Wedding, 2018: Marrying a Convert

Marrying a convert.  That sounds so judgmental and discriminatory, and I don't want it to sound that way.  However, marrying someone who has recently joined the church versus someone who has been raised in the church has a unique set of obstacles.

I think the hardest part for me has been that all along the way, everything has felt so sad.  When Allison was baptized back in November 2016, her parents didn't attend her baptism.  Not many people were invited to the baptism itself, and there just wasn't a celebratory feeling like there should be.

Then, as the relationship between Allison and Mark progressed, there was always this elephant in the room of "what will happen when they get married?"  

And when they were engaged, Mark and Allison began fielding questions from Allison's parents about where and how they would be married.  Mark had always held firm to the fact that he would be married in the temple (long before he met Allison or was even of marrying age), and he wasn't going to back down (nor should he).  And yet, more sadness and stress crept into everything.  As much as Mark tried to explain everything to Allison's mom, Theresa, nothing can really compensate or take away the sting of not seeing your oldest (and first) daughter getting married.

And yet, Allison provided us all with so much hope.  I think we all wonder that if we hadn't been raised in the church and we met with the missionaries, would we accept the Gospel?  Would we have the courage to lay aside the dreams of our parents and go our own way as far as religion is concerned?  Allison has had so much courage--from first agreeing to go to church with Mark, to getting baptized, to accepting callings and speaking in church, to taking out her own endowments (and agreeing to wear garments for the rest of her life), to getting sealed in the temple.  We like to think of Allison as being physically strong, but none of us can deny that she has an emotional strength that almost seems superhuman.

I think some of my feelings about the sealing stem from my own fear of sharing the Gospel with other people.  I love to live the Gospel in my own life and family, but I NEVER want to impose it on anyone else.  Please, drink your coffee, and feel free to swear, and do what you will before you get married or on the Sabbath.  I won't do it, but I'm not going to impose my beliefs on you.  Knowing that our beliefs would be heavily imposed on the Bosses made me feel incredibly uncomfortable.

I was originally hoping that we could just keep the sealing kind of on the down-low, almost like an elopement.  Just make it happen without the pain of the Bosses really knowing that it happened.  But it became a rather big deal, and to deal with the pain of it all, Theresa refused to let Allison wear the wedding dress to the sealing that she had bought for the reception.  And from that, I feel like the divide just got worse.

Theresa had the most grandiose plans for the ring ceremony and the reception (more about that later), but I had little interest in any of it.  I imagine that came off as "I don't want anything to do with what you are doing," but really it came down to "I don't like big parties, and I'm not any good at decorating and planning big events, and I have anxiety when I'm around a lot of strangers."  What she was planning was so out of my comfort zone that I liken it to asking me to play French horn.  Yes, I'm a mother, and yes, I'm a musician, but both of those things are impossible for me to do.  And on the flip side, there was almost nothing to plan for the temple and the lunch afterwards, so it probably appeared that I wasn't asking her for help when in reality there wasn't anything to do that required any help.

So on the actual wedding day, I wanted the sealing to be something so joyous and beautiful, and yet again, it felt like we had to keep our feelings subdued so that the Bosses didn't feel badly.  And seeing them arrive with Allison, and knowing that they couldn't come in, I just wanted to call it all off.  I couldn't even go up and talk to them, because I just wanted to cry for them.  And no amount of explaining can really make up for the sadness that I'm sure they were feeling.  And Mr. Boss had a point when he asked John if we profess to be Christians, why won't we let the Bosses in to see their daughter get married?  What a painful topic and question just minutes before we walked in.  However, I could see that Mark was letting none of this get to him--he had been waiting for this day for a long time, and I don't think there was anyway to dampen his feelings or wipe the smile off of his face.

Nor on Allison's.  And seeing the photos from the two of them at the temple, well, judge for yourself how they were feeling...

So we walked in.  

There is a small loveseat at one end of the altar where the couple sit with two chairs on either side for the parents of the couple.  Since John was one of the witnesses, he and Ethan were seated on either side of President Doot, the sealer.  So, it was just me, sitting alone next to where Mark would be sitting.  Talk about an arrow to the heart.  I'm not sure I've ever felt so alone.

But in one of the sweetest moments of my life (seriously, I will always remember this), Sarah, my dearest friend, recognized what I was feeling, and popped up from her seat to come sit by me.  And in what I believe to be divine inspiration, Rebecca and Beth got up together and sat on the other side, next to where Allison would be.  It was a moment taken from the hymn "As Sisters in Zion" with the verse: "The errand of angels is given to women; and this is a gift that, as sisters, we claim: to do whatsoever is gentle and human, to cheer and to bless in humanity's name."  I've never felt the power of sisterhood as strongly as I did in that moment, and it was a tender mercy for me.  Because Allison had never been in a sealing, I'm not sure she could really appreciate the coven of women who were surrounding her and Mark, but I know the significance of that moment was not lost on any guest who knows Allison well.  It was so beautiful.

The sad part though?  There were four empty chairs next to the sealer's chair, and all I could think about was that they were the chairs where the Bosses should be sitting.  Four chairs for a mom, a dad and two sisters.  I wish that they had been willing to listen to the message of the gospel before all of this and could have been sitting there too.  And in that moment, I recognized once again the importance of missionary work:  I don't want any empty seats in heaven.

President Doot did a wonderful job, reminding us all that everything in the temple is about the Savior and comes back to the Savior.  He also spoke about the sealing being like a welding link between the couple and Heavenly Father--how we are all welded together as families because of the covenants we make in the temple.

Finally, the couple knelt at the altar, and in that moment, I could feel something significant.  It felt to me like the beginning of permanence.  That what was happening at that altar couldn't be taken back or changed.  That Mark and Allison would be eternally bound.  It reminded me again of what John has said:  if it was a movie, we would see the powers of heaven come down in a golden beam, sealing the two people together as one.

And in that moment, something happened that the Bosses won't understand unless they join the church themselves.  Everything that happens at that altar, in that moment, will supersede everything else in life.  It's the crowing victory over evil and sin and unrighteousness.  It's the moment that every Primary child hopes for.  It's what our Father in Heaven wants the most for us.  It's being sealed as a couple for eternity.  It's joy!  We all felt it.  We all know it.  There's nothing better.

John and I couldn't feel happier about Mark and Allison together.  We know that they are meant to be together (I mean, who else meows when they see each other?), and for us, Allison's baptism day was one of the happiest days of our lives.  But it's not easy merging two families who have very different beliefs and foci.  Thank goodness Mark and Allison are ready to begin this journey together.  They are determined to write their own book and to pave their own way, and judging by this first step, nothing is going to stop them.