I appreciate the activities and experiences that I have chosen to have over the years that have taught me important things. I don't choose to do them with the intent of being taught, but inevitably, with my introverted self, I find analogies for real life. When I was running marathons, I initially set out to run the first just because I wanted to see if I could, but I learned many things along the way about perseverance, pain, the important of support systems, and crossing the finish line of life. The same goes for SCUBA diving. We set out to learn how to dive because we thought it would be cool, and we could do something we hadn't done before, but I have learned more about myself and the human experience by taking the plunge (yes, pun intended).
I've written about it before, but I'll never forget when my mask failed at 80 feet off the south side of Grand Cayman. It was the first dive I had made with Mac, and he noticed that I had bubbles coming out of my mask as we descended. However, it was only a minute or two later that the entire front of my mask came apart from the rubber trim, and it flooded.
A lot of people say that they don't want to try diving because of anxiety--they have so many worries about what could happen--but I have found that diving has actually taught me how to handle anxious situations better, and I'm much better at staying calm when things aren't going like they should be. In the case of my mask, I knew that I needed to do one thing--I needed to just keep breathing, and everything else would work out. I didn't know what had exactly happened at the moment, but I knew that I couldn't see and that water was somehow going up my nose. So I pinched my nose, closed my eyes, and just breathed. I knew that as long as I was breathing, I would be okay. And sure enough, within seconds, I felt a hand on the upper part of each arm, and the hands were gently squeezing my arms. I didn't know who it was, or what was happening, but I felt a reassurance that someone was going to take care of me, and within ten seconds or so, I was back at the surface. Mac had seen the mask fail, had swum over to me, given me something to focus on by squeezing my arms and by so doing, let me know that things were going to be okay, and had taken me to safety.
Likewise, I have learned that when life fails me, I need to focus on one thing that I know is important and wait for someone to help me to the surface. For a lot of people, prayer is the go-to activity that will help them through the big trials of life. They pray morning, noon, and night. For others, it's reading the scriptures. I know for John, the scriptures have pulled him through a lot of anxiety and depression over the past few months. For me, when I have doubted everything and felt like I am drowning; when I have felt that God is nowhere to be found; when I have questioned if anything I believe is true, the temple has been my beacon. I will never doubt the truth of what happens in the temple. It has been a spiritual lifeline for me over the years.
Obviously, having a temple so close to us and being able to work there several times a week has been a lifesaver to us through our current, horrendous trial. It has been a blessing unmeasured. As we look to the future, not sure of what is going to happen, and unsure of how we will find another job or even support ourselves, we can do not much more than hold onto the peace we feel when we enter the temple doors. In fact, this week, President Pollard, the Detroit temple temple president, pulled John into his office, and talked to him for a long while. He told him that Satan and his minions wait outside the door of the temple, ready to accompany us as soon as we exit. Just like we have been saved and prepared for these final days, his minions have been saved and prepared as well with the strongest following us and attempting to tear us down. President Pollard reminded John that this earth is Satan's kingdom, not God's.
There is a second lifeline though that has stood me in just-as-good stead throughout my life and which has proved invaluable over the past week after receiving the bad news about John's hearing: patriarchal blessings. You'll notice that I used the plural on that. It's not just my patriarchal blessing that has helped me, but also the blessings of others.
It has been difficult to process what has been the result of the past nine months of praying (both mine and John's and others) and fasting, and temple attendance, and people writing our names on the temple prayer roll, and the faith of others, and their beliefs, and leaning on their faith when mine has failed, and priesthood blessings that have extended promises to us that didn't happen. My faith has been completely shaken, because I don't think I've ever had so much faith that something would work out. So I turned to yet another thing that I KNOW is true, no doubting and no questioning. Our family's patriarchal blessings.
I feel very privileged that my husband and my children freely share their patriarchal blessings with me. I almost have my own memorized because I have read it so many times, and I have specific lines memorized from my children's (from reminding them during their own trials of what they have been promised). This past week, a line from Mark's kept coming to my head, and try as I might to push away the prompting to pull out his blessing and read it, I just couldn't do it and finally pulled it out of the file cabinet last night. I thought the line was about failing, or making mistakes, or something similar to that, but I couldn't find what I was looking for. However, I found this line:
You have a wonderful countenance that draws other to you. Even as the Savior was able to speak words of salvation to those who would hear because they were attracted to Him, many will seek you out in order that they can share with you their innermost thoughts and hear the words of inspiration that you will share with them to help them overcome the difficulties of their lives.
Mark called me last week to check in and see how I was doing. I expressed my lack of faith, and my distrust in, and almost hatred of God. How could he give John and me all these signs that everything was going to be okay, only to give us the worst result possible? I feel like the proverbial ant under the magnifying glass, being burned by a malicious eight-year-old kid. Mark, not judging me or missing a beat, shared with me some feelings that I hadn't heard him express before.
His whole life was dedicated to music, and horn specifically. Although he earned several scholarships to attend Michigan for music, it cost John and me close to $100,000 for his schooling. Interlochen, auditions, lessons in Philly, stress. So much dedication. And yet, Mark was a failure (at least by the world's standards). He struggled to understand why God would inspire him to pursue music and to attend Michigan when God knew he would not become a musician. Why lead him down the wrong path?
