Learning to Embrace Myself

A few weeks ago I was beyond stressed worrying about two exams, a presentation, and getting enough work done for my first rotation in my PhD program. That's when I got a text from one of the members of the bishopric asking me to call him when I had a chance. I literally thought, he's going to ask me to speak on the weekend after I've had one of my exams and my presentation when I will literally have no time to actively prepare for it during the week. And I just so happened to be right. All I could do (after I accepted and hung up the phone) was laugh, I mean God knows me so well and He knew that this would test me. So I thought about it during my 15 minute lunch breaks, I thought about what I wanted people to know, what lessons I had learned from the Book of Mormon, and what stories I could incorporate in in order to get my point across.

I want to start out with a tiny bit of background on this. This move to Illinois has been one of the best things that could've happened to me (besides you know meeting Mark and being sealed to him for all time and eternity ;)). It was not the easiest choice, I don't think anyone from either of our families or any of our friends would say it was an easy choice for us. We didn't want to leave our family, friends, or our beloved Ann Arbor behind and trade that all for corn fields. But this has been such an adventure for me, and one I sorely needed now that I'm here. I constantly felt unworthy, stupid, useless and just depressed being in Michigan. It is incredibly hard to be surround by excellence and not feel overwhelmed by how small you are at any time. I always felt that my ideas were terrible and simple and that I was too dim, slow and foolish to be anything great. It was so incredibly painful. I expected that it would only get worse when I came and joined and competed against a class of 27 other brilliant people. But here's the shocker..... it wasn't. 

I don't know whether it's just the ability to get a new start in a new place, or whether I have been emboldened by my past experiences, but I felt a new sense of worth. I found that my ideas and feelings are understood and appreciated. That I'm not as scared to ask questions or make a fool out of myself, because in the end I'm bettering myself. I'm more confident in what I can do and what I can contribute. And although I miss my friends and family, I'm starting to feel more like I'm becoming a new, exciting version of myself. Even though things are challenging: juggling classes, a new lab with different techniques, a new church, the absurdly hot temperatures that are never ending..... I am even more aware of how these tasks are making me a stronger, more capable person. 

One thing I missed about our ward in Ann Arbor was how genuine and open people were about their struggles and disappointments and the lessons they learned from them. I didn't know much about these Illinois folks but I did know that I wanted to bring a tiny bit of that openness and honesty to this new ward with me. That being said I was absolutely terrified to give this talk, laying out your challenges for everyone to see and judge you on is not easy. I questioned whether this was the right thing to do, but when it was finally my turn to step to the microphone I felt nothing but peace. I think it was God's way of telling me that this was right. This was the path he wanted me on and this was my moment to share it with new people. Now I'd like to share it with you. 

I hope you can understand that I am explaining a lesson that came to me, and one that might not come to you in the same way or with the same answer, but I hope you can find hope and strength in your own answers the way that I did. So here goes nothing!

"Hi, my name is Allison Boss-Kennedy. My husband Mark, the super tall guy you sometimes see conducting but always hear singing, and I moved into the ward about a month ago. We moved here from Ann Arbor, Michigan to go to UIUC to continue our education. I’m in a PhD program for Molecular and Cellular Biology, and Mark is doing his Masters in Business Administration, so we hope to be here for a little while. When I’m not in class I’m usually binge watching my favorite TV shows and movies, like the Great British Baking Show, Doctor Who, Harry Potter, Marvel movies, or Lord of the Rings, while building legos. I also enjoy being active; I love going on hikes, bike rides, kayak adventures, or lifting weights. I was an avid crossfitter back in Michigan and hope to continue to do so once my schedule is less hectic. 

As a convert to the church, my experiences with the Book of Mormon have been rather small in my almost 2 years since joining the church. Although my time with the Book of Mormon has been short, there have been a few lasting impressions and lessons within its pages. 

