Faith...and Prayer...and Forgiveness (at Interlochen)

Heavenly Father never gives us a moment's rest, does he?  At least, he doesn't let us wicked people rest :-)

I have gone through some pretty difficult times in my life, mostly as a child.  I experienced things that when shared with friends, first bring astonishment to their faces and then tears.  I am thankful for my family, and my close friends who can help me feel some sense of accomplishment in the fact that I have overcome the pain and suffering and created a better life for myself.  One of the saddest things for me is to see people who experienced similar horrors and have become victims to those experiences, leading troubled and fearful lives and often continuing the cycle.

One thing that got me through the very solitary, very scary times as a child was my faith.  I don't say this to brag.  I can't deny that it was a gift from a very loving Heavenly Father who knew what I would face and who knew what I would need to survive.  There were times when all I could do was hold on to my knowledge that Heavenly Father loved me, and that he knew my feelings.

This faith continued into my adulthood.  Through other trials (although none as severe as those from my childhood), I could hold onto the fact that Heavenly Father was there for me.  Too, as I matured spiritually, I came to appreciate that trials were a gift also.  There's no better way for us to learn than through trials.  We hear it from the leaders of our church all the time.  Trials test us, we keep the faith, learn and move on.  I can look back at some hard times in the last 20 years (cough, Kurt Peterson...) and reflect on the things I learned...things that I wouldn't have learned otherwise.

I've had a change in the past five years however.

• Disabling allergies?  Okay, sinus surgery should help.  Nope.
• Ruptured disc?  Surgery should help.  Nope.
• Second ruptured disc (only four months later)?  Surgery will help.  The back is still tender and I must limit my activities now.
• Broken ankle.  Really, God?  Two surgeries required, and a year of physical therapy.  Just today, as I was walking, I could feel the rod running down the side of my leg, and I limp most of the time.
• Chronic sinusitis because the allergies are so bad.  More surgery.

Needless to say, I have frequently wondered "where is Heavenly Father"?  When I have needed him in the past, I have felt him close and known that he hasn't left me.  How many times have I prayed for my health to return in the past five years?

I have given up asking Heavenly Father for specific things.  I still pray, but I frequently wonder "what's the point?"   I pray, and things don't change.  In fact, I'm just waiting for some other health issue to pop up.  In fact, as I was explaining to John last night, I feel like when I don't pray, things go better.

And to add fuel to the fire, all of these physical ailments have prevented me from exercising which is the only way I can maintain a healthy weight.  So, I'm not only feeling abandoned by God, but I'm fat.  (cue Zeus laughter)

So, coming to Interlochen, we only prayed that the girls would do the best they could on their auditions.  We didn't pray for them to get into a certain orchestra, or get a certain chair.  Just do their best.

Low and behold, they got in the top orchestras for their divisions at Interlochen.  What a blessing!

Glo, Jung-Ho Pak and Hannah (2011)

Jung-Ho Pak, the conductor of the World Youth Symphony Orchestra (Hannah's orchestra), was trying to teach the kids that their seat in the orchestra didn't dictate their ability to play.  In other words, he wanted the last chair of any section to take the music as seriously as the first chair.  Hannah was second to last chair in the viola section.  So, for a couple of days, he would have the kids rotate stands.  Hannah was slowly moving up the section, getting closer and closer to Jung-Ho.  It absolutely terrified her.  When she was finally sitting first stand, she was an emotional mess.  She was so nervous that she couldn't think of much else but the fact that she was so nervous.  In fact, her nerves were dictating everything she was doing.  Jung-Ho noticed and (in front of the entire orchestra) spoke to her about it.  When she came home, she couldn't remember anything he said.  I suspect her ears were ringing, and she had tunnel vision :-)  However, she knew that she needed to do better.

The next day, she kicked it into gear.  She may not have been able to parrot to us what he said, but something in her mind had internalized what he had said.  She took control (wolf-style!).  She began doing what Anna had been telling her to do all along:  lead from the back.  It didn't matter that nobody was sitting behind her.  She began cueing like she had an entire SECTION behind her.  She felt responsible for the notes.  Her bowing was accurate.

And guess who noticed?  

That's right.  Jung-Ho.  In fact, he called her out for it, complimenting the fact that she had learned from the day before and was applying those lessons in her playing today.

Mark has since told us that Jung-Ho gives perhaps two compliments an entire summer.  And five days in, Johannah had earned one of them.  She got all kinds of congratulations from all kinds of kids afterwards.

