So, your missionary is coming home after serving a two year mission for your church? What a happy moment. I mean really--words can't begin to describe how HAPPY you are to see him! In all of that time, you have spoken to him for a total of three hours on the phone, and have received one email a week from him. You have sent countless letters, multiple packages (perhaps spending $60 on postage to send some Pop-Tarts), and have offered more prayers than you care to admit. Here are some fun ideas for a Kennedy-style homecoming:
1. Decide on the place where the missionary wants to come home before he even leaves on his mission. In our case, Interlochen. I mean, duh.
2. Think nothing about the homecoming while the missionary is away, because it will only cause sadness and heartbreak on your part. Plus, you don't want to instill any trunky feelings in your missionary.
3. Forget number two, because it's completely impossible.
4. After the church's missionary travel department sends you the final itinerary for your missionary (six months before his release date), begin formulating exactly how everyone is going to be at the airport to welcome him home. A non-missionary brother needs to come to Michigan, as does a dad. Lay aside some pennies and hope that you have accrued frequent flyer miles. Don't tell the best-friend brothers any of the plans.
5. As you look closer at the missionary's itinerary, imagine how happy the brothers would be if they were both on the same flight to Michigan. Spend two full days looking through itineraries, finding the perfect one, and ignore the fact that it will cost you $100 more. Reserve adjacent seats on the plane.
6. Send a Publisher's Clearing House type envelope to the non-missionary brother, telling him that he is a prize winner. Clue in his wife that this will be happening so she can record the whole letter-opening event on her phone. Laugh and laugh at his reaction as he realizes that he's actually coming home to see his brother get off the plane.
7. Spin a web of lies over the next three months, trying to keep the secrets safe. The missionary can't know that his brother is coming home at ALL, and the non-missionary brother can't know that he's flying home with his missionary brother. Speak slowly and type thoughtfully in any and all communication with either of them, trying to remember every detail of the last lie you told...along with the 100 others. Have your daughter actually find another itinerary that you can share with the non-missionary brother in case he asks any of the details of the missionary's itinerary....which he does. Plan on spending years climbing the ladder out of hell where all the liars are sent :-)
8. Decide one week before that we all need family reunion t-shirts. Thank the fates that your one
artistic daughter is actually home sick from camp and put her to work creating individual family Domos with the 48 different colored Sharpies that you just bought at Home Depot. Pay another week's income for rush delivery and pray that they will arrive at your home address before your husband catches his flight to Michigan.
9. Receive an email from United Airlines the day before the homecoming, telling you that a seat has been changed. Spend several minutes of your life that can never be reclaimed on hold, waiting to speak with a person who has an accent that will never be understood. Realize that it will take an act of God to change it back.
10. After the phone call, stop by Meijer to pick up a "few" things for the returned missionary--things that he hasn't had in a couple of years ;-)
11. The day of the missionary's arrival, call the non-missionary brother on FaceTime so that you can hopefully catch him and his reaction when he sees the missionary. Talk for over. an. hour. with nothing happening at all. Hang up with him while he goes to the food court at O'Hare, and call him back when it's time to board. Hear that he's boarding the plane, and begin to panic. Hang up. Wonder if the missionary still gets lost in airports (like he did when he was a kid), and wonder if he didn't make it through customs because he's on crutches. Realize that the only way to know his status is to ask his brother to ask at the desk.
12. Call non-missionary brother back, tell him that his brother should be there (stop for a second to appreciate the look of amazement on his face), and tell him to FIND HIS FREAKING BROTHER! After he hangs up, he walks up to the desk to ask, and who should see him, but his missionary brother? Hear that the look on his face was priceless....as was his reaction across a long row of people: WHAT.....THE.....HECK???? NO.....WAY!!!! Seeing as the flight was boarding, they walk on together, and convince another passenger to change seats so they can sit together from Chicago to Traverse City. They snap a picture, but the missionary, not having changed in some ways in two whole years, makes a face. Insist that they take a more normal one. Be satisfied with the result.
