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Saying Goodbye...but Not Really

Since I made this blog private several years ago, I feel as if it's become more of a journal of my own personal thoughts than a collection of writings of the family.  I have lots of invited readers, but really only Sarah and Ethan are regular readers of it.  With that, I feel the need to record my feelings tonight.

Tomorrow, John leaves State College behind.  He'll be driving from Port Matilda to Ypsilanti with four dogs in Greenie.  He's spent a lot of time this week, trying to get the house ready....for nothing.

I never honestly thought this day would come, but it has.  We are officially leaving our house behind, and we don't have a buyer in sight.  Our beautiful house full of so many memories.  Our land, a veritable Garden of Eden in the middle of the Commonwealth.  Even our trusty goldfish friends who are now trained as hand-fed creatures.

Nobody wants our house.  It is either too expensive, or too small, or too much land, or too near the road, or "just not the right fit".  We gave it a good two years to sell, and two different realtors tried to sell it, but to no avail.

And it makes me incredibly sad and even sick to the stomach to think of it, just sitting there empty.

The mortgage payment and the yearly tax bill on it are going to strangle us financially.  And yet, we'll keep paying on it.

I always envisioned sitting around the table at the bank, meeting the people who had fallen in love with our home.  I would tell them little things about the house that would make them love it even more.  We would hand over the keys and thank Heavenly Father that it had all worked out.

I've chastised myself over the last two years, telling myself that I haven't had enough faith.  That I haven't had hope.  That I haven't kept a positive attitude.  That I haven't depended enough on the faith of others.  That if I would just do all of these things better, Heavenly Father would reward me by helping me to sell the house.

People have had faith for us.  They have had their own small spiritual feelings about the house selling, and when I have felt like my faith is failing, I've leaned on theirs.  I've thanked Heavenly Father for the things that I've learned along the way.

But for some reason that I can't fathom, it just hasn't worked out for us.  It's been suggested that we just abandon the house and leave it to the bank.  I can't do it though.  It would be like abandoning one of my children.

My patriarchal blessing says that I will be "given the strength necessary to make the adjustments needed in the days ahead".  Tonight, I just don't feel like I have that strength anymore.  I have given so much to my belief and to my faith over the past two years about this.  I have believed that if I ask, I will receive.  Both John and I believed that a miracle would happen, and it would probably happen at the very last minute.

Tomorrow is the last minute, and there is no hope.  I feel really sad, and I wonder if I have the strength to move forward.

Only time will tell.

Comments

  1. Oh Larisa, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Knowing you, I believe you do have the strength to move forward. All I can think of to say are annoying platitudes, so I'll skip all that. Just know we love you, we're praying for you, and we'd do anything for you.

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