Even though Gary Chapman wrote his book "The Five Love Languages" over 20 years ago, I only discovered it a few years ago while visiting a book store in Grand Cayman. Mr. Chapman theorizes that there are five expressions of love that one can show to their mate, but of course they extend to other relationships also: receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service and physical touch. Looking at my relationship with John, I knew that a couple of the languages were definitely NOT me: words of affirmation (I refuse to accept any compliment), and physical touch (I have appropriately nicknamed John Duo-Pus (as in an octopus but with only two arms) due to the number of times he reaches out to touch me at night....and I roll to the far side of the bed to get away from it). At first, I thought receiving gifts might be my language because of how happy getting a package of treats from Sarah makes me, but when I think of Christmas, I really don't care about getting any type of gift. Well, with a couple of exceptions. I love getting games, and the two times I cried over a gift were when John gave our family a cruise to the Caribbean and when Glo bought me a DNA test.
So it came down to the remaining two languages--quality time, and acts of service--but when I think of acts of service, it feels like the action arm of words of affirmation, and I don't like that idea. So it comes down to quality time. And looking back on those Christmas gifts? Yep, it's me!
When I was living in Pennsylvania, I felt like quality time came in the form of big family vacations, or really any type of vacation. However, since I have moved to Michigan, I have discovered that it doesn't take much effort to give me the feeling of love through time.
This week is a perfect example. It's spring break for the University of Michigan, but Mark didn't remember that, nor did he plan anything, nor are he and Allison doing much of anything special for it. So Mark has been coming over in the mornings to do yoga with me and to exercise. For the first three days of the week, it was spring-like weather outside, so I was more than happy to go running on the Dexter path over the river and through the woods (but not to Grandmother's house....). Today however, Mother Nature reminded us that it isn't actually Spring yet, so I thought it would be fun to try out the Dexter Wellness Center. John signed me up a couple of weeks ago, but with the nice weather, I haven't been yet. We have a couple of guest passes, so I took Mark in. We were doing our cardio (him on the treadmill, me on the indoor path) when I passed by the basketball courts which also double as pickle ball (or whiffle ball) courts. We went in and spent a good 30 minutes playing pickle ball.
It was SO MUCH FUN! And to be honest, I totally held my own against Mark despite the fact that he's half my age. I guess those pickle ball lessons in tenth grade gym class came in handy! ;-). Plus, as Mark said when we were walking in, I AM pretty good at racquet sports in general :-). If my body would have allowed it, and if we'd had more time, I would've kept playing for hours. We weren't on any screens (obviously), and Mark made it fun. In fact, I seemed much more out-of-breath than he was, so I told him that anytime he missed a shot, he had to run a court lap....which he did because he's such an obedient boy (which he pointed out to me).
I honestly can't think of anything that makes me happier than spending time with people. Just thinking back over my recent life, I cried tears of joy when Sarah told me she was coming for the wedding. Four whole days with Sarah! And what did I buy myself for my birthday? A plane ticket for Glo to come home so that she could go on walks with me and take naps with me and just be my all-around friend. And what am I doing to get to know women in the ward? Setting up lunch dates with just about anyone who will go with me. And how do I feel about those women now? I LOVE them. :-)
On the flip side, when someone doesn't want to spend time with me, it speaks volumes to me about how much they don't love me....or at least that's how my psyche interprets it. My mother is the perfect example. I haven't seen her five years. Yep, little interpretation needed. In Pennsylvania, John and I were rarely invited to anything (parties, dinners), and as a consequence, we see PA as one of the most difficult places we've lived. And for me personally, John's family who lives close but doesn't have anything to do with us, even when we reach out with generosity?
And when nobody is around here at home, I crave the idea of Rebecca and Baby being here with me. I do different things around town, or I see different events advertised, and I wish with all of my heart that they were here to do them with me. In fact, I don't usually put any stock in birthday candle wishes, but this year I sent fervent wishes into the universe that Ethan would find a job nearby and I could spend time with Rebecca and Baby. And I'm counting down the days until Glo is home again. I can hardly wait to have her around!
Even the most simple kind of quality time fills my love tank. I get phone calls each and every day from all of the kids and from Baby, and just those ten or twenty minutes makes me feel so happy.
I guess for that reason I am thankful (once again) for moving to Michigan. I haven't even scratched the teeniest, tiniest tip of the littlest iceberg in regards to things to do around here, but several nights a week, John and I head out to do something new and exciting. It makes us feel closer to each other, and I for one feel loved.
What is your love language, and are you taking advantage of all the goodness it has to give you?
