Parenting Lessons I Would Teach My Younger Self (Could I Find a Time Machine That Would Take Me Back Twenty Years)
It is incomprehensible to me that in four short years, John and I will no longer have children living at
home. I feel as though we are just starting to get the hang of this parenting thing and I wonder if the knowledge we have gained as parents will ever be put to use again.
With that thought in mind, I would like to share some of these parenting gems with my young 20-year-old self. I was trying to figure out everything on my own, and I definitely made some mistakes along the way.
Don't expect perfection from a human being who is still learning to spell.
I held to the mentality that if my children weren't perfect, they wouldn't be anything in this world. This way of thinking stems from being a perfectionist myself, and it's unfortunate that I have only recently realized that it's an unreal expectation. Children have brand-spanking new bodies, including new cranial matter, and they are thrown into a world where they have much to learn: social cues, the alphabet, being kind, catching a ball. Teenagers are oftentimes just children in bigger bodies, but the world expects much more of them: time management skills, morality, budgeting their money, working, studying, driving. They are expected to shoulder many of the same responsibilities as adults with far fewer experience hours under their belts.
I recently heard this quote: success isn't perfection; it's progression. Expecting perfection causes the parent to focus on the negative; observing progression focuses on the positive. When our children are first learning to walk, we don't say to them, "You only took FIVE steps today? You should have taken TEN." No, we are encouraging and excited for them, and we praise them for having the courage to let go of the nearby chair. Do we do the same as they grow up? Do we praise them for choosing to write in their journals of their own volition? Do we praise them for their independent thoughts (especially when they don't mesh with our own)? Do we rejoice when they reach out to help a friend in need? I wish I had spent more hours noticing all the tiny good things that my kids did instead of pointing out to them all the things they hadn't done.
With that in mind...
Never underestimate your kids. Don't underestimate what they can do, nor who they are.
I see too many parents nowadays who believe in letting their children discover who they are, all on their own. This is fine for that child who is completely self-motivated, knows what he or she wants to be from the time they enter kindergarten and who represents 1% of the human population. For the rest of the children on the earth, they need direction. This direction can come in many forms: setting your own example for them, or suggesting different activities or studies and following through in helping them discover what suits them best. Once they find their niche, watch out, because they will quickly leave you in the dust (and this is a good thing). I have had opportunities to teach and interact with teenagers throughout my adult life, and they never cease to amaze me. Just when I think I know what they are going to say (or not say), or I try and guess what they will do, they say or do something that reminds me that the "teacher" is frequently the student.
When your family needs an opportunity to reconnect, go out to dinner.
I'm all for the philosophy that a family should eat dinner around the table each night together. However, with teenagers who are overly committed and for whom there aren't enough hours in the day, sitting around the dinner table can be a five minute affair. Hork down the food, clear your plate and GO! John and I are still unfolding our napkins, and the kids have moved onto their geometry homework or are finishing up their practicing.
Going OUT to dinner is an entirely different animal. With any luck, it will take a good 30-45 minutes to complete eating the meal (an appetizer or dessert will prolong it further), and no socially concerned child is going to bring their chemistry textbook into the restaurant. In our family, we only need bring up a social aspect of high school, and the conversation is off the charts. There is advice from one older sibling to a younger one, something that might not happen at home. There are moments where John and I get a fly-on-the-wall view into the daily lives of our children during school. It's an easy opportunity to offer help, or to share funny experiences from our own childhoods, reminding the kids that their lives won't peak during high school, thank goodness. It's important as a parent to be a listener, and in my experience, Aussie Cheese Fries or Boneless Buffalo Wings loosen the tongues of 12-18-year-olds in a way that no other food does.
Look at your checkbook and see where you spend money on "services". Encourage your children to get a job, doing anyone of those services.
I can't even count the amount of money our family has saved because John took a job in an auto body shop when he was in high school. I can't think of one repair that our cars have needed that John hasn't been able to fix. In the beginning of our marriage, he fixed the cars out of necessity (we couldn't afford to take them to a shop). Now, he fixes them because he can't stand to pay someone else to do it.
If I could go back in time, I would skip the data entry jobs, and I would work for a landscaping company. Every child will grow into an adult and at some point will have a mortgage, and chances are that mortgage is going to have an accompanying yard. It was "gardening by error" when we first began planting, weeding, mowing and pruning. Even now, we learn something new every time we decide that our ten acres needs a new flower bed. And making patios? Let's call it "paving by error", shall we? And sustaining a pond? Even after surviving three successful winters, we didn't prepare it well enough for the arctic blast that has blown through PA this winter, and we lost most of our koi, some of whom were worth upwards of $150.
Too, I have walked into too many homes whose walls are completely white and devoid of any decoration. I'm sorry people, but white walls with brown furniture and neutral colored carpet doesn't count as decorating. Have your child take some kind of art class (whether creating art or appreciating art) to teach them how to be bold with colors and to make their house interesting.
When I think of all the things John can fix in our home, I realize that most of his skills came of necessity, being the man of the house at the young age of 14 and living in abject poverty. Learning the ins and outs of electricity, plumbing and carpentry were survival.
