Feeling the Prayers

I love taking the sacrament.  For some strange reason, I have some of my most powerful spiritual experiences while sitting up on the organ bench and praying during the sacrament.  I think it might be because there isn't a single other distraction--no kids, no phone, not even John.  It's just me and thinking about my Savior.

I also find that a lot of times, the Spirit directs those prayers.  I think I'm going to be praying about something or someone, but my thoughts go in other unexpected directions.

It was no different this past Sunday.  I was sitting on the bench, planning on once again praying for the mess that is our lives at the moment, and praying for hope that I won't want to kill myself sometime in the near future, and all I could think about was my blessings.

So many blessings.

In fact, I realized in those ten minutes, that in the time that our livelihood has been taken away, I have been given so much more.  As I like to tell the kids when they are going through some trial, it's the yin and the yang.  You might be lacking in one area, but you will have an abundance in another.  As is written in Job:

21 And said, Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath takenaway; blessed be the name of the Lord.

Here are the blessings I thought of:

• The Barneys. They are family.  Yesterday, Layton gave his homecoming talk, and it was stellar.  And I accompanied Sage on "A Still and Starry Night" and it was one of the most beautiful musical numbers I've ever played for.  What a blessing to have them during this time--people where I can be who am I with no worries.  And a sister who hugs me until I can cry no more.
• The Young Women.  I look out over the congregation from my seat at the organ, and I see them all.  I love them.  They are such a testimony to me that the Lord loves me.
• The year and a half we have lived in Michigan.  Man, we have had a good time here.  John and I have really found our rhythm with hockey games, and concerts, and restaurants.  It's been a blessing to live here.
• My girls' boyfriends.  For me, the best distraction from all of my problems has been following my girls and their dating lives.  They are so good to share all of the details with me (and the rest of the family), and it's been so fun.  I'm really just so grateful that they have made such good choices along the way, and they continue to do so.  What a blessing to know that they won't make any moral mistakes, but are dating for all the right reasons.  And with that, I'm thankful for the terrific boys who see the potential in my girls.  My girls don't fit the regular mold of a datable LDS girl, so I'm thankful for the boys who took a chance on them--it shows their own caliber.
• A prophet of God.  This past year has been a defining year for me.  I have found myself again through friendship and service.  Having a prophet who has encouraged me to do more, to love more, and to serve more has helped me do that.  
• The temple.  I thought John was a little crazy volunteering us to be temple workers almost a year ago, and yet the temple has been our saving grace through this last month.  It's the one place where the fears and doubts and worries that Satan puts into our hearts and minds can't find a place for a few blissful hours.  It's a time where we can receive unadulterated feelings from the Lord, not clouded by our own insecurities.  And having memorized the words of all the ordinances, those words come into mind when I am outside the temple and offer me comfort.  
• Baby.  Baby is alive after being run over by a horse carriage.  Nothing on earth could overshadow the gratitude I feel for that.
• Caring friends.  While John told me not to share any of the details of what's going on in our lives (despite the fact that he's basically telling anyone and everyone), I have let people know that I'm struggling.  And the response to my struggles has been overwhelming.  We have received cards in the mail, books for us to read, beautiful flower arrangements both delivered by courier and by hand, and encouraging texts and emails.  And there are so many people praying for us, fasting for us, and putting our names on the temple prayer roll.  I saw one of the women at church yesterday who has not only sent us a card of encouragement, but who left both John and me voicemails telling us that she's worried about us.  I told Sister Dyerly that as much as I know I should be miserable and stressed about what's happening to us, I feel hopeful and optimistic.  And I believe those feelings come from the literal strength I'm receiving from the prayers and faith of other people.  One of my favorite quotes from all general conference talks comes from Jeffrey R. Holland.  In his talk "Lord, I Believe", he said, "so if your faith is a little tested in this or any season, I invite you to lean on mine."  I have done this.  I have leaned on the faith and prayers of my friends, and I can feel the power in that.  I can feel my worries washing away even though they are still there in the forefront.  I almost feel guilty for feeling so optimistic and happy, and yet I think that's how the Lord wants us to feel in our trials.

And with that, I was in tears up at the organ.  It feels ridiculous to let myself get so caught up in the stress of mortality that I forget the things of immortality.  But when I do, I'm thankful to have family, friends and the gospel to remind me of what's really important.