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How to NOT Move

1.  Don't sell your house.  I repeat, do everything possible to not sell your house.  It would be way too easy to move on with your life if you didn't have a million dollar ball and chain wrapped around your financial neck.

2.  Get estimates of how much it is to move the furniture from said million dollar home.

3.  Eat lots of ice cream after receiving those estimates, because nothing is going to make $20,000+ taste any better.

4.  Watch as your husband hatches yet another crazy plan to save a couple of pesos.

5.  Remember that you lectured your own husband on remaining calm and kind throughout the moving process.  Remember that you said there would be items which would require compromise.

6.  Make a mental note to never mention the word compromise in a sentence again.

7.  Agree.

8. Don't complain.

9.  Just agree.

10.  Drive with said husband to Home Depot to pick out our "moving truck".  Try to figure out exactly how much we can move out of the house while considering how big a truck Larisa can drive alone.

11.  Pick the smallest BIG truck available.  Lose sleep that night.

12.  Pack up every book in the house, because at 0.37/pound, those just might be the priciest things for a professional mover to move.  Slip another disc in your back.

13.  Take time to smell the roses...and take photos of your very helpful felines.


14.  Disassemble the schranks which hold said books.  In other words, take off the tops and the doors...and damage some neighboring pieces in the meantime.

15.  Appreciate that your husband still finds humor in living.  And remember to throw away the poncho when he isn't looking.


16.  Contact the Elder's Quorum president behind proud husband's back and ask for help moving 50,000 pounds of books and schranks.

17.  Feel really sad about the emptiness of your home.  So many memories gone.



18.  Play a warm-up game of Tetris on your 23-year-old Nintendo DS, because you're going to need those skills to pack the truck.

19.  Convince your 17-year-old daughter that graduating early WAS a good thing when she realizes that she will need to drive behind the 16-foot Penske truck for seven whole hours...in a car that is barely holding anything together. and that drifts to the right if she doesn't have a left-leaning death grip on the steering wheel.

20.  Drive seven freaking hours to Michigan in a 16-foot Penske truck with a humpback whale in the back seat.  Remember to blink during those seven hours, because you will need your eyes when you are an octogenarian.


21.  Look in your rear view mirror every five minutes to make sure your daughter is still alive.


22.  Upon arriving in Michigan, be sure and lock the truck with a combination lock that will function just as well on the truck as it will on your high school locker.

23.  Attend one of the last concerts of your son's musical career.  Except you can't stay for the actual concert so go to the dress rehearsal.  And get really, REALLY emotional.



24.  In the morning, when heading to fill up the gas tank on your Penske friend, remember that it was only 5/8 full when you picked it up, and your sweet husband begged you to return the truck with only 5/8 of a tank of gas.  Estimate how much gas it will take to drop off furniture and drive back to town with truck.  Of course, you will be driving to Chelsea with 33,785 pounds of books and furniture, but you will then be driving the truck for 25 minutes with an empty hold.  Swear inwardly that you never passed high school Physics.

25.  Realize that you don't have the actual address of the storage facility.  Try to call husband.  When he doesn't answer, send him enough texts that he realizes that it's important for him to answer.




26.  Drive to the storage facility.  Thank the heavens again that Michiganders are such friendly people, and laugh with the counter ladies when they appreciate your nervousness about driving a freaking house down a 15 foot alley.

27.  Thank your lucky stars that you have a rich enough husband who will pay for two random guys to show up and help you unload the truck since 10 a.m. isn't exactly the prime time for any self-respecting Mormon working male to have the time off to show up and help you unload the truck.

28.  Stand in the cold and be the boss.

29.  Make jokes to the men about the fact that your husband told you to be bossy....because being bossy to perfect strangers isn't exactly in your play book.

30.  Appreciate that your second son has the same humor (and wonder) about finding old ponchos as his father does.  Make another note to pitch the poncho later.


31.  At one point, be sure and tell your own sons to do something--and refer to them as "boys" which you always do--and have all four men (two your own sons, and two black men) say "okay".  Back pedal then so that the nice African-American men don't think you were calling THEM "boys".


32.  Breathe a sigh of relief as the last piece of large furniture goes into the storage room.  Pay the nice men $200 for their hour of effort.  Wonder how you can become a "mover" and make bank.

33.  Tip your "boys" and Rebecca and Glo by taking them to lunch.  Take a moment to appreciate how lucky you are to have the family you do.



34.  Pray that the house will sell, because you aren't sure you can do this again.

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