Steer your children towards summer jobs that will not only put money in their wallet, but that will give them skills they can use the rest of their lives. I don't know too many people who become professional burger flippers.
Treat your second, third, and fourth child as if they are your firstborn.
I spent every waking moment with Ethan working puzzles, learning the alphabet, visiting zoos and reading books. With Mark, it was those things, although he gravitated more towards anything musical. I am ashamed to admit that I can't remember much of Johannah's or Glo's childhood. I know that they spent a great deal of time, following their older brothers around, but I didn't give them near as much devoted attention as I did their brothers. I told myself that I was too busy.
If I could go back now, I would hang up the phone, or cancel various appointments and spend more one-on-one time with them. They deserved it just as much as their brothers.
Put down the parenting magazines and take a dog obedience class.
In my mind, parenting magazines (and every other "resource" for parents) aren't trying to teach you how to parent at all. They are teaching you how to be Martha Stewart, a fine person who inspires those people who have creativity dripping from their fingers. If you aren't Martha, I give you the right to be your own kind of parent. I am a craft klutz and see no reason to junk up my home with useless, cheap art supplies. The only thing those magazines gave me was a heaping pile of guilt (covered in glitter, of course).
John and I once took a parenting class together in college. The teacher held to the point that children are much like baby chicks--they just need the right motivation to make good choices. In fact, there was a lab associated with the class where John and I (as lab partners) had to train a baby chick to perform a litany of different tricks. When I saw what was expected from the chick, I didn't believe it was possible. However, with the right motivation (seed), that chick did everything, and learned it all in a matter of minutes.
When my body would no longer produce another child, our family moved to animals. We started out with cats, an easy investment of time and resources. However, once we moved onto dogs, we realized that they could probably outsmart us if we didn't do something drastic. So I signed up for a dog obedience class. Yes, our oldest dog can now perform several tricks, and she's fairly well behaved, but I came out the ribbon-bearing winner in the end. I learned so much about simple dog minds and transferred that knowledge to children. Dogs need three things: exercise, discipline and affection. Not surprisingly, children need the same.
If you want to know how to raise your children (and how to get them to sit still for more than five seconds), take a dog obedience class. You'll thank me in the end.
Finally, when you are a young parent, and you think all is lost, find that elusive time machine and take a trip forward. Give yourself 10-20 years, depending on the age of your children now. You will be amazed at what they have become, and you will realize that you don't need to sweat the small stuff as much as you have been doing. Your children will amaze you with what they can do, and you'll realize that you just gave them a push and they did the rest.
With that thought in mind, I would like to share some of these parenting gems with my young 20-year-old self. I was trying to figure out everything on my own, and I definitely made some mistakes along the way.
Don't expect perfection from a human being who is still learning to spell.
I held to the mentality that if my children weren't perfect, they wouldn't be anything in this world. This way of thinking stems from being a perfectionist myself, and it's unfortunate that I have only recently realized that it's an unreal expectation. Children have brand-spanking new bodies, including new cranial matter, and they are thrown into a world where they have much to learn: social cues, the alphabet, being kind, catching a ball. Teenagers are oftentimes just children in bigger bodies, but the world expects much more of them: time management skills, morality, budgeting their money, working, studying, driving. They are expected to shoulder many of the same responsibilities as adults with far fewer experience hours under their belts.
I recently heard this quote: success isn't perfection; it's progression. Expecting perfection causes the parent to focus on the negative; observing progression focuses on the positive. When our children are first learning to walk, we don't say to them, "You only took FIVE steps today? You should have taken TEN." No, we are encouraging and excited for them, and we praise them for having the courage to let go of the nearby chair. Do we do the same as they grow up? Do we praise them for choosing to write in their journals of their own volition? Do we praise them for their independent thoughts (especially when they don't mesh with our own)? Do we rejoice when they reach out to help a friend in need? I wish I had spent more hours noticing all the tiny good things that my kids did instead of pointing out to them all the things they hadn't done.
With that in mind...
Never underestimate your kids. Don't underestimate what they can do, nor who they are.
I see too many parents nowadays who believe in letting their children discover who they are, all on their own. This is fine for that child who is completely self-motivated, knows what he or she wants to be from the time they enter kindergarten and who represents 1% of the human population. For the rest of the children on the earth, they need direction. This direction can come in many forms: setting your own example for them, or suggesting different activities or studies and following through in helping them discover what suits them best. Once they find their niche, watch out, because they will quickly leave you in the dust (and this is a good thing). I have had opportunities to teach and interact with teenagers throughout my adult life, and they never cease to amaze me. Just when I think I know what they are going to say (or not say), or I try and guess what they will do, they say or do something that reminds me that the "teacher" is frequently the student.
When your family needs an opportunity to reconnect, go out to dinner.
I'm all for the philosophy that a family should eat dinner around the table each night together. However, with teenagers who are overly committed and for whom there aren't enough hours in the day, sitting around the dinner table can be a five minute affair. Hork down the food, clear your plate and GO! John and I are still unfolding our napkins, and the kids have moved onto their geometry homework or are finishing up their practicing.
