Me versus The Lord

I ask you, why is it that everything in my life has to take on some deep meaning?  Why can't I just breeze through the daily ins-and-outs and ups-and-downs without much thought?  There's something about my spirit (and I'm talking about the soul that existed before my body was even created and that chose to follow Jesus and come to this earth for "experience") that doesn't allow me to see anything without thinking deeply about it.  Sometimes, I will admit, it's rather exhausting.

Last November, I was offered the same job I always work at Interlochen for this summer.  I didn't think twice about accepting it.  Let me make a list for you of reasons I love to go to Interlochen (I'm only doing this because I've made this list in my own mind about a million times over the past few days):

• I can lose weight at Interlochen.  After my sudden and horrific weight gain this past winter from multiple courses of steroids, I was looking forward to going back to Interlochen.  Why can I lose weight there?
• I only have to feed myself (no pressure to make cookies or homemade treats to keep the troops happy).
• I can eat when I want (and not need to wait for John to come home to eat with him).
• I can get my exercising done during work, so there's no dreaded "exercise" time to talk myself out of each day.
• I don't have access to a kitchen, so I only eat what I can eat that day and what I can cook in a microwave.
• I have so many friends at Interlochen.  This is probably the main reason I go.  Not having had many friends for the past twelve years in Pennsylvania, reconnecting with my Interlochen friends reminds me that I'm not a total loser and that people do, in fact, like me.  Too, I love the campers, and they like me.
• I am really really good at my job there.  Being a Health Assistant is really an entry-level job, but I act more like a manager.  I lift the work load and burdens put on the nurses, and I make sure everything runs smoothly.  When I'm not there for the weekend, or the times I've only worked part-time, the nurses beg me to change my plans, or praise my name on my return.  I won't lie--I don't get that kind of appreciation or praise at home, so it's refreshing to be reminded of the fact that I can be a pretty amazing worker.
• I can focus on myself for a few short weeks.  My daily life is full of worry about everyone else.  It doesn't matter if it's phone calls from everybody, or praying for Hannie's safety in Ecuador, or if it's letting KitTen out on the Catio for the tenth time that day.  It's really nice to get away from some of those worries and just relax.
• The music is cathartic for me.  Let's face it--classical music concerts aren't really on the top of anyone's list to attend...except mine...so having a slew of possibilities, all waiting for me, is like heaven.  I don't need to cajole anyone into accompanying me, and I can attend as many or as few as I'd like.  In other words, it fills my tank for the next year.

Going to Interlochen though is a bit like going through labor.  Afterwards, you swear you'll never have another baby, but then time passes and you forget about all the pain.  I have had my bad experiences at Interlochen too, and I frequently forget about them because of all the good memories, but they are there.  I have struggled with some really crabby nurses who have made me hate going to work. I have had power struggles with people in charge who hunt down my kids for coming to my room at night to say "hi".  I never know if I will get a room to myself, or if I'll be assigned a roommate, despite being the senior Health Assistant, and don't even get me started on living in a room in the summer with no air conditioning.  The food at the cafeteria makes my belly sick, so I have to go grocery shopping every day after work to get something fresh to eat.  And there may be other grievances, but again, I don't remember them very well.

But just like labor, the good outweighs the bad, and so I keep returning.  In the past, it's made financial sense for me to work, because the tuition for the kids was reduced enough to make it all worth it (some summers being worth over $10,000).  While I wouldn't be needing any of that assistance this year, I was looking forward to the $2,300 I would earn so that I can pay to get part of the house finally painted.

And, and I hate to even write this, it's nice to have a job.  I always planned on being a working woman, but I've had to make difficult choices throughout my life to not work.  With hind sight, it was always the right choice to not work, but I miss it.  As John says, it's probably good that he ended up being the working parent, because I would be far more dedicated to my job than he is.  In other words, I really like to work, and would definitely put work before my family and relationships.  And I've seen firsthand, through my own working mother, what devastating effects that has on a family.

So....

In case you haven't heard, we moved to Michigan last summer ;-). I actually turned down a calling to be the Relief Society Activities leader because I was so overwhelmed with our house not selling (and still needing to drive several more moving trucks to Michigan), my mother was trying to reconnect with me which was driving my stress odometer past the limit, and in all honesty, thinking about a social calling at this point in my life was just too much.  I actually told the bishopric multiple times that Relief Society wasn't really a good place for me to serve.  I'm sure they thought I was one of those people who just wants to pick and choose their calling, but it was so much more for me.  Seeing as the last twelve years have involved multiple sisters in the ward taking me down for various things and turning me into the ward's pariah, I just don't have a lot of trust in the sisters in Relief Society.  I know that I shouldn't judge the Chelsea ward sisters without giving them a fair shake, but it's like food poisoning--once you get food poisoning a couple of times from the same restaurant, you aren't frequenting the restaurant chain again, whether or not it's in a different location.  John felt like it was calling suicide, turning down a calling, and I completely understand.  The bishopric could think I'm prideful, or doubtful, or faithless.  However, in that moment, I just couldn't accept it.

In the meantime, I've been serving as a part-time organist, a darn good visiting teacher, and doing anything else anyone asks me to do.

But I've felt very unfulfilled.  In all honesty, I wondered if my time for serving was over.  I've thanked the Lord multiple times for allowing me to serve as Primary President back in Dayton, and Young Women's President in Bitburg, because I'm not sure I will ever get an opportunity like that again.  And it's not like anyone in the Chelsea ward has really been getting to know me--it's been far more me attempting to get to know them.

