Last week in Johannah's weekly email home, she spoke to my worries about our house not selling. I told her that we are months away from either foreclosure or bankruptcy, and she had one thing to say: It'll be okay, Mommy. God always has a plan.
Several months ago, I would have found Hannie's response trite and unfeeling. However, these past couple of months have torn me down to my core, and I have done everything in my power to bring myself closer to Him so that I can better understand exactly why I am required to suffer.
Everyday, I go walking five to eight miles, depending on how I'm feeling and how much time I have. I mentally accepted President Monson's challenge to read the Book of Mormon back in the spring, so half of my walk is spent listening to several chapters in the Book of Mormon. Then, I give myself a few minutes to think about what I heard--what thought came to my mind, or what words struck me--and I instantly find a General Conference talk on that subject to listen to also. And then I find another one. Needless to say, by the end of my walk, my scripture study for the day is done!
The other day, I was listening to the words of Amulek as he was teaching the Zoramites about justice and mercy. I've done quite a bit of pondering about mercy lately, seeing as I have begged God for it on a daily basis. And when I say begged, I mean on my knees, tears streaming down my face, having a conversation with him as if he were kneeling next to me. And one of my very favorite conference talks of all time is by Boyd K. Packer on justice and mercy. The church made a video about it before it was really a thing to make videos (in fact, they released it on video tape), and that video was instrumental in helping me understand the Atonement when I wasn't really sure why I should need the Atonement at all. So, I decided to listen to the actual talk after my scripture study that day.
I soon realized that I have never actually listened to the entire talk besides hearing it in General Conference almost 40 years ago. As the talk began, Elder Packer prefaces the body of the talk by saying that he would rather we be sitting one-on-one so that he could look in our faces, for if he would see any sign of disinterest, he would quickly steer his comments away. That alone made me listen with more intent as I walked.
Then, in a moment when I would never have believed that I was hearing what I was hearing, he asks us if any of us have felt the desperation of having a house foreclosed on by the bank. Have we felt the desperation of looking around and wondering if anyone can or will help us?
John and I have felt alone in this part of our journey here on earth. There is no one to help relieve us of the burden of a mortgage we can't pay. We have looked around in desperation, hoping that someone will help us settle that account. We hear similar stories of people who survived. Who sold their home. Who received a miracle. We wonder if we are worthy of that same thing happening. However, the time for a miracle is almost past.
I wonder, what is God's plan in all of this? Are we, like Job, being tested to see if we will remain faithful when it appears we will lose everything?
I don't know the answer to that, but there will be an ending in less than three months. We will either sell our house for a loss to a buyer who hasn't appeared yet, or we will be financially ruined.
So why do Hannah's words bring me comfort when the outcome seems so dire?
It's interesting to think about Johannah's experience of breaking her ankle. I can't speak for her, but I do believe she was very angry when it happened. She was angry that she had to leave her mission, that she had to come home, and in a small way, angry that she had to go back to something so difficult. She has looked for a purpose in all of it. Some deeper meaning to why God didn't protect her.
This past week, I received a couple of sentences on Facebook from Hannah's mission president's wife about a meeting this past week in Ecuador. As it turns out, Hannie was asked to present a musical number in a meeting with a member of the General Young Women's presidency, and a member of the seventy. To quote Sister Murphy:
I was standing in line to board an airplane, and tears just filled my eyes as I read that.
Missionary rules clearly state that no missionary is allowed to bring a musical instrument on their mission. Johannah stuck to that rule (despite all of us knowing what a difference music can make in so many church situations). When Hannah came home, Sister Murphy had asked that when she returned if she would bring her viola with her. President Murphy was hesitant to agree to this (seeing as it's against church mission rules), but Sister Murphy was adamant, and she and Hannah both promised that her viola wouldn't become a distraction but would instead be used for special musical numbers and Christmas firesides only. We didn't want to send her with her professional grade instrument, so we found a gently used viola the day before she left to go back in Dexter for $400. It didn't have much sound, but we knew if it was stolen, we wouldn't be upset.
Needless to say, Hannah was nervous to perform in front of general authorities without having practiced for almost a year on an instrument that she doesn't know at all. And yet, from what I can tell, her number set the tone for the entire meeting. And who knows what message touched the heart of some missionary sitting there.
It appears to me that God had a plan in sending Hannah home. In fact, there were probably several reasons for it, but a simple, pure reason is that she needed to come back home so that she could head back to Ecuador with a viola so that she affect a change in someone. Who would have thought?
When we go through trials and when we suffer, we, like Indiana Jones, must continue to take a step forward into the darkness, having faith that God has a plan. When the trial is long and when it seems we will lose everything--that is the hardest. However, that's the test, isn't it? If the trial was easy, we wouldn't learn.
Yes, God always has a plan.