Going OUT to dinner is an entirely different animal. With any luck, it will take a good 30-45 minutes to complete eating the meal (an appetizer or dessert will prolong it further), and no socially concerned child is going to bring their chemistry textbook into the restaurant. In our family, we only need bring up a social aspect of high school, and the conversation is off the charts. There is advice from one older sibling to a younger one, something that might not happen at home. There are moments where John and I get a fly-on-the-wall view into the daily lives of our children during school. It's an easy opportunity to offer help, or to share funny experiences from our own childhoods, reminding the kids that their lives won't peak during high school, thank goodness. It's important as a parent to be a listener, and in my experience, Aussie Cheese Fries or Boneless Buffalo Wings loosen the tongues of 12-18-year-olds in a way that no other food does.
Look at your checkbook and see where you spend money on "services". Encourage your children to get a job, doing anyone of those services.
I can't even count the amount of money our family has saved because John took a job in an auto body shop when he was in high school. I can't think of one repair that our cars have needed that John hasn't been able to fix. In the beginning of our marriage, he fixed the cars out of necessity (we couldn't afford to take them to a shop). Now, he fixes them because he can't stand to pay someone else to do it.
If I could go back in time, I would skip the data entry jobs, and I would work for a landscaping company. Every child will grow into an adult and at some point will have a mortgage, and chances are that mortgage is going to have an accompanying yard. It was "gardening by error" when we first began planting, weeding, mowing and pruning. Even now, we learn something new every time we decide that our ten acres needs a new flower bed. And making patios? Let's call it "paving by error", shall we? And sustaining a pond? Even after surviving three successful winters, we didn't prepare it well enough for the arctic blast that has blown through PA this winter, and we lost most of our koi, some of whom were worth upwards of $150.
Too, I have walked into too many homes whose walls are completely white and devoid of any decoration. I'm sorry people, but white walls with brown furniture and neutral colored carpet doesn't count as decorating. Have your child take some kind of art class (whether creating art or appreciating art) to teach them how to be bold with colors and to make their house interesting.
When I think of all the things John can fix in our home, I realize that most of his skills came of necessity, being the man of the house at the young age of 14 and living in abject poverty. Learning the ins and outs of electricity, plumbing and carpentry were survival.
Steer your children towards summer jobs that will not only put money in their wallet, but that will give them skills they can use the rest of their lives. I don't know too many people who become professional burger flippers.
Treat your second, third, and fourth child as if they are your firstborn.
I spent every waking moment with Ethan working puzzles, learning the alphabet, visiting zoos and reading books. With Mark, it was those things, although he gravitated more towards anything musical. I am ashamed to admit that I can't remember much of Johannah's or Glo's childhood. I know that they spent a great deal of time, following their older brothers around, but I didn't give them near as much devoted attention as I did their brothers. I told myself that I was too busy.
If I could go back now, I would hang up the phone, or cancel various appointments and spend more one-on-one time with them. They deserved it just as much as their brothers.
Put down the parenting magazines and take a dog obedience class.
In my mind, parenting magazines (and every other "resource" for parents) aren't trying to teach you how to parent at all. They are teaching you how to be Martha Stewart, a fine person who inspires those people who have creativity dripping from their fingers. If you aren't Martha, I give you the right to be your own kind of parent. I am a craft klutz and see no reason to junk up my home with useless, cheap art supplies. The only thing those magazines gave me was a heaping pile of guilt (covered in glitter, of course).
John and I once took a parenting class together in college. The teacher held to the point that children are much like baby chicks--they just need the right motivation to make good choices. In fact, there was a lab associated with the class where John and I (as lab partners) had to train a baby chick to perform a litany of different tricks. When I saw what was expected from the chick, I didn't believe it was possible. However, with the right motivation (seed), that chick did everything, and learned it all in a matter of minutes.
When my body would no longer produce another child, our family moved to animals. We started out with cats, an easy investment of time and resources. However, once we moved onto dogs, we realized that they could probably outsmart us if we didn't do something drastic. So I signed up for a dog obedience class. Yes, our oldest dog can now perform several tricks, and she's fairly well behaved, but I came out the ribbon-bearing winner in the end. I learned so much about simple dog minds and transferred that knowledge to children. Dogs need three things: exercise, discipline and affection. Not surprisingly, children need the same.
If you want to know how to raise your children (and how to get them to sit still for more than five seconds), take a dog obedience class. You'll thank me in the end.
Finally, when you are a young parent, and you think all is lost, find that elusive time machine and take a trip forward. Give yourself 10-20 years, depending on the age of your children now. You will be amazed at what they have become, and you will realize that you don't need to sweat the small stuff as much as you have been doing. Your children will amaze you with what they can do, and you'll realize that you just gave them a push and they did the rest.
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With just a few months left before we become empty nesters, I can totally relate to everything you said here! The happy news is that Becca is a wonderful mother to a one week old, beautiful baby girl who does not like to sleep at night. Becca is doing a great job with patience that she did not get from me (much). Life moves forward and our kids do amazing things, sometime despite what we did that we would change. I am grateful for tender mercies like that! Thanks for the post!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this, thank you!
ReplyDeletethis was perfect for me right now!
ReplyDelete