So it came down to the remaining two languages--quality time, and acts of service--but when I think of acts of service, it feels like the action arm of words of affirmation, and I don't like that idea. So it comes down to quality time. And looking back on those Christmas gifts? Yep, it's me!
When I was living in Pennsylvania, I felt like quality time came in the form of big family vacations, or really any type of vacation. However, since I have moved to Michigan, I have discovered that it doesn't take much effort to give me the feeling of love through time.
This week is a perfect example. It's spring break for the University of Michigan, but Mark didn't remember that, nor did he plan anything, nor are he and Allison doing much of anything special for it. So Mark has been coming over in the mornings to do yoga with me and to exercise. For the first three days of the week, it was spring-like weather outside, so I was more than happy to go running on the Dexter path over the river and through the woods (but not to Grandmother's house....). Today however, Mother Nature reminded us that it isn't actually Spring yet, so I thought it would be fun to try out the Dexter Wellness Center. John signed me up a couple of weeks ago, but with the nice weather, I haven't been yet. We have a couple of guest passes, so I took Mark in. We were doing our cardio (him on the treadmill, me on the indoor path) when I passed by the basketball courts which also double as pickle ball (or whiffle ball) courts. We went in and spent a good 30 minutes playing pickle ball.
It was SO MUCH FUN! And to be honest, I totally held my own against Mark despite the fact that he's half my age. I guess those pickle ball lessons in tenth grade gym class came in handy! ;-). Plus, as Mark said when we were walking in, I AM pretty good at racquet sports in general :-). If my body would have allowed it, and if we'd had more time, I would've kept playing for hours. We weren't on any screens (obviously), and Mark made it fun. In fact, I seemed much more out-of-breath than he was, so I told him that anytime he missed a shot, he had to run a court lap....which he did because he's such an obedient boy (which he pointed out to me).I honestly can't think of anything that makes me happier than spending time with people. Just thinking back over my recent life, I cried tears of joy when Sarah told me she was coming for the wedding. Four whole days with Sarah! And what did I buy myself for my birthday? A plane ticket for Glo to come home so that she could go on walks with me and take naps with me and just be my all-around friend. And what am I doing to get to know women in the ward? Setting up lunch dates with just about anyone who will go with me. And how do I feel about those women now? I LOVE them. :-)
On the flip side, when someone doesn't want to spend time with me, it speaks volumes to me about how much they don't love me....or at least that's how my psyche interprets it. My mother is the perfect example. I haven't seen her five years. Yep, little interpretation needed. In Pennsylvania, John and I were rarely invited to anything (parties, dinners), and as a consequence, we see PA as one of the most difficult places we've lived. And for me personally, John's family who lives close but doesn't have anything to do with us, even when we reach out with generosity?
And when nobody is around here at home, I crave the idea of Rebecca and Baby being here with me. I do different things around town, or I see different events advertised, and I wish with all of my heart that they were here to do them with me. In fact, I don't usually put any stock in birthday candle wishes, but this year I sent fervent wishes into the universe that Ethan would find a job nearby and I could spend time with Rebecca and Baby. And I'm counting down the days until Glo is home again. I can hardly wait to have her around!
Even the most simple kind of quality time fills my love tank. I get phone calls each and every day from all of the kids and from Baby, and just those ten or twenty minutes makes me feel so happy.
I guess for that reason I am thankful (once again) for moving to Michigan. I haven't even scratched the teeniest, tiniest tip of the littlest iceberg in regards to things to do around here, but several nights a week, John and I head out to do something new and exciting. It makes us feel closer to each other, and I for one feel loved.
What is your love language, and are you taking advantage of all the goodness it has to give you?
I'm definitely acts of service, but quality time is up there as well. Honestly, it's a tricky thing because we often give love the way we'd most like to receive it. So I'll serve the people I love all day long but if they'd prefer to spend time together or receive a gift it doesn't *feel* like love to them. I've found that I have to be a little more upfront sometimes and say, "Hey, it would really mean a lot to me if you could do x, y, or z for me." I'm so glad you're getting so much quality time with your family in Michigan; you totally deserve it!
ReplyDeleteI agree, Sarah! Only recently have I realized that they way I show love may not mean much to anyone else. This past Christmas, John and I broke the bank being a secret Santa to someone close to us. Bags of thoughtful goodies, loads of cash, and trips out to their house to drop off everything. When they finally found out it was us, not one single words of thanks. I was stunned. However, when I looked at how they interacted with us, love for them means inviting us over to their house with a bunch of other people for either food or games--a large social event...and probably the LAST thing I would ever want to do. Neither way is better or worse--just different.
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