. When I came home, I mentioned that I didn’t like being home because I felt that I was a better person as a missionary, and I didn’t want to be home, because I felt like I would go back to the bad person I was before. Someone who was mean, and harsh, and selfish. I felt the my mission changed me. Instead, I have realized that that person has always been inside me, but my mission helped bring her out, but not as Hermana Kennedy, or as Johannah, but as Hermana Johannah Kennedy. And at the end of it all, I returned to my refiner’s fire, ready to keep going.
God’s will is often hard to accept. I’m not sure anyone can say that they have always accepted His will without any fear or doubt. I still mention to Him every once in a while that I don’t like being here at BYU. It’s far from home, and I don’t fit in here, but He told me to come, and that is why I am here. I didn’t want to go on a mission, go home, or go back, but He told me to each time. I honestly feel like I have a really good relationship with Heavenly Father. Granted, old men love me, so it isn’t really surprising :) But, I feel like because of our relationship, He feels like He can give me anything, and knows that in the end, I’ll still love him. I feel like my life is one big curveball, and God is constantly testing my willingness to obey. And He only does it because He knows exactly who I am. God has never lost me, even though I have lost myself before. He is always putting me on the path to find myself. Even being here at BYU, I have found a part of myself that I thought would never exist. He has shown me through my mission and being here that I love people, and they love me. I used to think of myself as a black sheep, incapable of being loved or of showing love. Instead, all I want to do is show people that I love them, and they love me for it.
A little while ago, someone asked me what I think my purpose in life is. I think it was Mark... Anyway, I told him that I think God sent me to this earth to be a bridge. My patriarchal blessing specifically says that I will be a peacemaker among my friends and family, and I have seen myself play that role, sometimes without even meaning to do so. I don’t think it even means only between two people, but also just bringing peace to an individual’s heart. When I told Mommy that, she said that that was a heavy burden to have, and it is, but if that is why God needs me, then His will is easy to accept. Even if it means enduring crazy difficult trials, I will be a bridge and a peacemaker. It can be lonely, but it brings me joy to see other people happy. We each have a purpose here on earth, and we can lose a sense of that purpose sometimes, but God will always help us find it again. We just have to trust Him, and be willing to push through difficult things.So, if you’re struggling with something right now, never fear. God is just trying to show you a little more of who you are. He is helping you to find yourself, and you just need to trust Him, and everything will be okay. That’s truly what I believe. Everything will work out like it needs to. Everything will be okay, and we will look back on those times in our lives, and wonder why we ever worried.
Thanks for your post Hanni! I’m glad you’re finding yourself. We’re glad you’re you!
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