I hear about people who stop celebrating holidays because of some bad associated memory, or who have some kind of anxiety as certain dates approach on the calendar. I've never understood that, because for some strange reason, God gave me the ability to forget things rather easily. I'm not talking about how I forget a movie from one night to the next, but more I can let go of traumatic events. For sure, this came about because there were so many daily traumatic events in the years of my childhood that it was a matter of survival to be able to forget. In fact, 30 years later, certain moments will only come back to me now in horrific flashes. And when I think back on when my dad died in 1983, I can hardly believe that I just went to school the next day and moved on with life with absolutely no time to grieve. As that fateful September day rolls around each year, I don't pause to remember it or think about him--it comes and goes without fanfare or even recognition.
However, there have been some events recently that may be changing how I view certain dates. Last Christmas Eve, Chief took sick with his ruptured spleen, and our family spent the next week visiting him in the animal hospital and praying for his recovery. I can see now that he just wanted to die, but we didn't want him to. And when we woke up the final morning to find him dead, it was a terribly sad ending to so much struggle. As I see the Christmas decorations out now, those painful memories of his last days are forefront in my mind. It taints Christmas.
And the Thanksgiving of this year? I have no doubt that it will have even more of an impact on years to come.
This Thanksgiving was completely overshadowed by John having his surgical privileges revoked at the hospital. We hadn't had much time to process everything since he had received news in Cayman about it. We were in the first stages of grieving: anger and denial. And there was a definite loss of hope for our future. It felt like we were in some strange experiment where we needed to put on a happy face and act like nothing was wrong when our entire lives were falling apart.
The kids were home and we knew the time was short with them....but did they understand that we wouldn't be celebrating Thanksgiving next year in this same house?
We were cutting our Christmas tree and singing Christmas carols....but what was the point? We needed to meet with a realtor and start staging the house.
The Barneys came over for Thanksgiving dinner since their dad was stuck somewhere near Omaha, Nebraska for the night, and we wanted to support them....but we were the ones who really needed the support.
We went around the tables in regular fashion, counting our blessings, but it was hard to feel blessed when everything was crashing down around us.
I already look back at Grand Cayman with nausea, and I wonder if I can ever go back there again. The whole experience--diving off the south side of the island, swimming in the pool where John told me what his official letter said, Sunshine Suites where I could see him sending out emails in hopes that this wasn't really happening, even Eatz (one of our favorite restaurants) where I sat at the table like a zombie, helping Glo work through the anxiety and tears of having to pack up the house and move again--was just too much. It was in our faces, and in our minds, and all-consuming. The thought of ever going back there just makes me sick.
For Thanksgiving, we got everything ready like we always do, and we brought in my g-mother's dining room table from the barn since we would need seven more seats for the Barneys. I would think that the memories of sitting around my grandmother's table would supplant all of the bad feelings I was having, but I'm not sure I can ever look at it again. For the meal, I couldn't even eat my food because of the stress I was feeling.
And that night, we had planned to go see Wreck It Ralph 2 in the theaters with the Barneys. The entire drive there, John and I were talking about nothing but what was happening to us since we hadn't been able to say anything at dinner. And I could think of nothing else through the movie. In fact, I finally leaned over to Amber and told her what was happening. She was in shock--not so much about John's job, but about us needing to leave. And it was only when we drove back home, and she said goodbye on the step that she grabbed me in a bear hug and held me through my tears.
The thought of leaving her and my happy life here in Michigan was too much. I went into my bedroom and spent the next hour on the floor, crying and begging God to let us stay. There was really nothing else I could do but ask for a miracle.
I'm hoping that when Thanksgiving, 2019 rolls around, there might be a bit more hope and a little less drama. I would like to have the luxury of just thinking about my blessings and enjoying my family. It will not be easy though.
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As is happening a lot to me lately, I don't remember when I've blogged about certain events, and so I end up duplicating a blog post. The same holds true here (the above post was written on 12/17/18, and the one below was written 1/22/19)
I don't want to ever remember this past Thanksgiving, and yet I don't want to forget it either. Besides the one day we had together as a family when Hannah came home from her mission, this was the first time that we were all together for more than a day.