13. Stop by the Dollar Store on the way to the airport, because the missionary was disappointed when we didn't bring balloons to his brother's homecoming. Find the most ghetto dollar store on the planet; buy the bag of balloons, and the cheap string, and wait for the line of customers to end so that the only cashier/worker in the entire store can blow up the balloons...and I can slide my credit card yet again, but this time to pay for the helium. Walk out of the store and realize that instead of ten balloons in Russian colors (which also happen to be American colors), there are nine balloons in Russian colors....and one pink one. Sigh.
14. Let your heart fill with happiness, as you think of the two reunited brothers talking non-stop on the plan. Channel your inner cheer leader as your rehearse making the letters that will spell the missionary's name. Roll your eyes at your husband who thinks we look like goofballs.
15. Watch the passengers deplane. Wait anxiously to see The Boy. Recognize him with his limp and crutch. Hold yourself back as long as possible so that the security guard doesn't take you out and ruin the entire moment. Throw yourself into your boy's arms, and in the happiness of that moment, begin crying because you know that the sprained ankle is the least of the pain he has experienced for the last two years. Feel such happiness knowing that he is safe once again.
16. Recognize second son when after a few minutes, he says unobtrusively, "Hey Mama."
17. Gather the two large black suitcases that have held all of the missionary's worldly possessions for the past two years. Suitcases that have flown on airplanes and been dragged on buses and trains. For all the work over the past two years, they now hold those things most precious to the boy. And thank a guardian angel who paid for the extra baggage weight.
18. Ask The Boy where he wants to go for his first meal back in the States. Smile at his surprising choice of Cracker Barrel. Wait in the restaurant while he and his stake presidency father sit in the car, and his father releases him from being a missionary. See him reluctantly remove his missionary name badge.
19. Wince when he orders a hamburger and only gets three bites down. Understand that this is why he looks malnourished. See the joy on his face as he takes a sip of Dr. Pepper for the first time in two years. Laugh as he loudly and proudly mentions the KGB while looking upwards for surveillance devices. Listen to what will be only the beginning of so many stories of Russia and the people there. Sit back and wonder if this is all really happening.
20. Head straight back to camp so that Mark can be reunited with his ultimate devotee. His sister can't run fast enough as she sees him for the first time in two years, and the tears flow. The rest of us hooligans just try to keep the state birds of Michigan (i.e. mosquitos) at bay.
21. Head home for gifts. Suitcases full of memories and stories. Say the first family prayer in way too long. Thank Heavenly Father that our family is back together again. Then do what else? Play video games.
A perfect missionary homecoming.
1. Decide on the place where the missionary wants to come home before he even leaves on his mission. In our case, Interlochen. I mean, duh.
2. Think nothing about the homecoming while the missionary is away, because it will only cause sadness and heartbreak on your part. Plus, you don't want to instill any trunky feelings in your missionary.
3. Forget number two, because it's completely impossible.
4. After the church's missionary travel department sends you the final itinerary for your missionary (six months before his release date), begin formulating exactly how everyone is going to be at the airport to welcome him home. A non-missionary brother needs to come to Michigan, as does a dad. Lay aside some pennies and hope that you have accrued frequent flyer miles. Don't tell the best-friend brothers any of the plans.
5. As you look closer at the missionary's itinerary, imagine how happy the brothers would be if they were both on the same flight to Michigan. Spend two full days looking through itineraries, finding the perfect one, and ignore the fact that it will cost you $100 more. Reserve adjacent seats on the plane.
6. Send a Publisher's Clearing House type envelope to the non-missionary brother, telling him that he is a prize winner. Clue in his wife that this will be happening so she can record the whole letter-opening event on her phone. Laugh and laugh at his reaction as he realizes that he's actually coming home to see his brother get off the plane.
7. Spin a web of lies over the next three months, trying to keep the secrets safe. The missionary can't know that his brother is coming home at ALL, and the non-missionary brother can't know that he's flying home with his missionary brother. Speak slowly and type thoughtfully in any and all communication with either of them, trying to remember every detail of the last lie you told...along with the 100 others. Have your daughter actually find another itinerary that you can share with the non-missionary brother in case he asks any of the details of the missionary's itinerary....which he does. Plan on spending years climbing the ladder out of hell where all the liars are sent :-)
8. Decide one week before that we all need family reunion t-shirts. Thank the fates that your one
9. Receive an email from United Airlines the day before the homecoming, telling you that a seat has been changed. Spend several minutes of your life that can never be reclaimed on hold, waiting to speak with a person who has an accent that will never be understood. Realize that it will take an act of God to change it back.
