Finding Family...and Some Sense of Who I Am

There are almost more studies about the role of supportive parenting in raising a confident child than there are fish in the sea.  I think it goes unsaid that when a child feels loved and supported at home, he will feel more confident, heading out into the big, scary world.  That child knows that there is always a shoulder to cry on at home as well as the greatest group of cheerleaders!

I know that many of my insecurities stem from some rather traumatic events of my childhood, and I made it my life goal to let not my children grow up the same way.  While John and I have been their harshest critics at times, I believe that our children have always known that above all, we love them and we will never abandon them.

I was blessed to reconnect with my half-sister, Meg Apgar Lyman, this past spring (she was named for our paternal grandmother, Margaret Elinor Parsons).  It's a funny story.  We were "friends" on Facebook, but nothing more.  It wasn't until I was out mowing the grass one day, and I looked up in the sky to see three gliders (aka sailplanes) riding a thermal in the big blue sky.  I thought of our deceased father, Rick Apgar, a glider pilot, and shared that story with Meg.  It was as if the long-lost family floodgates opened, and we began corresponding.  I'm not talking letters.  I'm talking questions over Facebook...and lots of answers.  The questions ranged from what three foods we would take to a deserted island to how we viewed our relationship with God.  After I would answer a question, I would ask my own question of Meg...and I could hardly wait for the response.  Really, I think I must have checked my Facebook account more in one day than I had checked it previously in a week!  After she answered, I would share my own answer, and she would start with another question.  It was an absolutely delicious way to get to know each other!

In all honesty, I had always wondered exactly what it would be like to have a sibling.  While being an only child has a few advantages, I have seen a camaraderie among my children that is unrivaled (and one that makes me rather jealous).  While I don't share a mother with Meg (although I adored her mother as a child), it didn't seem to make much difference--I felt like I had a family friend.

Meg and her family came for a visit this past week.  It was a bit of a crazy time, seeing as John, the girls and I had just returned from Interlochen (and hadn't even unpacked our suitcases), but I was so thankful that she was willing to come see me!  And the thought that I can hardly even process?  This isn't a one-time deal--we will see each other again! In fact, I think she might think I'm worth seeing again. Isn't that incredible?  In other words (and I tear up a bit as I write this), I'm not alone anymore.

Fast forward two days.  Even though Ethan and Rebecca have been engaged for almost two months now, I had not yet met Rebecca.  Hannie had been around her a couple of times and John had met her entire family, but nothing for me.  I heard only the best things about her, but in all honesty, I was very nervous to meet her.  I suspect that mothers of marriageable young men will understand, but for those who have yet to experience this, being the mother of the groom can be a bit disconcerting.  You aren't exactly included in most of the wedding plans, and there's the thought that you are losing your son.  Afterall, where do most young married couples go for holidays?  To the home of the bride.  Or, when a baby is born, what family member is there first?  The mother of the new mother (and not the mother of the new father).  I don't think most women will admit to this, but trust me--I've had several friends (who have young men who will soon be thinking of marriage) ask me if it's a hard thing to let your son get married.  Yes, it is.

Not having lots of extended family, it especially feels like a loss to me.  Ethan was the start of all the kid happiness we've had for the past 22 years.  He's been there for pretty much everything (poverty and wealth, more sibling arrivals), and he's always been one of my dearest friends.  In a family that isn't particularly interested in discussing politics or sports, Ethan is a mainstay for me for conversations around those subjects.  He remembers to call me every couple of days.  Not having a point of reference, I really did worry that I was losing him.

Thankfully, Rebecca set up a dinner date for us to meet her and her parents just days after we got home from Michigan.  No Ethan (he's still at school in Utah); just us.  Again, John reassured me that I would love her.

And in all honesty, all I had to do was walk up to her in front of Olive Garden, give her a teeny tiny hug (because that's what she is--teeny tiny), and my heart just filled with love for her.  Like I told Ethan, I don't think I could have hand-picked a better girl for him.  She's smart, polished, happy, and just nice.  Nice isn't usually a word that most people would want pegged to them, but take every good reference you can about that word, and it all applies to Rebecca.  In other words, I don't think she has a mean bone in her body.  As I sat there for two hours with her and her parents, I could just feel the goodness oozing out of her.  And what more could I ask for for my boy?  All of the things that I wouldn't want in a wife for my son?  You know, things like "drama queen", or "high maintenance"?  She doesn't have a drop of any of that in her.  She is absolutely delightful.

Meeting her parents (and actually talking more to them), I give them so much credit for who she is, because they are all the things she is:  kind, loving, and smart.  And on a personal note, her father is completely fascinating to both John and me, seeing as he is a dairy farmer.  I mean, come on, who the heck is a dairy farmer nowadays?  Way, way cool.  They have obviously raised Rebecca to be the amazing girl she is, and my heart overflowed with thankfulness to them for that.

So, as the girls and I finally got to decompress today, a new feeling came over me.  For the past 23 years, I have held tight to the idea that it's just John, me and the kids.  However, after meeting Meg and Rebecca, I realized that my family just might be expanding a bit.  There might be some people I can actually call on the phone who are my family (but who don't have the last name of Kennedy...yet) :-)

And here's the craziest thing.  Having these new family members in my life makes me feel a little bit better about myself.  I feel like I might be tying up my six-person rowboat to the extended family cruise ship.  Having a sister and another "daughter" makes me feel like I might be getting a bit closer to "normal" on the family scale, and that my friends, gives me a greater sense of being "me".  I guess it doesn't matter if it's a child with supportive parents, or a parent with supportive children and siblings--it's all about feeling the love.