I don’t know about you, but when I was younger and things weren’t working out to plan, I would go to my mother and talk about them. And as a woman of faith she would respond, “Allison, sometimes when one door closes, another one opens. You just have to trust that God is pushing you in the direction you need to go.” I know that phrase is meant as a way to help us look beyond our current troubles and to have faith that a new path is going to be shown to us. However, I have found that many times in my life a door is closed, yet I don’t see the light of a new door (or window) being opened. I feel as though I’m left in the dark to flounder my way around, grasping at shadows trying to find a doorknob. Thankfully I am not the only one to have felt this way before. 

In the Book of Mormon and our other scriptures, there are plenty of people who are left in the dark when they are trying to follow God’s plan for their life. Lehi and his family weren’t given the whole plan once God told them to leave Jerusalem. They marched west and had to wait for many years until God told them to cross over the ocean where they would reach a new world, with new problems and no idea how to handle them. The Brother of Jared was not given the whole plan about how they would reach the promised land. They wandered through the wilderness and were tossed about on tiny boats in the sea. Ester was not told the entire plan of how to save her people and how the situation would end. These and many other figures had to walk in the darkness, only knowing that God had sent them on the journey and would not abandon them. 

The other piece of the puzzle I learned is that it’s okay to be fearful and mourn when those doors close on us, but that we must not get so absorbed in that fear or sadness that we no longer move forward. Lehi and his sons are saddened when they have to leave Jerusalem and for it’s impending doom. But Nephi and Sam do not allow themselves to sit in sadness and fear.  They reach into the dark and continue to move forward, because they know that God has directed them down that path. Their brothers meanwhile continue to allow their doubt, fear, and anger about their situation to fester and destroy them, leading them to father and cultivate a group of powerful non-believers.  Ester fears for her life, knowing full well that the king may murder her for coming to him unsummoned. But she has faith and trusts that God will be with her as she approaches King Ahasuerus and begs for the lives of her people.

 I especially appreciate the brother of Jared’s story because he does falter and fail to remember God’s purpose for him, but his failure doesn’t cripple his potential or his faith. In this part of the story Jared and his family have been wandering through the wilderness for years. They had previously followed God and packed up their families and belongings and finally had made it all the way to the sea. Then they all got so caught up at making it to the sea that they forgot God and what He wanted for them for 4 years. So much so that the Lord himself intervened. In Ether 2 verse 14-15 it reads “And it came to pass at the end of four years that the Lord came again unto the brother of Jared and stood in a cloud and talked with him. And for the space of three hours did the Lord talk with the brother of Jared, and chastened him because he remembered not to call upon the name of the Lord.And the brother of Jared repented of the evil which he had done, and did call upon the name of the Lord for his brethren who were with him. And the Lord said unto him: I will forgive thee and thy brethren for their sins; but thou shalt sin no more, for ye shall remember that my Spirit will not always strive with man; wherefore, if ye will sin until ye are fully ripe ye shall be cut off from the presence of the Lord. And these are my thoughts upon the land which I shall give you for an inheritance; for it shall be a land choice above all other lands.” Although the brother of Jared forgot to have faith in God and step out into the darkness on his plans, God still loved him. He loved him so much that the Lord himself came to speak to the brother of Jared and bring him back to stepping on faith. And he didn’t do in a way to spite the brother of Jared, he did it in a way that would bring him back, but also teach him a very valuable lesson. Eventually the brother of Jared took that lesson and ran with it, going on to make the boats to take them across the sea and had enough faith to ask God to use rocks to light their way in the darkness. 

These lessons came back to me as I was struggling through my two passions and purposes, science and motherhood. I want to start by saying that I appreciate and acknowledge that this is a sensitive subject and is one where each person is given their own distinct answer to their individual question. Since we all are uniquely created and designed by God for a purpose beyond ourselves, this answer for me might be different than the one that is given to you, but I hope it helps to illustrate an example of struggling to step out on faith and how it is possible to move beyond that struggle. 

