People frequently comment on, or ask me about the relationship I have with my kids. They often want to know "my secret" to being such good friends to my children. I have tried in the past to describe what I think is the solution, but I haven't really been able to put my finger on it. However, I spent yesterday in Philadelphia, chaperoning a field trip of teenagers, and while nursing a cold today, I was watching a movie which included the stereotypical sassy-mouthed, trashy-clothed teenagers. I think I figured it out.
We try to give our children everything that we think we will be good for them. For some people, this is a lot of "stuff" which just makes for spoiled, entitled children. Others deprive their children of anything special or fun (trying to avoid entitlement) which just makes for angry, resentful children. There are a lot of gifts we can give our children, but I think one of the most important gifts we can give them is a sense of who they are, and why they are here on the earth.
Surprisingly, I am not speaking of a spiritual heritage. In our church, we teach our children that they come from Heavenly Father, and that they are children of God. While this is the most important identity they can have, I believe there is another form that is frequently forgotten.
I believe it is important to help children recognize that they have certain gifts or qualities because of the family members who came before them. These family members can include parents, grandparents, or any number of ancestors. However, we as parents need to recognize what traits we specifically give to our kids, and we must help them recognize them and appreciate them.
The life of a teenager can be a time of confusion, anxiety and depression. I believe that these feelings stem from a loss of identity, and many teenagers turn to the media and their peers to try and figure out exactly who they are. The media is no guiding light, and all of those peers are simply trying to find their own way too.
My children and I are such good friends because we share our lives with each other, and a huge part of my sharing? Stories from my childhood (both successes and failures), stories from my family, and stories of our ancestors. I don't believe there was a time when I wasn't sharing pieces of my life with my children, and I believe that we are closer because of it.
(As a disclaimer, I am writing this solely from my life and experience. While John has also contributed immensely to who our children are, I'll leave it to him to write about his own influence. I anxiously await hearing about Padain Fain, and Halloween.)
A few examples:
Politics: I grew up with two very conservative grandfathers. I will never forget watching the Oliver North trial with my Granddad McMillin (I think I was about ten years old). Col. North seemed so obviously guilty to me, but my granddad defended him to a fault, taking the view that Col. North was simply following orders. My other granddad, G-Dad Caruthers, not only praised every Republican, but he slandered every Democrat. The devil is an angel, compared to a Democrat. I don't know that there were two more conservative men on the planet than my grandfathers.
On the other hand, my mother is a staunch Democrat. She was active in the civil rights movement, and is a strong supporter of any environmental issue. CNN is her channel of choice, and she lives in Ann Arbor. During the early 70's, she would send out a newsletter entitled "The Barbed Wire" (a clever play on her name, Barbara), and she had much to say about "Tricky Dick" and every other member of the Republican party. I grew up reading Time Magazine and USA Today, news publications that I still enjoy reading.
Growing up, I heard both sides of every story. During the summertime (when I lived with my grandparents), I listened to Paul Harvey over lunch and came to believe that conservatism was God's voice to humanity. During the school months (when I lived with my mother), I listened to NPR and worried about every underserved member of the human and animal population.
As Ethan grew out of sippy cups and attended school, he started listening to discussions I would have with anyone about politics and he began reading the magazines and newspapers himself. As I took much flack for being a Mormon Democrat, I stopped discussing much with anyone outside of the family, but very soon, Ethan was more than happy to talk politics with me. In the beginning, it was more of him asking me my opinion about certain things, or him listening to me rant about the policies of George W. Bush. I would give my opinion, but I would frequently point out the benefit to both sides' arguments. I felt that while we can rarely remain neutral, it is always important to understand the motivation behind all arguments. After a while, it was him calling me up (from college) and asking me if I had heard about some US policy, or asking my opinion about some happening around the world. I took to reading headlines daily just so that I could keep up with him.
When Ethan was attending American (a very liberal school), he felt like he sided far more with the conservative party. However, now that he is at BYU, his views can be more liberal, or at least more global than most of the other students. Up until this point in time, he thought he wanted to do something in government with creating policy, but working in Belgium has given him a new view. I listened with interest when he spoke about auditors, people who take a completely non-biased view on policy and present their findings without leaning to one side or the other.
I won't let this moment slip without reminding him of why he is able to look at anything and remain neutral. At least three generations of political interest has led to this point in time for him. This didn't happen by chance.
Geographic Ancestry: I believe that a large part of who we are is created in the places where we live. While I would give my right arm to live in Michigan or Germany at this point, I am quick to remind my children that I am originally from the South.
