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Faith (Once Again)

Faith.

I'm so tired of writing about faith.

I realize that if I just had more faith, I wouldn't need to write about it so much.

But alas, what I once thought was my key strength in the gospel is turning on me, and I'm finding that I'm severely lacking.

Our house continues to be on the market.  This is an endless source of stress for John and me.  And yet, through it all, I know that it will all be okay.

I've gone to the temple more times in my life in the past 12 months than ever before.  Every time, I ask God if we are making the wrong decision, and before I can hardly get the thought out of my head and on its way to Heavenly Father, I receive an overwhelming feeling of peace that everything is going to be okay.

When I sincerely pray about our house selling, all of the thoughts and worries that have occupied my mind for however long before I kneel down completely disappear.  In fact, I can hardly remember what I'm praying for.

We think about just taking our house off of the market and staying here in Pennsylvania, but it's like a black cloud comes to my mind, and I feel almost reprimanded for denying the feelings we have had about moving.

And I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the job John found is made just for him and that Heavenly Father helped us find it.  I can't deny it.

So why do all of these questions and doubts come to my mind every hour of every day again, and again, and again?

Yesterday, I woke up in the morning and realized that I had nothing on my calendar.  So, I threw on my church clothes and headed to the DC temple.  I'm not sure what answer I was looking to find.

Actually, I DO know what answer I want to find:  I want a voice to come in my mind and tell me that my house will sell tomorrow.

I knew thought that that wouldn't happen, but if nothing else, it never hurts to go to the temple.

As I was waiting for my endowment session to begin, I opened to Romans 1-3.  It happens to be the next reading assignment for seminary.  I didn't expect a lot of spiritual enlightenment from reading those three chapters, just coming off of Acts which was basically just a play by play of Paul's ministry.  However, it didn't take long for me to find an answer....again.

Paul was writing an epistle to the Romans (the unbaptized people), but he begins his address to all of the disciples of Jesus who have joined the church in Rome.

In verse 6 of the first chapter, he writes, "First, I thank my God through Jesus Christ for you all, that your faith is spoken of throughout the whole world."

It hit me at that moment, and I asked myself, "What do I want people to say of my faith?  I want people (future generations possibly?) to speak of the faith I had."

And as we all know, there's no reason to speak of someone's faith if they are constantly doubting.

And then, in the General Women's Conference broadcast last night, Bonnie H. Cordon of the Primary General Presidency, spoke about Proverbs 3:5: "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding."

She reminded us about leaning.  To lean is to move away from the center.  It gets us off balance.

Yes, as I try to make sense of what's happening with our house issues at this point, I am frequently found leaning unto my own understanding...and not trusting in the Lord.

Too, I have been reminded over and over by John and through the talks of my church leaders that our house not selling is such a small issue in the trials and sadnesses of life's woes.  Instead of having some down to earth discussions with the Lord about not hearing my prayers and helping me, I should spend more time expressing my gratitude for all of the blessings in my life.  Good health, stable income, terrific kids.  And most importantly, I have what I always wanted:  a happy family.

President James E. Faust said it perfectly:

"Here is a great truth.  In the pain, the agony, and the heroic endeavors of life, we pass through a refiner's fire, and the insignificant and the unimportant in our lives can melt away like dross and make our faith bright, intact, and strong.  In this way, the divine image can be mirrored from the soul.   It is part of the puging toll exacted of some to become acquainted with God.  In the agonies of life, we seem to listen better to the faint, godly whisperings of the Diving Shepherd.

This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard.  In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength.  For some, the refiner's fire causes a loss of belief and faith in God, but those with eternal perspective understand that such refining is part of the perfection process."

Thanks to my Heavenly Father who reminds me that there are things of such greater importance.

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