In our current culture, there is a lot of pressure on people to be the best in everything. The best at their jobs, the best parents, the best at being fit, wearing the best clothes, being the smartest, and the list goes on and on. Somehow we are expected to do it all without breaking a sweat or breaking down entirely. Eventually, people hit a crossroad and are told they must make a choice about what to pursue, and I am no exception. I had family and friends telling me to give up science because motherhood was the only way to understand love and find purpose, while others told me motherhood wasn’t fulfilling for them and that I should stick to working. Many more seemed to say the worst thing I could do would be to do both. If I tried both I would surely fail.  I would damage my children and my husband beyond repair since I wouldn’t be there when they needed me. And I would never get any respect from the scientific community if I didn’t dedicate every waking minute to it. My life felt like it was being torn in two. In the midst of my confusion and sadness I turned to God, begging him to tell me what to do. I would follow where he led if only he would lead me. However, even after prayer I still felt as though I belonged in both worlds. I wondered why God would leave me grasping in the dark without a clear answer? 

In the midst of this, Elder Dale Renlund and his wife, Ruth, visited the YSAs in the area for a meeting. When I looked up more about them I found out she had been a civil litigation attorney AND a mother. She was someone who was in the church, had a family, and also had a thriving career. I got the feeling that I needed to be at this meeting. Elder Renlund wanted his wife to speak and answer questions for a significant portion of the time, which I came to understand once she started speaking. Sister Renlund was an eloquent, intelligent, faith-filled, and kind woman, and she answered the questions put before her with love, wisdom, and honesty. Someone asked her how she dealt with the external forces like friends and family commenting and trying to influence her she said “I always remember that they’re coming from a place of love. They wouldn’t share their opinions with me if they didn’t care. So I would say, as long as you’re following God, to ignore their advice with love.” It was an epiphany moment for me. It was like God said, “Allison you’ve spent a lot of time worrying about this and I’m trying to tell you that you need to move. I’ve given you a lot of different gifts, talents, and desires and you will need to use them ALL for me at some point, but you need to take a step forward now.” I had spent so much time agonizing over these paths that I had forgotten to step forward in faith. Once I made a few steps into the dark on faith, God’s light began to light my way. He brought people into my life who were struggling with the same things and I could fellowship with. He brought people who struggled with it in their time and they shared their resources and their knowledge with me.

All I had needed to do to access this peace of mind was simply trust God and step out on faith. Instead I had been looking for the easy path, the path lit up in front of me with big arrows telling me “this is where you need to go”. Like the brother of Jared I had been caught up in my own troubles, in my own fear and frustration, I had become complacant,I had stopped moving forward. And although he didn’t appear on a cloud to chasten me, he did bring the Renlunds to break me out of my own head, get me to repent and come back onto the path of walking on faith. Once I decided to trust God’s timing and follow his plan that’s when everything started to work out. 

Of course I know that I will not always be in the light of understanding with it comes to God’s plan. I know that one day I will need to have faith to step out and follow what I know and understand about God. But in those times, I hope I can remember Nephi’s question to his family in 1 Nephi 7: 12, “Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him?”  And remember that it’s by my faith that God can work, and to remember all of the times He has kept my footing sound, even when I can’t see the path in front of me. 

I testify that God will lead you where you need to go. And when you cannot see the path in front you if you step in the direction that God has pointed you, you will not falter in darkness for long. As long as we are keeping our covenants and doing our best to live the life he has set out for us, he will always be there. Even when we feel as though we are in darkness, we are not alone. And I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."

The best part of this talk was that people really responded to it. So many people came up to say that they felt the Spirit in that talk and that they understood that struggle. Many people asked if we could meet up another time and talk about it further because it really resonated with something they were going through. It was one of those moments where I felt that the walls I keep up were gone, but that it was okay, because being honest was more beneficial to me and to others than the walls. So in the end my crazy stressful week turned into something even more than that. It became a chance to express myself in a way I never expected but in a way I never realized I needed.

I'm so grateful for the opportunities that God gives me to strengthen and grow into the person he designed me to be. I'm extra thankful that he continues to bless me with people who can love and support me at all my phases in this journey down here and who can help me reach towards bigger, better, and deeper things.