Until I was 13 years old, I grew up in Lubbock, Texas and Tallahassee, Florida. Back in the day, hospitality was a virtue, and both my mother and my grandparents were subscribers to this action. A Sunday didn't pass without my mother making fried chicken, potatoes, jello and chocolate cake (or pudding parfaits), a wonderful motivator for making it through three hours of church!
And my G-Mother Caruthers? I don't know how many times I went grocery shopping with her at the local Publix to buy steaks, potatoes, watermelon and ingredients for "Caruthers' cocktails" (a combination of ginger ale and cranberry juice) for dinner guests. After dinner, there was a solid hour of singing around the piano and no one was exempt! Above all, it was the goal of my grandmother to show everyone a good time and to make them feel welcome. I suspect for a lot of her guests, it was a time to step back from real life and enjoy being fed, both body and soul.
My children have grown up with a legacy of us entertaining. They seriously know how to get a house clean in ten minutes or less--shall we remember the time that Elder Richard G. Scott was only minutes away? They know exactly what to do for their own parties. And when we are expecting people to stay a while, they know that drill too. Fresh sheets and towels, vacuuming, and everything gets put on hold while we are entertaining the guests. They know how to set a table, and they know how to lay out a spread. Whatever child has a driver's license at the moment even offers to go grocery shopping. Too, there is no rolling of the eyes when I ask them to play something for our guests--they head straight to their instrument cases and get ready.
Also, they know how to put people at ease, at least the boys do so far. There is something genteel about being able to carry a conversation by listening. Asking a thought provoking question, and allowing a guest to freely respond without feeling any need to share our own opinion. Or, if the conversation is difficult, having enough to say to keep it going. After all, I never met a Southerner who didn't know how to talk.
Too, my children and I have been teased about the fact that they still call me "Mommy" (although both Mark and Ethan have changed it to "Mama"). It's a Southern thing, and even today, while watching the aforementioned movie, they saw a polite, Southern, teenage boy call his father "Daddy". I won't allow "Mom" or "Dad"--it's not who we are.
The beautiful thing about this? They know why they do it. They know about my mother, and my grandparents. They have heard the stories of going to "Aunt Ruth's" for Thanksgiving and seeing fried okra on the table. They see Southern kids calling their parents the same thing that I demand of them. They recognize that this is part of their heritage. This is who they are.
Patriotism: My great-grandfather fought in WWI. Both of my grandfathers fought in WWII. Both my father and my husband served in the Air Force. I don't even know how many years of service those men would have between the five of them, but you better believe that when the national anthem is played at any event, we stand, our hearts are covered with our right hands and we sing. Yes, we get looks from everyone around (especially kids), but we make no excuse. Too many people have fought or died for us and our freedom to be embarrassed.
Music: I honestly don't know what our family would be without music. I know that as my children have gone through high school, there have been times that music has been the only redeeming moment of the day, either in choir or in their own practice hour. Whatever your opinion on nature vs. nurture, in our family, music runs in the blood.
Pushing ourselves beyond what is comfortable: Let's see. My great aunt is Virginia Apgar, the creator of the APGAR score given to newborns. She went to medical school in the 1930's...as a woman. My father was a pilot in the Air Force...but he also built a sailplane in his front yard and made a harpsicord for me as a baby. Have I ever mentioned any of the marathons I completed....and I'm not a runner, or the fact that we moved to Germany....and John spoke Spanish?
In our family, we have a motto, "This is what we do!" and historically speaking, this is what my family has always done. We don't settle, and we appreciate that life wouldn't be LIFE if we weren't pushing ourselves to do more.
Sacrifice: What sacrifice did you make so that your kids can have the lives they have today? I think it's important for children to understand that their lives didn't just "happen". What would you have done differently, and what did you do that had surprising benefits?
It's hard on me, not having a career. I gave up a lot for my kids, and you better believe that I never let them forget it. It's not that I hang it over their heads as some kind of guilt trip, but I remind them of what I did so that they will have no reservations someday in making some kind of sacrifice also. I want them to understand that it will be hard to sacrifice at the time, and they may end up making more sacrifices because of the initial choice, but it will be worth it.
While every family is different, and each legacy varies, I can't stress the importance of leaving a legacy to our children. It's important for them to understand why they are the way they are, and to take pride in the good and the not-so-good. It's valuable to look at the past and examine the lives of those who have gone before and find the similarities in their own personalities. It might require that you look at your family a bit deeper, or be a bit more introspective, or, heaven forbid, do some genealogy! However, when the obstacles come and we wonder if we have the gumption to continue on, we can gather up the skills, values and traits of our families and press on. It will draw us closer to those people and to each other.