Several months ago, I would have found Hannie's response trite and unfeeling. However, these past couple of months have torn me down to my core, and I have done everything in my power to bring myself closer to Him so that I can better understand exactly why I am required to suffer.
Everyday, I go walking five to eight miles, depending on how I'm feeling and how much time I have. I mentally accepted President Monson's challenge to read the Book of Mormon back in the spring, so half of my walk is spent listening to several chapters in the Book of Mormon. Then, I give myself a few minutes to think about what I heard--what thought came to my mind, or what words struck me--and I instantly find a General Conference talk on that subject to listen to also. And then I find another one. Needless to say, by the end of my walk, my scripture study for the day is done!
The other day, I was listening to the words of Amulek as he was teaching the Zoramites about justice and mercy. I've done quite a bit of pondering about mercy lately, seeing as I have begged God for it on a daily basis. And when I say begged, I mean on my knees, tears streaming down my face, having a conversation with him as if he were kneeling next to me. And one of my very favorite conference talks of all time is by Boyd K. Packer on justice and mercy. The church made a video about it before it was really a thing to make videos (in fact, they released it on video tape), and that video was instrumental in helping me understand the Atonement when I wasn't really sure why I should need the Atonement at all. So, I decided to listen to the actual talk after my scripture study that day.
I soon realized that I have never actually listened to the entire talk besides hearing it in General Conference almost 40 years ago. As the talk began, Elder Packer prefaces the body of the talk by saying that he would rather we be sitting one-on-one so that he could look in our faces, for if he would see any sign of disinterest, he would quickly steer his comments away. That alone made me listen with more intent as I walked.
Then, in a moment when I would never have believed that I was hearing what I was hearing, he asks us if any of us have felt the desperation of having a house foreclosed on by the bank. Have we felt the desperation of looking around and wondering if anyone can or will help us?
John and I have felt alone in this part of our journey here on earth. There is no one to help relieve us of the burden of a mortgage we can't pay. We have looked around in desperation, hoping that someone will help us settle that account. We hear similar stories of people who survived. Who sold their home. Who received a miracle. We wonder if we are worthy of that same thing happening. However, the time for a miracle is almost past.
I wonder, what is God's plan in all of this? Are we, like Job, being tested to see if we will remain faithful when it appears we will lose everything?
I don't know the answer to that, but there will be an ending in less than three months. We will either sell our house for a loss to a buyer who hasn't appeared yet, or we will be financially ruined.
So why do Hannah's words bring me comfort when the outcome seems so dire?
It's interesting to think about Johannah's experience of breaking her ankle. I can't speak for her, but I do believe she was very angry when it happened. She was angry that she had to leave her mission, that she had to come home, and in a small way, angry that she had to go back to something so difficult. She has looked for a purpose in all of it. Some deeper meaning to why God didn't protect her.
This past week, I received a couple of sentences on Facebook from Hannah's mission president's wife about a meeting this past week in Ecuador. As it turns out, Hannie was asked to present a musical number in a meeting with a member of the General Young Women's presidency, and a member of the seventy. To quote Sister Murphy:
"Hermana Kennedy did such a beautiful job on her viola number. Lots of tears and the spirit filled the room. Sister McConkie and Elder Fallabella changed their talks to really speak on the restoration since that is what Hermana Kennedy's medley was about. We are SO grateful to have her back."
I was standing in line to board an airplane, and tears just filled my eyes as I read that.
Missionary rules clearly state that no missionary is allowed to bring a musical instrument on their mission. Johannah stuck to that rule (despite all of us knowing what a difference music can make in so many church situations). When Hannah came home, Sister Murphy had asked that when she returned if she would bring her viola with her. President Murphy was hesitant to agree to this (seeing as it's against church mission rules), but Sister Murphy was adamant, and she and Hannah both promised that her viola wouldn't become a distraction but would instead be used for special musical numbers and Christmas firesides only. We didn't want to send her with her professional grade instrument, so we found a gently used viola the day before she left to go back in Dexter for $400. It didn't have much sound, but we knew if it was stolen, we wouldn't be upset.
Needless to say, Hannah was nervous to perform in front of general authorities without having practiced for almost a year on an instrument that she doesn't know at all. And yet, from what I can tell, her number set the tone for the entire meeting. And who knows what message touched the heart of some missionary sitting there.
It appears to me that God had a plan in sending Hannah home. In fact, there were probably several reasons for it, but a simple, pure reason is that she needed to come back home so that she could head back to Ecuador with a viola so that she affect a change in someone. Who would have thought?
When we go through trials and when we suffer, we, like Indiana Jones, must continue to take a step forward into the darkness, having faith that God has a plan. When the trial is long and when it seems we will lose everything--that is the hardest. However, that's the test, isn't it? If the trial was easy, we wouldn't learn.
Yes, God always has a plan.
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