My YSA Calling

Back in January, John and I were called as the Stake YSA married advisors in the Farmington Hills Stake.  I was hesitant to accept the calling when we checked the most recent church handbook of instruction and found out that our calling didn't exist anymore, and the stake presidency member who called us told us to reference the older handbook.  And beyond that, I didn't WANT to accept the calling.  John and I get so tired of fulfilling what we call "outlier" callings--callings that nobody wants, and callings that nobody cares about, and callings that are dang hard and thankless.  I have spent much of the last ten years filling callings like this, and I crave a calling where I just do what I'm supposed to do and all is well.  However, something that our bishop texted me stuck with me: we were extended this calling after I had accepted a calling to serve with the young women in our ward, and the bishop told me that he wasn't sure I should accept both callings, but he was sure that I would be excited for this new stake opportunity.  No joke, I thought it would be one of those mainstream callings, but my hopes were quickly shot when he told me that it was for both John and me.  And I will admit that I was disappointed--we had this same calling back in Bitburg, and it's just hard.  Unlike missionaries who are trying to convert people to the gospel, we are trying to convince 20-somethings that they want to come BACK to church.

We accepted the calling, and I begged the bishop to let me still serve with the young women (because in my mind, it would be the more enjoyable calling).  He agreed, and I was so thankful for a merciful bishop.

Because our stake is new, we were starting from Ground Zero.  Actually, it felt like we were starting from the basement of Ground Zero.  We had no guidance, no momentum and no lists.  Finally we found out that there are 350 YSAs in our stake, and about 20 are active.

I called the Institute director in Ann Arbor who also happens to be the newly-called bishop in the Howell ward, the ward who has the most YSAs.  I asked him to tell me anything that I need to know about leading YSAs.  He gave me some podcasts to listen to which were really terrific.  One of the YSAs on a podcast said that she wished leaders would see YSAs as "complete"; that they aren't "half" a person without a spouse.  That was a life-changing viewpoint for me.

At the same time, I was having a conversation with Lisa Thomas, an old friend from Dayton.  I had given her Glo's phone number in case her YSA-aged son would like to ask her out (this was after we had a conversation with the Thomases at Glo's recital about the fact that kids can't find other kids to date in this era).  This is what she wrote me in an email entitled "Love and Understanding From Provo":

Last month I had a perspective-shifting experience with a niece who's always been a good counselor to me. She helped me see that when my kids feel my desperation, they suffer more, and then I suffer more, and then they really sense danger. She pointed out that since I can't change the reality we're all experiencing, a better approach would be to really lighten up and look at them as whole people, not half people. 

She suggested I spend time getting to know them as adults, with dreams and interests that aren't the ones I taught them to have, and that I get excited about who they are and what they might do with their lives. 

This is not easy to do! I have been so used to bending my brain to finding ways for them to date, or meet people. But this new perspective actually has shifted something in our relationship in a way that is entirely beneficial. The topics of our conversations have changed. I don't talk about their dating lives unless they bring it up, and the mood has definitely lightened. 

 I could hardly believe it.  It was the exact same message.

We began having monthly committee meetings comprised of the counselor in the stake presidency, a member of the high council, a counselor in the stake Relief Society presidency, and us.  The main focus was "what activities can we plan so that the kids can meet each other and get married?".  Man, it was difficult to explain that we might want to take a different tact.

Over the next few months, John and I sat in on the high council meeting and almost every ward council meeting.  We reached out to bishoprics, and we begged them to call ward couple advisors.  It felt like we were climbing a mountain every time we shared our message--these YSAs are the "lost sheep" and they need to be found.  But once again, older members of the wards expressed the feeling that we just needed to host activities to get them to meet each other so they could get married.  In fact, in one ward council, there was a YSA there as the Young Women representative, and she ended up leaving the meeting in tears after those feelings were expressed.

And I get it.  I have felt the exact same way about my girls.  "If only they could meet the right guy, they could get married and all would be well."  But it's been a tough lesson for me to learn that I can't view them as that, as a piece of unmarried meat.  That their getting married needs to be MY goal for them.  No. Marriage might come as a result of them living their very best lives.  But as my friend, Lisa, said, it might not as well.  And we will support them and love them as single people too.  As just people.

Easter Sunday dawned, and Hannah asked me to come to her ward with her (John was out of town).  While there, I had the impression that Hannah should ask some of them over for dinner, despite the fact that the two of us were having tacos.  Feliz Pasqua--tacos for Easter!  She invited three friends--they all showed up an hour after church.  And it was the most delightful three hours of conversation around the dinner table, but I soon discovered that they didn't need me there.  Unlike youth, they are adults, and they crave good conversation with each other.  Because I was so embarrassed that I was feeding them tacos for Easter, I invited them back the next week for a real Easter dinner with the family...and they all came again.