Of course, my kids wouldn't know any of this without me TALKING to them (like a good Southerner, right?) This involves talking and listening on both sides, and you need to make it fun. If it's a lecture, you've lost them. After that though, I can say that the reason my children and I are so close is because I have helped them understand who they are and why they do the things they do.
We try to give our children everything that we think we will be good for them. For some people, this is a lot of "stuff" which just makes for spoiled, entitled children. Others deprive their children of anything special or fun (trying to avoid entitlement) which just makes for angry, resentful children. There are a lot of gifts we can give our children, but I think one of the most important gifts we can give them is a sense of who they are, and why they are here on the earth.
Surprisingly, I am not speaking of a spiritual heritage. In our church, we teach our children that they come from Heavenly Father, and that they are children of God. While this is the most important identity they can have, I believe there is another form that is frequently forgotten.
I believe it is important to help children recognize that they have certain gifts or qualities because of the family members who came before them. These family members can include parents, grandparents, or any number of ancestors. However, we as parents need to recognize what traits we specifically give to our kids, and we must help them recognize them and appreciate them.
The life of a teenager can be a time of confusion, anxiety and depression. I believe that these feelings stem from a loss of identity, and many teenagers turn to the media and their peers to try and figure out exactly who they are. The media is no guiding light, and all of those peers are simply trying to find their own way too.
My children and I are such good friends because we share our lives with each other, and a huge part of my sharing? Stories from my childhood (both successes and failures), stories from my family, and stories of our ancestors. I don't believe there was a time when I wasn't sharing pieces of my life with my children, and I believe that we are closer because of it.
(As a disclaimer, I am writing this solely from my life and experience. While John has also contributed immensely to who our children are, I'll leave it to him to write about his own influence. I anxiously await hearing about Padain Fain, and Halloween.)
A few examples:
Politics: I grew up with two very conservative grandfathers. I will never forget watching the Oliver North trial with my Granddad McMillin (I think I was about ten years old). Col. North seemed so obviously guilty to me, but my granddad defended him to a fault, taking the view that Col. North was simply following orders. My other granddad, G-Dad Caruthers, not only praised every Republican, but he slandered every Democrat. The devil is an angel, compared to a Democrat. I don't know that there were two more conservative men on the planet than my grandfathers.
On the other hand, my mother is a staunch Democrat. She was active in the civil rights movement, and is a strong supporter of any environmental issue. CNN is her channel of choice, and she lives in Ann Arbor. During the early 70's, she would send out a newsletter entitled "The Barbed Wire" (a clever play on her name, Barbara), and she had much to say about "Tricky Dick" and every other member of the Republican party. I grew up reading Time Magazine and USA Today, news publications that I still enjoy reading.
Growing up, I heard both sides of every story. During the summertime (when I lived with my grandparents), I listened to Paul Harvey over lunch and came to believe that conservatism was God's voice to humanity. During the school months (when I lived with my mother), I listened to NPR and worried about every underserved member of the human and animal population.
As Ethan grew out of sippy cups and attended school, he started listening to discussions I would have with anyone about politics and he began reading the magazines and newspapers himself. As I took much flack for being a Mormon Democrat, I stopped discussing much with anyone outside of the family, but very soon, Ethan was more than happy to talk politics with me. In the beginning, it was more of him asking me my opinion about certain things, or him listening to me rant about the policies of George W. Bush. I would give my opinion, but I would frequently point out the benefit to both sides' arguments. I felt that while we can rarely remain neutral, it is always important to understand the motivation behind all arguments. After a while, it was him calling me up (from college) and asking me if I had heard about some US policy, or asking my opinion about some happening around the world. I took to reading headlines daily just so that I could keep up with him.
When Ethan was attending American (a very liberal school), he felt like he sided far more with the conservative party. However, now that he is at BYU, his views can be more liberal, or at least more global than most of the other students. Up until this point in time, he thought he wanted to do something in government with creating policy, but working in Belgium has given him a new view. I listened with interest when he spoke about auditors, people who take a completely non-biased view on policy and present their findings without leaning to one side or the other.
I won't let this moment slip without reminding him of why he is able to look at anything and remain neutral. At least three generations of political interest has led to this point in time for him. This didn't happen by chance.
Geographic Ancestry: I believe that a large part of who we are is created in the places where we live. While I would give my right arm to live in Michigan or Germany at this point, I am quick to remind my children that I am originally from the South.
Until I was 13 years old, I grew up in Lubbock, Texas and Tallahassee, Florida. Back in the day, hospitality was a virtue, and both my mother and my grandparents were subscribers to this action. A Sunday didn't pass without my mother making fried chicken, potatoes, jello and chocolate cake (or pudding parfaits), a wonderful motivator for making it through three hours of church!