And then Nikki. His mission president had encouraged Mark to pursue Nikki after their missions. Long distance dating, and Mark giving up an entire summer to go live near her in Utah, working at a school cafeteria. Mark had prayed to know if he should marry her, and he received the answer that she was "the one". But a failed engagement just days before the wedding? Really? Why would God lead him down that path, knowing that it would end in disappointment and misery? He was messed up about dating for a long while after that and wondered if he would ever find the girl of his dreams.
(I won't lie. Hearing Mark recount all of these failures was incredibly painful for me, and it put my "failure" in perspective. What right did I have to complain when my own tests of faith were so much less than what Mark has endured?)
But Mark went on (and what a testament to his spiritual strength and to his faith that he never shared how poorly he felt throughout these times in his life). It's taken a long while, but he sees now how good his life has turned out. He didn't appreciate it at the time, but his five years at Michigan, doing music, was nothing but stress and worry. Now? He excels at and enjoys business. But would he ever have found that path on his own? Would he have gone for an MBA if music had given him enough success to keep him motivated? Probably not, and he would still be stressed out and miserable.
And he found someone else.
But none of this was instantaneous, and none of this would have happened without the failures. It goes back to the story told in General Conference that sometimes we have to take the wrong path to know what the right one is.
So back to that lifeline. Can we all see that Mark's patriarchal blessing was exactly right in what it told Mark he would be and do?
And within my own blessing is to "remember to have the programs of the Church in your home. It will please your Father in Heaven, and it will bring blessings to you." As we all know, I didn't know what this really meant until Ethan helped me see that all the crazy programs and traditions that I start within our family have brought about some really happy times in our lives.
And finally, probably the biggest moment that was prophesied in any of our blessings is that John's father would return to activity in the church. After 35 years, none of us thought it happen, but sure enough, it did.
Patriarchal blessings are true. They are real. The things in them are not a joke. They are a lifeline to believe in when all else fails. If you haven't read yours recently, pull it out and study it.
God can't be a hater of me, and he isn't abandoning me when I can see his love and miracles happening through patriarchal blessings. It says in my patriarchal blessing "You will receive and be given financial substance and all needs to make it possible for you to accomplish the work of the Lord in the latter days, preparing the earth for the coming of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ", and it says in John's "All the things that you expect financially and otherwise will be given to you."
I can't see how it will happen. Nothing is pointing that way for us. But Mark was right--we can't always see the big picture, the long road, the end. So during this really hard week, when all else seems to have failed--prayers, fasting, priesthood blessings, personal revelation, the faith of others--I'm going to pinch my nose and keep breathing, and hold on to what I know is true.
I've written about it before, but I'll never forget when my mask failed at 80 feet off the south side of Grand Cayman. It was the first dive I had made with Mac, and he noticed that I had bubbles coming out of my mask as we descended. However, it was only a minute or two later that the entire front of my mask came apart from the rubber trim, and it flooded.
A lot of people say that they don't want to try diving because of anxiety--they have so many worries about what could happen--but I have found that diving has actually taught me how to handle anxious situations better, and I'm much better at staying calm when things aren't going like they should be. In the case of my mask, I knew that I needed to do one thing--I needed to just keep breathing, and everything else would work out. I didn't know what had exactly happened at the moment, but I knew that I couldn't see and that water was somehow going up my nose. So I pinched my nose, closed my eyes, and just breathed. I knew that as long as I was breathing, I would be okay. And sure enough, within seconds, I felt a hand on the upper part of each arm, and the hands were gently squeezing my arms. I didn't know who it was, or what was happening, but I felt a reassurance that someone was going to take care of me, and within ten seconds or so, I was back at the surface. Mac had seen the mask fail, had swum over to me, given me something to focus on by squeezing my arms and by so doing, let me know that things were going to be okay, and had taken me to safety.
Likewise, I have learned that when life fails me, I need to focus on one thing that I know is important and wait for someone to help me to the surface. For a lot of people, prayer is the go-to activity that will help them through the big trials of life. They pray morning, noon, and night. For others, it's reading the scriptures. I know for John, the scriptures have pulled him through a lot of anxiety and depression over the past few months. For me, when I have doubted everything and felt like I am drowning; when I have felt that God is nowhere to be found; when I have questioned if anything I believe is true, the temple has been my beacon. I will never doubt the truth of what happens in the temple. It has been a spiritual lifeline for me over the years.
Obviously, having a temple so close to us and being able to work there several times a week has been a lifesaver to us through our current, horrendous trial. It has been a blessing unmeasured. As we look to the future, not sure of what is going to happen, and unsure of how we will find another job or even support ourselves, we can do not much more than hold onto the peace we feel when we enter the temple doors. In fact, this week, President Pollard, the Detroit temple temple president, pulled John into his office, and talked to him for a long while. He told him that Satan and his minions wait outside the door of the temple, ready to accompany us as soon as we exit. Just like we have been saved and prepared for these final days, his minions have been saved and prepared as well with the strongest following us and attempting to tear us down. President Pollard reminded John that this earth is Satan's kingdom, not God's.
