Relief is an interesting feeling. The dictionary defines relief as "the removal or lightening of something oppressive, painful, or distressing".
Let's talk "oppressive, painful, or distressing". As much as I try and compartmentalize the stress I feel from our home not selling, I believe those compartments are overflowing much like Glo's t-shirt drawer after a couple of years. As much as we try and stuff just one more t-shirt in, it's full to capacity, and it takes a purge to return it to normal function. The stress is oppressive, and there have been too many times in the past few weeks that John and I release our feelings of stress on each other. We don't mean to, but in all honesty, the pressure builds until it can't go anywhere else...except on each other.
In order to save tens of thousands of dollars, and in preparation for renting our home (if it doesn't sell), we've decided to move ourself. This means Glo and I are stuck in a perpetual cycle of getting up in the morning, having seminary, eating together, and then packing for the rest of the day. Sometimes even seminary doesn't get its due measure because we get so busy. As a consequence, I have had horrible pain in my lower back again, and the sciatica has returned (complete numbness in my left leg). I knew I was in trouble when I started repeatedly tripping. Okay, it might have started when I tried running again a couple of months ago, but packing has exacerbated the symptoms to the point of (almost) no return. I went in to the office of my back surgeon again, and I was sent for an MRI.
Low and behold, I have herniated the disc in my lower back again, or at least I've herniated what's left of it. The MRI actually tells all:
Ahh, such a lovely picture of my spine, eh? So, you don't need to look closely to see the disc sticking out from my spine. And see those nice healthy discs on the top spine? All white with black strips in the middle? Now follow them down, and you'll see the really unhealthy discs I have. In fact, the lowest disc is so completely gone that the two vertebrae have begun to fuse together. And if you look at the vertebrae around the herniated disc, you'll see that the bone is white. That's because it's inflamed because it's absorbing all the shock that the disc can't absorb. Yep, it's pretty bad.
Now onto the sciatica. Check out this next scan:
This is looking up my spine (with the white thing in the middle being the cross section and the pelvis being the two black triangles underneath the spine). Notice the nice healthy space for nerves on the left side? Now look to the right and see how everything is completely closed off. That's where my sciatic nerve runs. It's no wonder that I have complete numbness in that part of my body.
So what to do? Well, the best solution would be to rest on my back for the next several months. The inflammation would go down, and the disc might actually be reabsorbed into the spinal column.
Yeah right....
I can work through pain though. If it were just a matter of not being in pain, I would keep exercising and doing anything I could do ten years ago. However, it's a matter of trying to save what is left of my sciatic nerve. I already have damage from years of running.
A blessing that I've had throughout most of my life is the guidance of the Holy Ghost. It's never been hard to know if something is a good thing to do or not, because there is a definite burning in the bosom or a stupor of thought. Based on that, John and I have made a lot of decisions over the past two years. A new job. Selling the house. Buying a new one. Moving to a new area and new ward and stake.
However, with nothing going our way (our house not selling, insecurities about the used home we are buying, and questions about John's new job), it makes us question our feelings of the Spirit. Were we not really feeling them? Did our emotions get mixed in with how we were feeling? Do we trust the feelings of others in regard to what we are doing?
And as if the bag of insecurity wasn't heavy enough, we are both feeling really bad about the house that we built and that we have loved for the last eleven years. We get feedback every time a person walks through, be it realtors, painters, friends, or buyers. We're told that it doesn't have a "wow" factor. Well, maybe we shouldn't have gotten rid of all of our furniture...which we were told to do by our realtor. We're told to change the sink in our back hall to a small, cute vanity. Right, because that will work really well cleaning off greasy hands and muddy boots. We need to change the paint colors. We need to replace the carpets. We need a "pop" of color...which is why we have color on our walls...but now we need to change that to something neutral. The list goes on and on. And other houses in our price range that are selling have what? Pools, you say? Didn't I say that we should have installed a pool over finishing our basement years ago? Yep, none of this stress is particularly good for either John or me.
And his practice certainly isn't making it easy for him to leave. In fact, it's going to cost us almost $100,000 to get out of the practice. Just what we need when we are walking into two large mortgages.
Just this morning, I knelt in prayer, bawling my eyes out. Nobody understands our situation, nor can give us any advice that seems to work. We are at our breaking points. Something has to give.