So imagine my surprise last Sunday when a new counselor in the bishopric asked to speak to me and extended the calling to serve in the Young Women's presidency.

Now, if I was any kind of normal person, this would be no big deal.  Easy breezy.  Cool, cool, c-c-c-cool.  But I'm not normal, and it was a big deal.

For so many years of feeling like a second-class citizen in State College, and for never being asked to serve in any ward presidency in State College, and for having so many women hunting me down, and for praying for so many years to just be given a chance, it was a major big deal.  In fact, it only took a minute after I got home to start crying in gratitude to the Lord.

Knowing that I wasn't going to be in church this Sunday (and assuming that I would be sustained in sacrament meeting), I contacted the YW president to let her know that I wouldn't be there.  I also told her about having a job at Interlochen this summer, and I asked her to just give me a run down of what she expects from me, because in all honesty, the program is huge and there is a bunch of staff.

Here's what she wrote back:

I am so happy that you are excited about this calling.  I will tell you that Heavenly Father wanted you in Young Women's.  I knew you had been traveling a lot, and I need someone who is here pretty regularly, so I kept putting your name aside, worried your schedule wouldn't permit it.  However, every time I would try to think of people to call, your name kept coming back to my mind.  And every time someone would suggest another name, it just didn't feel right.  So with that being said, it sounds like Heavenly Father has an important purpose for you to be in YWs.  I have always gone with the name Heavenly Father gives me, and it has always worked well, and I am sure you will be no exception.

Do you know what my first thoughts were?  How can I possibly go to Interlochen with her response in my mind?  How can I set to the side a calling that I have hoped for and prayed for for something that I want to do for myself?  And most importantly, am I keeping my temple covenants of consecrating everything that I am to the Lord and his church if I make the calling a side focus?

I spent the next couple of days, trying to figure out a schedule where I could be back in Chelsea on Sundays and Wednesdays, and still go to Youth Conference as a parent chaperone (John and I agreed to do this months ago) and attend Girls Camp.  My boss at Interlochen had already denied me every weekend off which I asked for long before this calling came around.

But I just don't want to give up Interlochen.  It's my "me" time, and it almost feels like part of the fabric of me to go every summer.  I want to lose weight.  I want to go to concerts.  I want to reconnect with friends.

And I've gone back and forth this week, trying to make a final decision.  Either my new calling would need to wait, or Interlochen would need to wait.  As soon as I make one decision, an argument pops up for the other way, and vice versa.

At one point, I asked the Lord to help me see what would be better for the Young Women and for me, and I was hit with a face-palm moment.  Duh!  Did it make sense to counsel the Lord and tell him what I thought was best when he so clearly felt like I should have this calling?  And would it be better for the girls to be without me for the summer (don't answer that yet...)?

But then I figured I could work it out so that I could do both.  

I think the thing that scared me the most is the idea that there are a lot of days in between Sunday and Wednesday when I wouldn't have anything to do at home except take care of the animals, and John, and Glo, and once again, I wouldn't be taking care of myself.  Will I be able to keep going through the next year without the time away?

I came home from church today so upset.  After all, the clock is ticking with only a month left before Interlochen starts, and I don't want to leave my boss in a lurch (which she already will be).  So I sat down in front of the TV in the hotel in Altoona, ready to watch something to take my mind off of my troubles.

And there I saw it.  The TV has the BYUtv station, and it was showing a talk from Women's Conference.  I've never watched BYUtv except for General Conference, and I didn't figure I'd start now.  However, the movie that I wanted to watch (Hitch) was on commercial break, and gosh darn it, the Spirit was prompting me to watch it.  So I figured I would watch it until the commercial break ended.

Heavenly Father, he's so tricky.  It just so happened to be one of my favorite speakers of all time, Neill Marriott, the former second counselor in the Young Women's General Presidency, and what was her topic?  Being a covenant keeping woman.

Sister Marriott has the ability to make you feel like she's your best friend, and when she speaks, she's not speaking to an auditorium full of women but she's sitting at the table, speaking to you.  And when she asked me the question, "Are you binding yourself to the Savior through your covenants?", I knew I had my answer.  She then proceeded to tell me how to talk to Heavenly Father in prayer which I proceeded to do after muting the television.

Yep, there I was, kneeling at the chair in our living room suite in the Wingate Hotel in downtown Altoona, pouring my heart out, out loud, to Heavenly Father.  I didn't even need to ask (yet again) what I should do.  I knew the answer.

For so many years, I have given of myself to my kids by working at Interlochen.  They have had a parent close by, and they have been able to have the summers of their lives because of my sacrifice.  That season is over, and it's time to give of myself to some other kids.  It's time to consecrate what I can give to someone else.

I was weeping, telling Heavenly Father how sad I was to not be returning to Interlochen, and I told Him that I would need His comfort not only for the next day or two, but for the summer, and possibly afterwards.  As my very wise son, Mark, told me, the pain from this kind of disappointment doesn't go away easily, but it will be with me for a very long time.  However, I need to trust that the Savior can be the salve to my soul, and that I will find comfort along the way.  I hope that I will find a way to fulfill myself in the same ways that Interlochen could--that maybe I can lose weight at home, that maybe I can make new friends, and that maybe I can attend a local concert or two.  Maybe, but maybe not.  But life isn't about negotiating with the Lord--it's about aligning our wills with His.

I made a covenant to give everything to the Lord, and when push comes to shove, I always want to be able to say that I did it.  That I gave up what I wanted for what he asked me to do.  Once again, I'm giving up what I want to do for what He wants me to do, and hopefully with hind sight, I'll see that it was the right decision.

Lord, help me.