There is a second lifeline though that has stood me in just-as-good stead throughout my life and which has proved invaluable over the past week after receiving the bad news about John's hearing: patriarchal blessings. You'll notice that I used the plural on that. It's not just my patriarchal blessing that has helped me, but also the blessings of others.
It has been difficult to process what has been the result of the past nine months of praying (both mine and John's and others) and fasting, and temple attendance, and people writing our names on the temple prayer roll, and the faith of others, and their beliefs, and leaning on their faith when mine has failed, and priesthood blessings that have extended promises to us that didn't happen. My faith has been completely shaken, because I don't think I've ever had so much faith that something would work out. So I turned to yet another thing that I KNOW is true, no doubting and no questioning. Our family's patriarchal blessings.
I feel very privileged that my husband and my children freely share their patriarchal blessings with me. I almost have my own memorized because I have read it so many times, and I have specific lines memorized from my children's (from reminding them during their own trials of what they have been promised). This past week, a line from Mark's kept coming to my head, and try as I might to push away the prompting to pull out his blessing and read it, I just couldn't do it and finally pulled it out of the file cabinet last night. I thought the line was about failing, or making mistakes, or something similar to that, but I couldn't find what I was looking for. However, I found this line:
You have a wonderful countenance that draws other to you. Even as the Savior was able to speak words of salvation to those who would hear because they were attracted to Him, many will seek you out in order that they can share with you their innermost thoughts and hear the words of inspiration that you will share with them to help them overcome the difficulties of their lives.
Mark called me last week to check in and see how I was doing. I expressed my lack of faith, and my distrust in, and almost hatred of God. How could he give John and me all these signs that everything was going to be okay, only to give us the worst result possible? I feel like the proverbial ant under the magnifying glass, being burned by a malicious eight-year-old kid. Mark, not judging me or missing a beat, shared with me some feelings that I hadn't heard him express before.
His whole life was dedicated to music, and horn specifically. Although he earned several scholarships to attend Michigan for music, it cost John and me close to $100,000 for his schooling. Interlochen, auditions, lessons in Philly, stress. So much dedication. And yet, Mark was a failure (at least by the world's standards). He struggled to understand why God would inspire him to pursue music and to attend Michigan when God knew he would not become a musician. Why lead him down the wrong path?
And then Nikki. His mission president had encouraged Mark to pursue Nikki after their missions. Long distance dating, and Mark giving up an entire summer to go live near her in Utah, working at a school cafeteria. Mark had prayed to know if he should marry her, and he received the answer that she was "the one". But a failed engagement just days before the wedding? Really? Why would God lead him down that path, knowing that it would end in disappointment and misery? He was messed up about dating for a long while after that and wondered if he would ever find the girl of his dreams.
(I won't lie. Hearing Mark recount all of these failures was incredibly painful for me, and it put my "failure" in perspective. What right did I have to complain when my own tests of faith were so much less than what Mark has endured?)
But Mark went on (and what a testament to his spiritual strength and to his faith that he never shared how poorly he felt throughout these times in his life). It's taken a long while, but he sees now how good his life has turned out. He didn't appreciate it at the time, but his five years at Michigan, doing music, was nothing but stress and worry. Now? He excels at and enjoys business. But would he ever have found that path on his own? Would he have gone for an MBA if music had given him enough success to keep him motivated? Probably not, and he would still be stressed out and miserable.
And he found someone else.
But none of this was instantaneous, and none of this would have happened without the failures. It goes back to the story told in General Conference that sometimes we have to take the wrong path to know what the right one is.
So back to that lifeline. Can we all see that Mark's patriarchal blessing was exactly right in what it told Mark he would be and do?
And within my own blessing is to "remember to have the programs of the Church in your home. It will please your Father in Heaven, and it will bring blessings to you." As we all know, I didn't know what this really meant until Ethan helped me see that all the crazy programs and traditions that I start within our family have brought about some really happy times in our lives.
And finally, probably the biggest moment that was prophesied in any of our blessings is that John's father would return to activity in the church. After 35 years, none of us thought it happen, but sure enough, it did.
Patriarchal blessings are true. They are real. The things in them are not a joke. They are a lifeline to believe in when all else fails. If you haven't read yours recently, pull it out and study it.
God can't be a hater of me, and he isn't abandoning me when I can see his love and miracles happening through patriarchal blessings. It says in my patriarchal blessing "You will receive and be given financial substance and all needs to make it possible for you to accomplish the work of the Lord in the latter days, preparing the earth for the coming of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ", and it says in John's "All the things that you expect financially and otherwise will be given to you."
I can't see how it will happen. Nothing is pointing that way for us. But Mark was right--we can't always see the big picture, the long road, the end. So during this really hard week, when all else seems to have failed--prayers, fasting, priesthood blessings, personal revelation, the faith of others--I'm going to pinch my nose and keep breathing, and hold on to what I know is true.
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