Validation, Larisa Style

Don't you love it when you read something that describes you perfectly, and you realize that the people writing the article are praising you?

It's been a beautiful thing to see the recent publications of books on shyness and introverts.  Have you heard of them?  One book which came out last month is called Quiet:  The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, and the other is Shyness:  How Normal Behavior Became a Sickness.  Although I haven't read either of them yet, I have read articles that have discussed them, and what a relief to all of us shy and introverted people!

Here's an example.  Read it and see if you feel the same.  If so, you are part of 30% of the population who fall on the introvert end of the temperament spectrum.

I'm in the bathroom of the American embassy in Tokyo, and I can't leave.  Somewhere in the elegant rooms beyond, the ambassador is holding his annual holiday party  Diplomats from around the world, U.S. military personnel and reporters are mingling, sipping Champagne and picking at hors d'oeuvres.  As Time's Tokyo bureau chief, I should be there, trolling for gossip or mining potential sources.


And for 20 minutes or so after arriving, despite the usual nerves, I did just that.  But small talk with stiff-backed strangers at a swanky cocktail party is by far my least favorite part of my job.  Send me to a famine or a flood and I'm comfortable.  A few rounds of the room at a social event, however, leave me exhausted. So now and then I retreat into the solitude of the bathroom, watching the minutes tick by until I've recovered enough to go back out there.


If you can relate to this story, welcome to my world!  I couldn't believe I was reading this!  There are actually people out there who feel this way?  The part he left out that is a major player in my life is the deep breath.  Before I can head into any situation like that whether it be church, a party for John's work, or just a neighborhood barbeque, I have to take a deep breath and put on my game face.  I literally have a pep talk in my head, telling myself that I can do this!  At the end of one of these functions, I leave with a migraine, and go home and go to bed.

Some other points made:

• Shyness is a form of anxiety characterized by inhibited behavior
• Shyness implies a fear of social judgment that can be crippling (see any of my posts from the last five years to find perfect examples of this in my life)
• Shy people actively seek to avoid social situations, even ones they might want to take part in, because they are inhibited by fear.
• Introverts may be able to fit all their friends in a phone booth, but those relationships tend to be deep and rewarding (this is my life to a "t"!)

Oh my gosh, I'm normal!  Well, at least with 30% of the population.  Granted, that may be a minority in the sea of humanity, but I'm thrilled that my narcosis is a wedge in the pie chart of personalities!

Several of the articles go on to make the point that introverts actually accomplish more because they enjoy being alone, with a project to finish.  They tend to be excellent listeners and therefore internalize what others are feeling.  They are frequently overshadowed by extroverts (think of the quiet child in a large classroom who is basically ignored by teachers) and appear to lack a desire to succeed.  However, studies are proving that they do, in fact, grow up to be successful people.

So, without going into much more, I had to laugh at the definitions of an extrovert versus an introvert.  Seriously, I laughed out loud, and for one reason only.  See if you can figure it out:

Introvert:  Prefers to be alone or in small groups; is quickly exhausted by parties and other large social situations

Extrovert:  Finds large crowds and social situation energizing; becomes bored easily when alone.

Do you know who this is?  Let me try this again.

INTROVERT

EXTROVERT

Our "differences" caused some major problems for years at the beginning of our marriage.  However, we've learned to compromise.  John gives me plenty of warning when a social event is necessary (although I only had five minutes to prepare when Richard G. Scott came by our house for a couple of hours), and he asks me if we can do other things.  I've learned to say "yes" occasionally (Halloween parties are a perfect example).  On the other hand, John very kindly allows us quiet Saturday evenings at home.

I can't deny either, that because of John's outgoing and friendly personality, we have had experiences and have met friends that we would not have had if we had been left to my devices.  Being an extrovert has enriched both of our lives, and I look at it as a blessing!

Here's a test of what you are (introvert/extrovert).  If you answer "yes" to most of the questions (I answered "yes" to ALL of them), you are an introvert.  If you answer "no" (as John would), you are an extrovert.  If you have a combination of "yes" and "no" (and most people will), you are an ambivert, and you conveniently fall in the middle of personalities, you lucky, lucky devil.  I couldn't help inserting my own thoughts after each.  Just ignore them, if they are distracting to you.

1.  I prefer on-on-one conversations to group activities (lunch with three close friends versus Relief Society, our church's women's group)

2.  I often prefer to express myself in writing (duh, my blog)

3.  I enjoy solitude (living in a large house, on a large piece of land, far away from neighbors)

4.  I seem to care less than my peers about wealth, fame and status (I'm happy to be very incognito)

5.  I dislike small talk, but I enjoy talking in depth about topics that matter to me (yeah, this goes over very well at parties--I can usually see the other women's eyes glazing over)

6.  People tell me that I'm a good listener.

7.  I'm not a big risk taker (scuba diving doesn't count, David--I was forced into it...and glad I was)

8.  I enjoy work that allows me to dive in with few interruptions (don't even TRY to get ahold of me when I'm making Christmas Advent books!)

9.  I like to celebrate birthdays on a small scale with only one or two close friends or family members (when John threw me a surprise 40th birthday party, I just about died--shaking, nerves, and dry mouth)

10.  People describe me as soft-spoken or mellow (okay, maybe this is a "no")

11.  I prefer not to show my work or discuss it with others until it is finished.

12.  I dislike conflict (such a huge deal to me--I can never understand female drama)

13.  I do my best work alone (I would check classes in college to see if there was a "group" project.  If so, I was out of there!)

14.  I tend to think before I speak (or rewrite and edit blog posts ad nauseum)

15.  I feel drained after being out and about, even if I've enjoyed myself (did I mention migraines?)

16.  I often let calls go to voice mail (I never pick up, and I believe caller id is one of the best inventions ever)

17.  If I had to choose, I'd prefer a weekend with absolutely nothing to do to one with too many things scheduled.  (this is why I go to Ann Arbor so frequently)

18.  I don't enjoy multitasking (okay, I do, and I do it well--have you seen me after my kids get home from school?)

19.  I concentrate easily.

20.  In classrooms, I prefer lectures to seminars (see #13)

Here's to being a shy, anxiety-ridden introvert.  There's nothing wrong with it, and I'm not a freak.

  I can't tell you how relieved I am to know that I'm not alone.