Yesterday, Hannah had her second set of auditions (the high school kids reaudition every two weeks).  She had basically devoted every practice hour for the past two weeks to the two excerpts for her audition.  Anna helped her with them.  She met up with an older, more experienced violist here who also helped her.  

Honestly, I had never heard Johannah sound so prepared for anything.  She was ready.  

I didn't want to, but I prayed that Johannah would make it back into WYSO.  It meant so much to her, and I knew that she would be crestfallen if she didn't make it in.

She was emotional about it.  She was extremely stressed about the fact that she was sitting on the edge of the orchestra, just one seat away from the lower orchestra.  She was crying before her audition because she was so worried she wouldn't make it back into WYSO (mind you, Mark didn't make it into WYSO until he had graduated high school, and Hannah is auditioning on a more competitive instrument).  Mostly, she just didn't want to lose the opportunity to work with Jung-Ho.  He's done more for her in 10 days than all of her previous conductors combined!

She came home from her audition, and she felt confident.  She had had a good audition.  She was a little shaky because of nerves, but she played in tune, she played confidently, and with good musicianship.

We waited anxiously for the results.  We couldn't see any reason that she wouldn't make it back into WYSO.  In fact, knowing her competition, we figured she might move up a couple of chairs.

Nope.

She was seated first stand in the lower orchestra.

I did everything I could to put the whole experience in perspective:  "you've grown so much in the last year", "Mark didn't do as well", "other people need the same experience".  All to no avail.

She fell asleep last night, crying.  Weeping, in fact.  I went into my room and wondered again, "where is God"?  Such a small, insignificant request.  Why couldn't he cut her a break and save her all this sadness?  Hadn't she done the work?  Hadn't she "asked" in preparation of "ask, and ye shall receive"?

I was so angry at God.  I felt that through the past five years, I've kept going.  Sometimes I don't want to do what I know I should (because I feel like it doesn't make any difference), but I keep doing it because I know it's right.  Hadn't I paid my dues so that my child could have a positive experience at Interlochen?

It was a rough night of sleep.  In fact, I did more tossing and turning than I did sleeping.  At one point, I dreamt that the audition results were a mistake and that Johannah HAD made it into WYSO, and when I woke up, I felt so happy.  Until I saw the darkness....

Johannah had her lesson today at 1:00.  I told her to talk to her teacher about the audition.  If anything, Johannah has a decided advantage over the other violists, because we have become friends with Mrs. Schranze over the past few summers.  If Johannah was going to ask anyone about it, Mrs. Schranze was the person to tell her.

Mind you, the teachers aren't supposed to discuss audition results with the kids.  In fact, teachers aren't allowed to practice the excerpts with the kids--it keeps anyone from crying "foul".

Here's how the experience went (as relayed to me by Johannah):  Johannah walked into Mrs. Schranze's studio, and before Hannie could say a word, Mrs. Schranze said, "I want to tell you about your audition, because I know you are probably very sad about the results."

Johannah was happy that she hadn't needed to broach the subject and appear whiny.  Mrs. Schranze continued.

"IP (Interlochen Philharmonic--the lower orchestra) has been lacking leadership in the viola section.  The viola faculty actually went to Jung-Ho Pak and asked him if he could recommend anyone who could be a good leader for the section.  He mentioned the girl in the back of the section, and we knew immediately (by his description) that he was talking about YOU.  You were put into IP because of your leadership skills, and because we are hoping that you can help the violists there."

And too?  Jung-Ho is conducting the orchestra all next week (while a guest conductor leads WYSO).  Whichever orchestra Johannah had been placed in, she would be with Jung-Ho for a week.

Well, serve me up a slice of humble pie with a dollop of repentance.  And watch my daughter feel the peace of knowing that Heavenly Father DOES have her back.

All my cursing of God, and come to find out that (as always) he knew exactly what he was doing.  I just didn't want to wait.  I didn't want to wait and see why he didn't answer my prayers the way I thought he should.  There was some serious repenting on my part, and the crazy thing?  I know that Heavenly Father will forgive me.  Yet again.

It reminds me of all the times I tell the kids what to do, and they don't believe me.  Or they don't have patience to do what I know is best for them.  In the end, when they believe in me, all turns out for the best.  And they come crawling back to me (figuratively, of course, although Mark might have knelt before me once or twice....), telling me that I was right all along.

Heavenly Father.  He knows what he's doing.  He knows what will make us happy.  Just like children, we balk at his wisdom and think that we know better while all along he hopes that we will follow his counsel and be happy.  I hope that I will have the mind to remember this next time.