In May, Hannah invited me to teach the lesson in Relief Society on Mother's Day (happy Mother's Day to me! ;-))  She chose two beautiful conference talks, "Are We Not All Mothers?" and "Certain Women".  Wow.  The spirit was so strong as I prepared that lesson.  I started with an opening question, "What things are the most challenging to you as single women?"  I had guessed that they would bring up being alone, or dating, but they mentioned filing taxes, getting an education and supporting themselves first.  These are the things that are the minds of the YSA--not planning activities to meet men.  It was a powerful lesson, and the spirit was thick as honey.  And in the end, I felt closer to the ones I already knew, and a new love for those I didn't.

In June, John noticed a new guy in his Elder's Quorum meeting in Northville Ward and introduced himself.  The guy is a YSA attending Adrian College, playing rugby.  John wanted to invite him over for dinner that week, but I didn't want it to feel like a set-up when Hannah was the only other YSA there ;-) The only night we could do it was the next night (Monday), and unbeknownst to me, there was a Family Home Evening scheduled between the Ann Arbor YSA ward, and the Bloomfield Hills YSA branch.  We invited ten kids, and all ten kids came.  It was all the proof I needed of what I had learned up to this point: YSAs don't want random activities where they are forced into a possible dating situation.  They want deep, meaningful moments to get to know each other in a natural setting.  Several of them had already been in our home, so they felt comfortable there, a couple of them were my former Chelsea Ward YW, and the others I didn't know.  Josh, the rugby player, asked John if he could bring a kid from his team which he did, and during the night, in the most natural of ways, the kids ended up asking the non-member if he'd like to come to church with all of them.  It was beautiful.  And they were there again for three hours, just talking until the late evening.

Then an interesting thing happened. We were sitting in the temple three days later during Preparation Meeting, and President Cameron mentioned one of the YSAs who had been sitting around our table three days earlier.  Andrew Gentry is a five-star Michigan football recruit who just came home from his mission and has moved to Ann Arbor to start playing for the Wolverines (he's a red-shirt this year).  He's a BIG deal for members of the church in the area, and many of us are fan-girling over him.  You'll notice in our picture that I'm NOT wearing maize and blue--my kids told me I had to play it cool, so I kept it very neutral with the Tigers swag.  And I didn't ask him about football, and I acted like I had no idea who he is WHEN I TOTALLY DO.  Well, President Cameron mentioned that he and his wife had had Andrew over for dinner, and what an excellent kid he is.  And he comes to the temple weekly.  And he attends first Saline ward every Sunday, and then heads to the Ann Arbor YSA ward.

While this was all cool to hear, the main thought that went through my head was, "Why aren't you inviting other YSAs over to your home?" President Cameron not only served in the temple presidency, but he's the stake patriarch.  Doesn't he think other YSAs would benefit from being around him?  But as Mark explains it, they don't have the "social capital" that Andrew Gentry has.  And that makes me really mad, not at Andrew, but at the rest of humanity.  These kids are alone, away from families (well, not Hannie), and they would love to be invited into a Spirit-filled home to eat some good food and enjoy some good company.  If you want to have Andrew over, invite some other kids as well for heaven's sake!

After this event, we were asked to host a pool party for the AA YSA ward in July.  We said "yes", and since we hadn't set up the basement after our renovation, it was the motivation we needed to get the job done.  We had 40 kids show up, eating dinner, swimming, playing corn hole and just having a wonderful time (and none went in our new basement, much to our chagrin!).  The activity began at 7:00, and most of them didn't leave until 11:30.  John and I didn't need to do anything but provide the home and the pool.  And again, it turned into a missionary opportunity.  Pedro, our dear neighbor friend who has gone to Tigers games with Hannah and John, came to the party at John's request.  He stayed the entire night, and the YSAs were so good to him, including him in everything.  They invited him to church as well.

Looking back on my January self, I see what I have learned from this calling so far, and boy has it been an education.  I have learned so much more than I have being a YW advisor.  Yes, it has stretched me beyond where I feel comfortable, but I think of the opportunities I have been given to share the "gospel message of the YSAs" with others, and it makes me feel so complete.  I know their struggles because I live with two of them, and I know that what I wish for them doesn't help them in any way, but instead makes them feel bad.  They are complete as they are, and my job is to celebrate their victories with them...and not wish it was a different victory.

Once again, the Lord knows.  I might still tell the Lord that I've done enough and I want a more defined opportunity, but He knows I can do more than that.  He knows my talents, and He's using them to His advantage.  Henry B. Eyring said this: "Of all the help we can give these young people, the greatest will be to let them feel our confidence that they are on the path home to God and that they can make it." 

Done.