Today is one month from the due date of our second child. Yup, just four weeks away, give or take, we will have another little person in our family. Maybe it’s the pregnancy hormones, but I’m not quite sure how I feel about this.
On the one hand, I am so excited to have a baby again. Is there anything as sweet as an infant sleeping peacefully in your arms? Too, carrying a baby for 9 months, delivering said baby, and then sustaining that life, all with my own body, makes me feel strong, beautiful, and fulfilled. I loved seeing all the things Annie learned as she grew older. I distinctly remember thinking when Annie was about three months old that it was just the best age. She could smile, laugh, and wasn’t as fragile as a newborn. Since then, I think she just gets better with age. Not to mention, babies never act like prepubescent teenagers trapped in a toddler’s body…
On the other hand, our family is just so happy and finally into a nice routine, why would we want to mess that up?? Is it just me, or does it take 18 months to 2 years to finally get things figured out?? Just me, okay, that’s fine ;) Annie is the best kid. I’ve been around quite a few kids, and I know each child is different. I have this memory of going to the Baltimore aquarium with about five of my nieces and nephews about seven or so years ago. One of my nephews, probably around two at the time, was one of the kids with us. This nephew’s mom is a really great mom. All of her kids are really well behaved. At the aquarium though, she had a leash for him. Now I’m not here to debate whether or not we should leash our children, that’s not the point of my story. My point is, he kind of did need that leash. Or a lot of extra attention at the very least. The Baltimore aquarium is HUGE, and if given the chance, he would run away from the group. Annie does not need a leash. She doesn’t leave my eyesight. She’s curious and adventurous, but needs her safety net. Too, I hear from other moms what their children do when they are not looking, kids Annie’s same age, and she’s not doing any of it. She doesn’t play in the fridge. She doesn’t drop things in the toilet (on purpose at least ;)) She’s only colored on the wall once. My point, Annie is a sure thing.
I think in concrete, logical ways. Theories and literary analysis are completely lost on me. Numbers, that’s a language I can understand! In true numbers fashion, the best way I can think of exemplifying my conundrum is through statistics! Statistics are all about variables and how they interact and influence one another. There are two main types of variables in statistics, independent (X) and dependent (Y). Independent variables are the variables that change, whereas dependent variables are the variables that are being measured or tested. So, if we were doing an experiment on how height affects NBA players’ points scored, the independent variable is the height, and the dependent variable is the points scored. In my job, as a mom, I am the independent variable (X) and Annie is the dependent variable (Y). Annie’s behavior, happiness, intellectual progression, etc. are all dependent on how I am as a mother. Do I give her enough attention? Too much attention? Do I create teaching moments? Do I stimulate creative environments? It takes time to decipher the best combination of all these factors to produce the optimal result. Annie and I are starting to figure this out, and it’s a great thing!
If only independent and dependent variables were the only variables that existed! Life would be so easily explained. But of course, life isn’t that simple. Another type of variable we often encounter are confounding variables (Z). A confounding variable is a variable that you didn’t account for. It influences both the independent and dependent variables in what is called a spurious association (not necessarily positive or negative). Baby Kennedy #2 is the confounding variable. I know that she will influence, i.e. change, the relationship that Annie and I have with each other, but I’m not sure how. Which is why I feel uneasy about the newest member of our family. I have a predictable, known relationship, and everything is about to be turned upside down.
I guess the biggest thing that gives me comfort or hope in my feelings of anxiety is the love I feel for Annie. Basically as soon as she joined our family, Ethan and I both felt like we couldn’t imagine our lives without her. We instantly loved her so much. I know it will be the same with this baby. It really doesn’t matter what our doubts are in the weeks leading up to her arrival. When she does join our family, it’ll be right and we’ll laugh at the fact that we ever worried about it.
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