Although I don’t run anymore, I’m thankful that I did run when I had the physical capabilities. I’m especially glad that I chose to run the two marathons that I did, because long distance races are great metaphors for life. As you know, every mile or so along the race are aid stations. Water, Gatorade, bananas. I don’t know about you, but I was always thankful to see the aid station—it was a place to refuel and to get encouragement from the workers. Remember how they cheer and clap and encourage you on? Too, I always ran my strongest in front of them because I didn’t want to look like a loser :-) Since I returned home from Interlochen, life has been difficult for me, to say the least. The one shining moment was all the fun I had with Mark and the kids before he left, but other than that, it’s been really hard. I haven’t gone into many of the details because I haven’t wanted you to worry—I figure you have enough on your plate! However, just know that it’s been really, really hard. I have been thankful for the “aid” stations that have come along. I think about my visiting teachers, Sisters Koide and Hulet, and how they are always willing to go out to lunch with me. We laugh, and talk, and laugh some more, and for those few hours, I am able to forget my problems. There is a reason that I have always had a testimony of visiting teaching!
Another aid station in my life has been my kids. You four are a source of strength and comfort to me 24/7. Yes, I have spent countless hours worrying about you, but when I think that I can do nothing good, and that nobody likes me, I think of you kids. I take comfort in knowing that I have done something right in my life when I look at your lives and your successes. I never discount Mark when he hugs me and says “Mama, you are perfeto”, because I know that he means it. He recognizes that he wouldn’t be where he is today without me. And yes, I take most of the credit. I know Daddy has done some to help shape all of you, but it’s mostly been me.
However, the main part of the race isn’t spent at the aid stations. They are just blips in the race, coming and going too quickly. The core part of the race is the time a runner is alone with the road. Of course, when I think of how slow I run, I definitely have more alone time on the road than most people have. Those lonely miles are where the true test is. Can I keep going? Will I make it to the end? Doubts and fear raise their ugly heads, but through perseverance and faith in myself, I put one foot in front of the other.
In life, that’s how it is. As much as we like being around people; as much as we listen to conference talks and Sunday School lessons; as much time as we spend with our family, our lives are really up to just us. Alone. It’s our actions and our choices that will determine our destiny. Can I keep going? Will I make it to the end? Doubts and fear raise their ugly heads.
It’s been a lonely road for me for the past two months. I’ve received a lot of criticism, and it’s only gotten worse over the past week. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more alone in my life.
The only comfort from this (and the thing that I have learned from it all) is that I know that in fact, I am not alone. The Savior stands ready to walk by my side through this time in my life. All of this suffering that I am feeling? He has felt. The loneliness I feel? I think of him in the Garden of Gethsemane, alone. He knows my pain, he knows my angst, he knows my loneliness.
I know that the Savior understands. I know that he was there when I was growing up and remembers what I have been through. He can understand my actions and I know that he doesn’t judge me for them. What a salve to the soul.
As I was just out mowing the lawn, the words of the hymn “Where Can I Turn For Peace?” came to my mind, and I just sang the words that I could remember over and over. There are times when the only peace to be found is in the Savior.
It’s funny how we are given specific moments in our life to learn. When you all were young, life seemed simpler. I learned a lot from the large, responsible callings I held. I have wondered why I haven’t received any callings like that in many years, and I think it’s because I learned what I was supposed to learn when I was young.
For now, it seems that the Lord wants my testimony of the Savior to grow and develop, and the only way (I think) to develop that testimony is to experience what the Savior experienced. It’s important for one to need the Savior to understand his sacrifice. I think I was supposed to learn this lesson with Kirt Peterson (although I thought at the time that I was simply to learn endurance), but I didn’t. I didn’t learn to need the Savior, so I guess Heavenly Father is giving me another chance.
When I read your email, I wondered to myself what lesson you are supposed to be learning at this time. I’m sure that the lessons you will learn now will be of great benefit to you in the future and that there is a reason the Lord put you in this situation. Grab this learning experience by the horns and run with it. Don’t let it beat you down, but instead become the master of it. Does that make sense?
{Anna sent me the link to this beautiful video. Please watch it...}
{Anna sent me the link to this beautiful video. Please watch it...}
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