For me, the struggle of being a stay-at-home mom never ends. In fact, as my last child is only a year away from leaving for college, I'm feeling the pressure even more to "find myself". People are beginning to ask me exactly what I'm going to do with my days once Glo leaves.
Through the years, I have gone back to school several times: once after Ethan was born, once when we moved to East Lansing, and just recently through BYU's Independent Study program. I have also held down various small jobs, mostly working as a receptionist for different people, but also testing the waters as a professional accompanist. I do these things because I get the feeling that I must do them; that I need a diploma on the wall to validate my intelligence, or a paycheck to validate my existence. I tell myself, because the world tells me, that there is no way I can be personally fulfilled as "just" a mother.
With Glo being gone to PMEA All-State Orchestra festival this week, it's just been John and me at home. I know that John really enjoys it when it's just the two of us, because all of my focus turns to him as soon as he walks in the door from work :-) He suggested that we go see "My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2" for date night. Better yet, he suggested that we watch the original movie beforehand. My jaw nearly hit the floor at his suggestion, having lived through years of John coercing me into watching his "black" movies (those sci-fi/thriller/fantasy movies that have black DVD cases). However, I ran with it, despite my worry that the sequel wouldn't be nearly as funny or touching as the original.
It was a sweet movie. Such a sweet movie. And there was a scene that summed up everything I have ever known about being a mom.
Maria, the matriarch of the family, looks at her children and says that she always thought she wanted more. She wanted to travel, she wanted to see the world, she wanted to be independent. She wanted an adventure. However, after thinking about it, she said the most beautiful sentence I've heard in a long time: "My adventure has been making a family."
Think about that that line. My adventure has been making a family.
Everything that the world has told me that I need to do? I have done it all at home. I have received an education. I have worked my body to the bone. I have learned. I have grown. I have developed relationships with my co-workers. I have given something back to the world in the form of my children.
What an adventure!
And for the first time in my life, I'm coming out. I'm admitting what I've always known. I love being a wife and mother. In fact, when I'm not wife-ing, or mothering, I feel stressed and not fulfilled. I worry about my husband and children, and I feel a pull to get back to them as quickly as I can. It's not a cool thing to admit any of this. It's not a popular sentiment. But it's who I am.
I spent several hours last week speaking to my friend, Nancy, about all of this, and I was so glad to hear her say that she didn't want to get a job now that her children have left. She wants to be available for her family when they need her, whether it's just being able to meet her husband for lunch on base, or it's being able to fly across country at the drop of a hat for the birth of a grandchild.
Some women can make it work. They can have a career and a family, and nobody suffers. I'm not that talented. Some women must work because they have no other financial support. I count my lucky stars that my husband supports us financially. These women are super heroes in my book.
However, I'm not a super hero. I'm just a wife, and a mom, and it's the best adventure I could have.
Through the years, I have gone back to school several times: once after Ethan was born, once when we moved to East Lansing, and just recently through BYU's Independent Study program. I have also held down various small jobs, mostly working as a receptionist for different people, but also testing the waters as a professional accompanist. I do these things because I get the feeling that I must do them; that I need a diploma on the wall to validate my intelligence, or a paycheck to validate my existence. I tell myself, because the world tells me, that there is no way I can be personally fulfilled as "just" a mother.
With Glo being gone to PMEA All-State Orchestra festival this week, it's just been John and me at home. I know that John really enjoys it when it's just the two of us, because all of my focus turns to him as soon as he walks in the door from work :-) He suggested that we go see "My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2" for date night. Better yet, he suggested that we watch the original movie beforehand. My jaw nearly hit the floor at his suggestion, having lived through years of John coercing me into watching his "black" movies (those sci-fi/thriller/fantasy movies that have black DVD cases). However, I ran with it, despite my worry that the sequel wouldn't be nearly as funny or touching as the original.
It was a sweet movie. Such a sweet movie. And there was a scene that summed up everything I have ever known about being a mom.
Maria, the matriarch of the family, looks at her children and says that she always thought she wanted more. She wanted to travel, she wanted to see the world, she wanted to be independent. She wanted an adventure. However, after thinking about it, she said the most beautiful sentence I've heard in a long time: "My adventure has been making a family."
Think about that that line. My adventure has been making a family.
Everything that the world has told me that I need to do? I have done it all at home. I have received an education. I have worked my body to the bone. I have learned. I have grown. I have developed relationships with my co-workers. I have given something back to the world in the form of my children.
What an adventure!
And for the first time in my life, I'm coming out. I'm admitting what I've always known. I love being a wife and mother. In fact, when I'm not wife-ing, or mothering, I feel stressed and not fulfilled. I worry about my husband and children, and I feel a pull to get back to them as quickly as I can. It's not a cool thing to admit any of this. It's not a popular sentiment. But it's who I am.
I spent several hours last week speaking to my friend, Nancy, about all of this, and I was so glad to hear her say that she didn't want to get a job now that her children have left. She wants to be available for her family when they need her, whether it's just being able to meet her husband for lunch on base, or it's being able to fly across country at the drop of a hat for the birth of a grandchild.
Some women can make it work. They can have a career and a family, and nobody suffers. I'm not that talented. Some women must work because they have no other financial support. I count my lucky stars that my husband supports us financially. These women are super heroes in my book.
However, I'm not a super hero. I'm just a wife, and a mom, and it's the best adventure I could have.
Awww that's so cute Mama! You're a super hero to me! I <3 you!
ReplyDelete