Several years ago, I read a magazine article entitled "The Pitfalls of Parallel Marriage" (The Ensign, 2000). I was intrigued by the title, wondering what the definition of a parallel marriage was. Here is how the author of the article described it:
A husband and wife describe their relationship as confusing and contradictory. They don't fight and quarrel, don't criticize and demean, don't ignore one another. They sincerely love each other and care about one another's welfare. Yet they are bored and dissatisfied with the relationship. They don't seem to have the fun they had in the early years of their marriage or when they were courting.
This type of devitalized relationship has been labeled a "parallel marriage." Just as parallel lines lie in the same plane but never touch, a husband and wife can live in the same house but without closeness. They often sense proximity but seldom togetherness. It is as though they are walking down a railroad track each going in the same direction but on separate rails. They discuss their children and their finances, but they seldom discuss their feelings about each other or about their marriage.
There was an illustration that accompanied this article, showing a man and woman walking toward the same goal but on different paths. They could still see each other, but they weren't walking together. It has stuck with me through the years.
There are times when I can feel that John and I are headed toward a parallel marriage. It's not that either of us want this to happen, but life gets in the way. We become so busy with our responsibilities of work, church and exercise (John) and taking care of the house and kids (Larisa) that we don't find much time to work on anything together. We are still working for happiness, but we are doing it alone.
When I sense this happening, I pull the emergency cord on the train, and we both lurch forward. I insist that our lives come to a halt for a moment while we regroup. After all, in the end, nothing is more important in the grand scheme of things than my relationship with my husband--if it's working and in order, everything else will fall into place.
I told John that I felt it was time to rethink things. Were we spending enough time together? Well, John, bless his heart, took this to heart in three distinct ways:
Step One: Our stake is currently involved in a Family History indexing project. There is a contest going on between the adults and the youth--who can index more names? While I would prefer that the stake jump right into full-blown family history research, this is a first step in piquing the interest of people in family history. John, being in the stake presidency, felt that he needed to support this project--he couldn't rightly encourage others to participate if he wasn't doing it himself.
So, one Saturday, he asked me to sit down with him and show him how it's done.
**brakes squealing**
What? John wanted me to help him do something with Family History? I knew the planets must have aligned for this to happen!
The crazy thing? Once he started, I couldn't stop him. He found these old hand-written Spanish birth and baptism records, and there is no way to describe working with them except joyful. In fact, where I index just to harvest the information and move onto the next record, John couldn't help but read the entire record. He felt a closeness to those newborn babies, and seeing John enjoying indexing, I felt a closeness to him.
Step Two: I have joined a bell choir. I invited John to come and listen to us, because he never has a free moment to attend one of our performances on Sunday. Johannah couldn't go because she had a different rehearsal. John said he'd do one better--he wanted to PLAY with the choir. I told him that I couldn't guarantee he would have a place, but he could at least listen. He held out hope for a part.
Sure enough, he walked in, and our director's eyes rolled like a slot machine with pictures of John's manly muscles and the heaviest bells we have. In fact, he was given five bells to play. Always hoping that I would marry a superbly musical husband, it brought me great joy to look over and see him manipulating all those heavy bells while counting and trying to stay with the choir.
Step Three: My birthday. John is the most thoughtful individual when it comes to my birthday. He knows that I treasure birthdays, and he makes the most of it.
A husband and wife describe their relationship as confusing and contradictory. They don't fight and quarrel, don't criticize and demean, don't ignore one another. They sincerely love each other and care about one another's welfare. Yet they are bored and dissatisfied with the relationship. They don't seem to have the fun they had in the early years of their marriage or when they were courting.
This type of devitalized relationship has been labeled a "parallel marriage." Just as parallel lines lie in the same plane but never touch, a husband and wife can live in the same house but without closeness. They often sense proximity but seldom togetherness. It is as though they are walking down a railroad track each going in the same direction but on separate rails. They discuss their children and their finances, but they seldom discuss their feelings about each other or about their marriage.
There was an illustration that accompanied this article, showing a man and woman walking toward the same goal but on different paths. They could still see each other, but they weren't walking together. It has stuck with me through the years.
There are times when I can feel that John and I are headed toward a parallel marriage. It's not that either of us want this to happen, but life gets in the way. We become so busy with our responsibilities of work, church and exercise (John) and taking care of the house and kids (Larisa) that we don't find much time to work on anything together. We are still working for happiness, but we are doing it alone.
When I sense this happening, I pull the emergency cord on the train, and we both lurch forward. I insist that our lives come to a halt for a moment while we regroup. After all, in the end, nothing is more important in the grand scheme of things than my relationship with my husband--if it's working and in order, everything else will fall into place.
I told John that I felt it was time to rethink things. Were we spending enough time together? Well, John, bless his heart, took this to heart in three distinct ways:
Step One: Our stake is currently involved in a Family History indexing project. There is a contest going on between the adults and the youth--who can index more names? While I would prefer that the stake jump right into full-blown family history research, this is a first step in piquing the interest of people in family history. John, being in the stake presidency, felt that he needed to support this project--he couldn't rightly encourage others to participate if he wasn't doing it himself.
So, one Saturday, he asked me to sit down with him and show him how it's done.
**brakes squealing**
What? John wanted me to help him do something with Family History? I knew the planets must have aligned for this to happen!
The crazy thing? Once he started, I couldn't stop him. He found these old hand-written Spanish birth and baptism records, and there is no way to describe working with them except joyful. In fact, where I index just to harvest the information and move onto the next record, John couldn't help but read the entire record. He felt a closeness to those newborn babies, and seeing John enjoying indexing, I felt a closeness to him.
Step Two: I have joined a bell choir. I invited John to come and listen to us, because he never has a free moment to attend one of our performances on Sunday. Johannah couldn't go because she had a different rehearsal. John said he'd do one better--he wanted to PLAY with the choir. I told him that I couldn't guarantee he would have a place, but he could at least listen. He held out hope for a part.
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This year, I wanted to get a pedicure. If I'm telling the truth, I get a pedicure every 3 weeks, but I couldn't seem to find time to get there. I decided that I was going on my birthday, and whom would I like to accompany me? The girls (of course), and John. Yes, my poor marathon honey whose feet hurt daily because of darn callouses. He swallowed his man pride and followed me in. I don't think he will deny that he really, really liked it :-)
I know these things are silly things, but they are things that make me feel valued. They help me feel like John and I still do fun and crazy things together. I belong to his faction in "Modern War", and I watch TV until all hours, and I even attend an occasional rock 'n roll concert, and he gets pedicures with me and plays the bells.
I like walking the path together.
That is awesome.
ReplyDeleteYep, sounds like a keeper!
ReplyDeleteOkay these two photos of John make me like him even more! Thanks for the post, good image to consider, separate railroad tracks. Some things so many of us should think about.
ReplyDelete