A couple of years ago, I read "David and Goliath", a book by Malcolm Gladwell. In it, the author discussed wealthy individuals who grew up with nothing but through hard work, became multi-millionaires. One of the main concerns of these rich men was how to raise their own children with the same desperation and desire to make something of themselves when they already have everything. Would their kids grow up with the same appreciation of the mighty dollar as they had?
When I say that I am thankful for my family, I feel the same kind of appreciation of and desperation for a family as those wealthy men did for money when they were young. My entire life has been spent feeling very alone; feeling as if I need to figure everything out myself because there's no one to help me. And when I think about "families", those people who have a network of support and love and instant friends, I knew (and still know) that that is my ultimate goal.
I do a lot of genealogical research on my family so that I can take those family names to the temple. And why am I driven to do it? Because I have this vision in my mind of being surrounded in love by all those individuals when I die and pass through the veil. I imagine that once I get past the dysfunction of my immediate extended family, there will be people who will love me and want me to be part of their lives. Isn't that such a lovely thought?
I've written about it before, but people ask me how I have such a great family (and especially such great relationships with my kids). I have no answer for any of those people except "desperation". My insatiable desire for that kind of happiness led me to sacrifice everything so that I could have it. In some kind of miracle, it worked.
However, over the past year, I've come to appreciate that I may be one beautiful step closer to my goal (and I haven't died yet!) I always hoped that when my kids got married, their spouses would be absorbed into our family's way of being, and yet I planned on the typical rift a marriage can bring. After all, when John and I got married, we did everything we could to get away from our parents so that we could create our own tribe, and I couldn't imagine it would be any different when Ethan got married. However, in an unexpected turn of events, the loveliest thing happened.
Our family grew.
There has been no rift. No separation from Ethan. But Rebecca, a woman who was raised by a different family with different parents and in a different way, has become one of ours.
I won't lie. In the beginning, I didn't know what to do, or how to act around Rebecca. She didn't know our inside jokes. She wasn't part of our traditions. And I hadn't ever seen how an "in-law" can successfully move into a family. And in my desire to keep our family tight-knit, that was a major threat to all the hard work and dedication I had given to having the family I had always wanted. I assumed she would want to come in and drag Ethan away from us. That in some Golem-like way, she would possess him.
And yet over time, to my surprise, the exact opposite has happened.
She has wanted to be a part of us.
That may seem so natural to so many. It may seem like an "of course she did" response. But in my mind, with a very small contingent of people in my extended family who have wanted absolutely nothing to do with me...who have abandoned me and shunned me...who have abused me...this is a life-changing idea to me.
It is a blessing.
When Hannie came home off her mission, I felt the weight of the world. I wasn't sure how I could be the Atlas-sized shoulders for the sadness and disappointment Johannah felt. I didn't know if I could be her sunshine in the morning and her blanket of comfort at night. But then I saw this:
When I say that I am thankful for my family, I feel the same kind of appreciation of and desperation for a family as those wealthy men did for money when they were young. My entire life has been spent feeling very alone; feeling as if I need to figure everything out myself because there's no one to help me. And when I think about "families", those people who have a network of support and love and instant friends, I knew (and still know) that that is my ultimate goal.
I do a lot of genealogical research on my family so that I can take those family names to the temple. And why am I driven to do it? Because I have this vision in my mind of being surrounded in love by all those individuals when I die and pass through the veil. I imagine that once I get past the dysfunction of my immediate extended family, there will be people who will love me and want me to be part of their lives. Isn't that such a lovely thought?
I've written about it before, but people ask me how I have such a great family (and especially such great relationships with my kids). I have no answer for any of those people except "desperation". My insatiable desire for that kind of happiness led me to sacrifice everything so that I could have it. In some kind of miracle, it worked.
However, over the past year, I've come to appreciate that I may be one beautiful step closer to my goal (and I haven't died yet!) I always hoped that when my kids got married, their spouses would be absorbed into our family's way of being, and yet I planned on the typical rift a marriage can bring. After all, when John and I got married, we did everything we could to get away from our parents so that we could create our own tribe, and I couldn't imagine it would be any different when Ethan got married. However, in an unexpected turn of events, the loveliest thing happened.
Our family grew.
There has been no rift. No separation from Ethan. But Rebecca, a woman who was raised by a different family with different parents and in a different way, has become one of ours.
I won't lie. In the beginning, I didn't know what to do, or how to act around Rebecca. She didn't know our inside jokes. She wasn't part of our traditions. And I hadn't ever seen how an "in-law" can successfully move into a family. And in my desire to keep our family tight-knit, that was a major threat to all the hard work and dedication I had given to having the family I had always wanted. I assumed she would want to come in and drag Ethan away from us. That in some Golem-like way, she would possess him.
And yet over time, to my surprise, the exact opposite has happened.
She has wanted to be a part of us.
That may seem so natural to so many. It may seem like an "of course she did" response. But in my mind, with a very small contingent of people in my extended family who have wanted absolutely nothing to do with me...who have abandoned me and shunned me...who have abused me...this is a life-changing idea to me.
It is a blessing.
When Hannie came home off her mission, I felt the weight of the world. I wasn't sure how I could be the Atlas-sized shoulders for the sadness and disappointment Johannah felt. I didn't know if I could be her sunshine in the morning and her blanket of comfort at night. But then I saw this:
I saw that there was someone else who could love my girl as much as I do and who could shoulder some of the worry and burden of Hannah coming home unexpectedly. I realized that I'm not alone anymore in being the emotional support for my kids. There is a familial relationship between these two now that I would never have expected or even thought possible.
The kids like to talk about the "mommy magnet" and me being the glue that holds our family together. But I'm seeing now that there are other kinds of adhesive in play. There's Baby who brings us all closer through her love of somersaults, macaroni and cheese, and sign language. There's the duct tape between the kids who go off and celebrate their own fun times together at Comic Con. There's Ethan and Rebecca being the Lincoln Logs for Glo and Hannah out in Utah.
But really, Rebecca has been a revelation to me. With no other examples in my life of how a family should work, she is teaching me that there are people I can trust who aren't related by blood, but who are related by love.
I'm thankful that I don't have to try so hard anymore to have the family I want. I don't need to feel so desperate now. My kids know what is best, and I trust them to take the wheel.
Such a lovely tribute to the love that can be shared in families! Also, I'm currently rereading "David and Goliath" and I think we need to start a transatlantic book club :)
ReplyDelete