10. After the phone call, stop by Meijer to pick up a "few" things for the returned missionary--things that he hasn't had in a couple of years ;-)
11. The day of the missionary's arrival, call the non-missionary brother on FaceTime so that you can hopefully catch him and his reaction when he sees the missionary. Talk for over. an. hour. with nothing happening at all. Hang up with him while he goes to the food court at O'Hare, and call him back when it's time to board. Hear that he's boarding the plane, and begin to panic. Hang up. Wonder if the missionary still gets lost in airports (like he did when he was a kid), and wonder if he didn't make it through customs because he's on crutches. Realize that the only way to know his status is to ask his brother to ask at the desk.
12. Call non-missionary brother back, tell him that his brother should be there (stop for a second to appreciate the look of amazement on his face), and tell him to FIND HIS FREAKING BROTHER! After he hangs up, he walks up to the desk to ask, and who should see him, but his missionary brother? Hear that the look on his face was priceless....as was his reaction across a long row of people: WHAT.....THE.....HECK???? NO.....WAY!!!! Seeing as the flight was boarding, they walk on together, and convince another passenger to change seats so they can sit together from Chicago to Traverse City. They snap a picture, but the missionary, not having changed in some ways in two whole years, makes a face. Insist that they take a more normal one. Be satisfied with the result.
13. Stop by the Dollar Store on the way to the airport, because the missionary was disappointed when we didn't bring balloons to his brother's homecoming. Find the most ghetto dollar store on the planet; buy the bag of balloons, and the cheap string, and wait for the line of customers to end so that the only cashier/worker in the entire store can blow up the balloons...and I can slide my credit card yet again, but this time to pay for the helium. Walk out of the store and realize that instead of ten balloons in Russian colors (which also happen to be American colors), there are nine balloons in Russian colors....and one pink one. Sigh.
14. Let your heart fill with happiness, as you think of the two reunited brothers talking non-stop on the plan. Channel your inner cheer leader as your rehearse making the letters that will spell the missionary's name. Roll your eyes at your husband who thinks we look like goofballs.
15. Watch the passengers deplane. Wait anxiously to see The Boy. Recognize him with his limp and crutch. Hold yourself back as long as possible so that the security guard doesn't take you out and ruin the entire moment. Throw yourself into your boy's arms, and in the happiness of that moment, begin crying because you know that the sprained ankle is the least of the pain he has experienced for the last two years. Feel such happiness knowing that he is safe once again.
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16. Recognize second son when after a few minutes, he says unobtrusively, "Hey Mama."
17. Gather the two large black suitcases that have held all of the missionary's worldly possessions for the past two years. Suitcases that have flown on airplanes and been dragged on buses and trains. For all the work over the past two years, they now hold those things most precious to the boy. And thank a guardian angel who paid for the extra baggage weight.
18. Ask The Boy where he wants to go for his first meal back in the States. Smile at his surprising choice of Cracker Barrel. Wait in the restaurant while he and his stake presidency father sit in the car, and his father releases him from being a missionary. See him reluctantly remove his missionary name badge.
19. Wince when he orders a hamburger and only gets three bites down. Understand that this is why he looks malnourished. See the joy on his face as he takes a sip of Dr. Pepper for the first time in two years. Laugh as he loudly and proudly mentions the KGB while looking upwards for surveillance devices. Listen to what will be only the beginning of so many stories of Russia and the people there. Sit back and wonder if this is all really happening.
20. Head straight back to camp so that Mark can be reunited with his ultimate devotee. His sister can't run fast enough as she sees him for the first time in two years, and the tears flow. The rest of us hooligans just try to keep the state birds of Michigan (i.e. mosquitos) at bay.
21. Head home for gifts. Suitcases full of memories and stories. Say the first family prayer in way too long. Thank Heavenly Father that our family is back together again. Then do what else? Play video games.
A perfect missionary homecoming.
Beautiful, perfect, and so very sweet!
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