I had asked Amber Barney what her family was planning for Thanksgiving, and she told me "nothing". They've been in Europe for so long, and have used the holiday to travel for so many years, that they have absolutely no Thanksgiving traditions. Not even turkey. Well, with Ryan piloting somewhere in Nebraska, he wasn't going to be here either, so I invited the whole Barney family to our house for Thanksgiving. All seven of them!
I swear, if the thought of John losing his job hadn't been looming over us, it would have been a really great day. And it would have been an even better few days with all the kids at home. But I couldn't even finish my plate of food because I was so sick to my stomach, and I hadn't slept in days.
Honestly though, it was so good to have Hannie home again. Through the years, she has become a huge support to me, always there to help.
Because there were going to be so many of us, I had the boys bring in my grandmother's dining room table from the barn, along with its accompanying eight chairs. I love that table and wish it had a more permanent residence in our home. But we set it up right next to our regular kitchen table, and it looked quite lovely.
The Barneys are so easy to please. They will seriously eat anything I put in front of them. And afterwards, while still sitting at the table, we went around and shared what we were thankful for. It was extremely hard for John and me to think of anything positive, but Baby had no problem. Her response? She was thankful for Jesus.
Afterwards, we played Loaded Questions, and then we had plans for a movie. We drove down to Emagine Saline to see Wreck It Ralph 2, a movie that our family was greatly anticipating. Oh goodness, it was a disappointment to say the least, although some of that may have come from not being able to think about anything but John losing his job. And five minutes before the movie started, I just unloaded on Amber about what was going on. And as soon as the movie finished, she continued the conversation. And when we unloaded the cars back at home, she asked me more questions. And she hugged me on the front porch and cried with me. What a dear friend. I then went into my bedroom and begged God, through tears, to let us stay in Michigan.
The next day, we went tree hunting. Again, the dark cloud hung over John and me. And the trees looked like they were feeling the same way after such a rainless summer. But we managed to be the "choir of Heavenly angels" on the hay ride, garnering the typical applause when the Kennedys sing together ;-)
On Saturday, Ethan and Rebecca went to the temple which meant John and I got to watch the babies. Brother had been fussy the whole weekend, so it was a long four hours. However, one thing we know that will always make Brother happy? Playing in the bathtub ;-)
However, there have been some events recently that may be changing how I view certain dates. Last Christmas Eve, Chief took sick with his ruptured spleen, and our family spent the next week visiting him in the animal hospital and praying for his recovery. I can see now that he just wanted to die, but we didn't want him to. And when we woke up the final morning to find him dead, it was a terribly sad ending to so much struggle. As I see the Christmas decorations out now, those painful memories of his last days are forefront in my mind. It taints Christmas.
And the Thanksgiving of this year? I have no doubt that it will have even more of an impact on years to come.
This Thanksgiving was completely overshadowed by John having his surgical privileges revoked at the hospital. We hadn't had much time to process everything since he had received news in Cayman about it. We were in the first stages of grieving: anger and denial. And there was a definite loss of hope for our future. It felt like we were in some strange experiment where we needed to put on a happy face and act like nothing was wrong when our entire lives were falling apart.
The kids were home and we knew the time was short with them....but did they understand that we wouldn't be celebrating Thanksgiving next year in this same house?
We were cutting our Christmas tree and singing Christmas carols....but what was the point? We needed to meet with a realtor and start staging the house.
The Barneys came over for Thanksgiving dinner since their dad was stuck somewhere near Omaha, Nebraska for the night, and we wanted to support them....but we were the ones who really needed the support.
We went around the tables in regular fashion, counting our blessings, but it was hard to feel blessed when everything was crashing down around us.