And my G-Mother Caruthers? I don't know how many times I went grocery shopping with her at the local Publix to buy steaks, potatoes, watermelon and ingredients for "Caruthers' cocktails" (a combination of ginger ale and cranberry juice) for dinner guests. After dinner, there was a solid hour of singing around the piano and no one was exempt! Above all, it was the goal of my grandmother to show everyone a good time and to make them feel welcome. I suspect for a lot of her guests, it was a time to step back from real life and enjoy being fed, both body and soul.
My children have grown up with a legacy of us entertaining. They seriously know how to get a house clean in ten minutes or less--shall we remember the time that Elder Richard G. Scott was only minutes away? They know exactly what to do for their own parties. And when we are expecting people to stay a while, they know that drill too. Fresh sheets and towels, vacuuming, and everything gets put on hold while we are entertaining the guests. They know how to set a table, and they know how to lay out a spread. Whatever child has a driver's license at the moment even offers to go grocery shopping. Too, there is no rolling of the eyes when I ask them to play something for our guests--they head straight to their instrument cases and get ready.
Also, they know how to put people at ease, at least the boys do so far. There is something genteel about being able to carry a conversation by listening. Asking a thought provoking question, and allowing a guest to freely respond without feeling any need to share our own opinion. Or, if the conversation is difficult, having enough to say to keep it going. After all, I never met a Southerner who didn't know how to talk.
Too, my children and I have been teased about the fact that they still call me "Mommy" (although both Mark and Ethan have changed it to "Mama"). It's a Southern thing, and even today, while watching the aforementioned movie, they saw a polite, Southern, teenage boy call his father "Daddy". I won't allow "Mom" or "Dad"--it's not who we are.
The beautiful thing about this? They know why they do it. They know about my mother, and my grandparents. They have heard the stories of going to "Aunt Ruth's" for Thanksgiving and seeing fried okra on the table. They see Southern kids calling their parents the same thing that I demand of them. They recognize that this is part of their heritage. This is who they are.
Patriotism: My great-grandfather fought in WWI. Both of my grandfathers fought in WWII. Both my father and my husband served in the Air Force. I don't even know how many years of service those men would have between the five of them, but you better believe that when the national anthem is played at any event, we stand, our hearts are covered with our right hands and we sing. Yes, we get looks from everyone around (especially kids), but we make no excuse. Too many people have fought or died for us and our freedom to be embarrassed.
Music: I honestly don't know what our family would be without music. I know that as my children have gone through high school, there have been times that music has been the only redeeming moment of the day, either in choir or in their own practice hour. Whatever your opinion on nature vs. nurture, in our family, music runs in the blood.
Pushing ourselves beyond what is comfortable: Let's see. My great aunt is Virginia Apgar, the creator of the APGAR score given to newborns. She went to medical school in the 1930's...as a woman. My father was a pilot in the Air Force...but he also built a sailplane in his front yard and made a harpsicord for me as a baby. Have I ever mentioned any of the marathons I completed....and I'm not a runner, or the fact that we moved to Germany....and John spoke Spanish?
In our family, we have a motto, "This is what we do!" and historically speaking, this is what my family has always done. We don't settle, and we appreciate that life wouldn't be LIFE if we weren't pushing ourselves to do more.
Sacrifice: What sacrifice did you make so that your kids can have the lives they have today? I think it's important for children to understand that their lives didn't just "happen". What would you have done differently, and what did you do that had surprising benefits?
It's hard on me, not having a career. I gave up a lot for my kids, and you better believe that I never let them forget it. It's not that I hang it over their heads as some kind of guilt trip, but I remind them of what I did so that they will have no reservations someday in making some kind of sacrifice also. I want them to understand that it will be hard to sacrifice at the time, and they may end up making more sacrifices because of the initial choice, but it will be worth it.
While every family is different, and each legacy varies, I can't stress the importance of leaving a legacy to our children. It's important for them to understand why they are the way they are, and to take pride in the good and the not-so-good. It's valuable to look at the past and examine the lives of those who have gone before and find the similarities in their own personalities. It might require that you look at your family a bit deeper, or be a bit more introspective, or, heaven forbid, do some genealogy! However, when the obstacles come and we wonder if we have the gumption to continue on, we can gather up the skills, values and traits of our families and press on. It will draw us closer to those people and to each other.
Of course, my kids wouldn't know any of this without me TALKING to them (like a good Southerner, right?) This involves talking and listening on both sides, and you need to make it fun. If it's a lecture, you've lost them. After that though, I can say that the reason my children and I are so close is because I have helped them understand who they are and why they do the things they do.
Larisa,
ReplyDeleteYou are a beautiful person, you have a beautiful family, and this is beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your family with us.
Memory