We feel nothing but oppressive and completely daunting stress in our lives. In fact, when I think about our lives before we decided to do all of this, I am jealous of that life. I have seriously considered how nice it would be to just move our stuff back into our house, hang up our pictures, and call it a day. John and I would be extremely bored back in that life, but maybe boredom wouldn't be so bad.
Let's talk "oppressive, painful, or distressing". As much as I try and compartmentalize the stress I feel from our home not selling, I believe those compartments are overflowing much like Glo's t-shirt drawer after a couple of years. As much as we try and stuff just one more t-shirt in, it's full to capacity, and it takes a purge to return it to normal function. The stress is oppressive, and there have been too many times in the past few weeks that John and I release our feelings of stress on each other. We don't mean to, but in all honesty, the pressure builds until it can't go anywhere else...except on each other.
In order to save tens of thousands of dollars, and in preparation for renting our home (if it doesn't sell), we've decided to move ourself. This means Glo and I are stuck in a perpetual cycle of getting up in the morning, having seminary, eating together, and then packing for the rest of the day. Sometimes even seminary doesn't get its due measure because we get so busy. As a consequence, I have had horrible pain in my lower back again, and the sciatica has returned (complete numbness in my left leg). I knew I was in trouble when I started repeatedly tripping. Okay, it might have started when I tried running again a couple of months ago, but packing has exacerbated the symptoms to the point of (almost) no return. I went in to the office of my back surgeon again, and I was sent for an MRI.
Low and behold, I have herniated the disc in my lower back again, or at least I've herniated what's left of it. The MRI actually tells all:
Now onto the sciatica. Check out this next scan:
This is looking up my spine (with the white thing in the middle being the cross section and the pelvis being the two black triangles underneath the spine). Notice the nice healthy space for nerves on the left side? Now look to the right and see how everything is completely closed off. That's where my sciatic nerve runs. It's no wonder that I have complete numbness in that part of my body.
So what to do? Well, the best solution would be to rest on my back for the next several months. The inflammation would go down, and the disc might actually be reabsorbed into the spinal column.
Yeah right....
I can work through pain though. If it were just a matter of not being in pain, I would keep exercising and doing anything I could do ten years ago. However, it's a matter of trying to save what is left of my sciatic nerve. I already have damage from years of running.
A blessing that I've had throughout most of my life is the guidance of the Holy Ghost. It's never been hard to know if something is a good thing to do or not, because there is a definite burning in the bosom or a stupor of thought. Based on that, John and I have made a lot of decisions over the past two years. A new job. Selling the house. Buying a new one. Moving to a new area and new ward and stake.
However, with nothing going our way (our house not selling, insecurities about the used home we are buying, and questions about John's new job), it makes us question our feelings of the Spirit. Were we not really feeling them? Did our emotions get mixed in with how we were feeling? Do we trust the feelings of others in regard to what we are doing?
And as if the bag of insecurity wasn't heavy enough, we are both feeling really bad about the house that we built and that we have loved for the last eleven years. We get feedback every time a person walks through, be it realtors, painters, friends, or buyers. We're told that it doesn't have a "wow" factor. Well, maybe we shouldn't have gotten rid of all of our furniture...which we were told to do by our realtor. We're told to change the sink in our back hall to a small, cute vanity. Right, because that will work really well cleaning off greasy hands and muddy boots. We need to change the paint colors. We need to replace the carpets. We need a "pop" of color...which is why we have color on our walls...but now we need to change that to something neutral. The list goes on and on. And other houses in our price range that are selling have what? Pools, you say? Didn't I say that we should have installed a pool over finishing our basement years ago? Yep, none of this stress is particularly good for either John or me.
And his practice certainly isn't making it easy for him to leave. In fact, it's going to cost us almost $100,000 to get out of the practice. Just what we need when we are walking into two large mortgages.
Just this morning, I knelt in prayer, bawling my eyes out. Nobody understands our situation, nor can give us any advice that seems to work. We are at our breaking points. Something has to give.
We feel nothing but oppressive and completely daunting stress in our lives. In fact, when I think about our lives before we decided to do all of this, I am jealous of that life. I have seriously considered how nice it would be to just move our stuff back into our house, hang up our pictures, and call it a day. John and I would be extremely bored back in that life, but maybe boredom wouldn't be so bad.
Awwwwww..... It's ironic that after three kids with miserable prom experiences, Glo is the one who breaks through the mold and has a freaking awesome time(: Although not surprising as well. If anyone's going to make it fun, different and exciting its Glo.
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