I already look back at Grand Cayman with nausea, and I wonder if I can ever go back there again. The whole experience--diving off the south side of the island, swimming in the pool where John told me what his official letter said, Sunshine Suites where I could see him sending out emails in hopes that this wasn't really happening, even Eatz (one of our favorite restaurants) where I sat at the table like a zombie, helping Glo work through the anxiety and tears of having to pack up the house and move again--was just too much. It was in our faces, and in our minds, and all-consuming. The thought of ever going back there just makes me sick.
For Thanksgiving, we got everything ready like we always do, and we brought in my g-mother's dining room table from the barn since we would need seven more seats for the Barneys. I would think that the memories of sitting around my grandmother's table would supplant all of the bad feelings I was having, but I'm not sure I can ever look at it again. For the meal, I couldn't even eat my food because of the stress I was feeling.
And that night, we had planned to go see Wreck It Ralph 2 in the theaters with the Barneys. The entire drive there, John and I were talking about nothing but what was happening to us since we hadn't been able to say anything at dinner. And I could think of nothing else through the movie. In fact, I finally leaned over to Amber and told her what was happening. She was in shock--not so much about John's job, but about us needing to leave. And it was only when we drove back home, and she said goodbye on the step that she grabbed me in a bear hug and held me through my tears.
The thought of leaving her and my happy life here in Michigan was too much. I went into my bedroom and spent the next hour on the floor, crying and begging God to let us stay. There was really nothing else I could do but ask for a miracle.
I'm hoping that when Thanksgiving, 2019 rolls around, there might be a bit more hope and a little less drama. I would like to have the luxury of just thinking about my blessings and enjoying my family. It will not be easy though.
--------------
As is happening a lot to me lately, I don't remember when I've blogged about certain events, and so I end up duplicating a blog post. The same holds true here (the above post was written on 12/17/18, and the one below was written 1/22/19)
I don't want to ever remember this past Thanksgiving, and yet I don't want to forget it either. Besides the one day we had together as a family when Hannah came home from her mission, this was the first time that we were all together for more than a day.
I had asked Amber Barney what her family was planning for Thanksgiving, and she told me "nothing". They've been in Europe for so long, and have used the holiday to travel for so many years, that they have absolutely no Thanksgiving traditions. Not even turkey. Well, with Ryan piloting somewhere in Nebraska, he wasn't going to be here either, so I invited the whole Barney family to our house for Thanksgiving. All seven of them!
I swear, if the thought of John losing his job hadn't been looming over us, it would have been a really great day. And it would have been an even better few days with all the kids at home. But I couldn't even finish my plate of food because I was so sick to my stomach, and I hadn't slept in days.
Honestly though, it was so good to have Hannie home again. Through the years, she has become a huge support to me, always there to help.Because there were going to be so many of us, I had the boys bring in my grandmother's dining room table from the barn, along with its accompanying eight chairs. I love that table and wish it had a more permanent residence in our home. But we set it up right next to our regular kitchen table, and it looked quite lovely.
The Barneys are so easy to please. They will seriously eat anything I put in front of them. And afterwards, while still sitting at the table, we went around and shared what we were thankful for. It was extremely hard for John and me to think of anything positive, but Baby had no problem. Her response? She was thankful for Jesus.
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| Thanksgiving day. So many memories. And Mark won! |
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| This is the only picture I have of Amber and me. It was taken when she convinced me to go work a shift at the Bishop's Storehouse. |
The next day, we went tree hunting. Again, the dark cloud hung over John and me. And the trees looked like they were feeling the same way after such a rainless summer. But we managed to be the "choir of Heavenly angels" on the hay ride, garnering the typical applause when the Kennedys sing together ;-)
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| I love this picture of Brother and Poppie in their matching coats. |
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| Sometimes our obsession with height comes in handy. We can use our children as yard sticks to know how tall our trees are (and how we'll need to pay for them). |
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| We had lunch at Culver's afterwards. Think Glo was a bit cold? |
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| Glo, assembling our Lego Christmas village once again. I ask you--who will do this for me next year? |
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| Brother. He couldn't quite stay awake until it was time to leave, so I got to hold him like this. #Heaven |
Like I said, people and events to remember, and sad and depressed feelings to forget. Thanksgiving 2018.
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